I'm Ready

I have a restlessness about me right now.  God wants more of my heart and I do His.  I am grieving.  I see my sin. Am I just well enough I see how passive my life is.  I feel a sense of urgency. Like I have wasted so much time.  I feel God calling me to a deeper surrender, to Him, to others, to work, to rest, to pray, to meditate.  Maybe calling me away, to solitude, meditation and fasting.  An urgency to do something.  To make something happen.  I am very sensitive right now.  I feel a holy war raging.  Me needing a broken heart.  One of deeper surrender.  A humble heart.  I see my depravity and it lurks before me waiting to consume me.  It seems to be a battle within. Which is greater within me, this flesh that demands attention or the Spirit, the all consuming love of God.  I am grieving over, I don't know what, this world, sin, evil, death, the loss and pain of so many.  The cross, how it must have been for Mary to look up and see the blood running down His face from the crown of thorns on His head.  The surrender of His body to the pain and suffering of the world.  He emerged HImself into every heart that breaks, every suffering, every sin, every sickness, every desperate soul, every doubt and fear and horror known to man and spirit.  I can imagine the pain of the rejection and separation of He and the Father.  The worst of all things He suffered.  The beatings, humiliation and shame and mocking were only in the shadows.   My heart breaks.

I have a deep desire for righteousness and there is none within me. But His is mine.  I have a holy fear, an awe of Him, I am shocked, surprised and amazed.  I long for more of beauty, creativity, to enjoy God.  To see, feel, taste, smell, experience more His goodness, His heart.  I long for a quiet rest for this restless heart this morning.  A quiet place of peace within the scurrying of my soul.  A place of contentment within His very being.  I desire to know His desire.  To feel what He feels.  To love what He loves.  To hate what He hates.  To be satisfied beyond anything I have known  in Him.  To go to the highest and the deepest part of His soul.  To be, to love, to do beyond what I can do.  To know more of His power and strength and wisdom.  To share in Him.  To fellowship.  To become one with Him where He floods my very existence that His life is so lived through me that I not only lose myself but I find myself in Him.  I want to touch the hem of His garment, wash His feet with my tears, anoint Him with expensive perfume, see His smile, to love who He loves, the broken, the children, the sick, the poor, the lowly at heart, the sinner.  Set captives free, touch the wounds of the broken hearted, the sick minds, the broken spirits.  To point them to the one where they will be healed and lack nothing.  To tell of His faithfulness, goodness, and love.  To give hope to the hopeless, comfort to the hurting, grieve with the grieving, help carry the burdens of those with heavy hearts.  To be Jesus to others, His hands, His feet, His heart and mind.  To tell of His riches and glory that He shares.  Of the great mystery of Jesus in us and of His glorious inheritance we share in.  To be with Him and experience His living and breathing and being in and through me.  I want to know Him in the purity of heart.  To stand in His righteousness, forgiveness and holiness.  To honor, love and respect those who don't respect and love themselves.  To point Him as life to the oppressed, dignity to the shamed, forgiveness to the guilty and hope to the hopeless.  To pray for the lost, those who do not see and cannot hear.  To be burdened for their very lost souls.  To entertain angels and house the homeless.  To be a mother to the motherless and a friend to the lonely.  I want to be buried and raised with Him.  To identify with Him.  To have no plan of my own, no dependence of my own, no self sufficiency, but to be yielded and surrendered to the One who was yielded and surrendered.  To serve as He served to who He served.

This all is to great for me but He is mighty and able to do in and through us what we cannot do.  I want to go with Him to places in His heart I have never been.  To enjoy Him in new and exciting ways.  To glory in Him.  To love Him with more of my heart, mind and soul.  I am at peace and rest now.  In His holy presence.  Consumed with Him and ready to live this day.