I Just Keep Riding and Riding and Riding.

I cannot explain but I will not be with my daughter and she will not be with her children tomorrow on Mothers Day. The first time ever in their lives. I miss my mom and my sister. I will be with my sister soon but my mom has gone to be with the Lord. Some day I will be with her. I am so thankful for the family I will be with tomorrow.

Can I tell you how I feel? When I was a little girl my dog was sick. Dad told me he was going to have to shoot her. I didn't have anything to say. I knew my dad and this was killing him and me. We didn't know of vets and it we did we could we didn't have the money for them. I just got on my bike and starting riding as fast and as hard as I could in the opposite direction til I heart the gun shot go off. Then I kept riding and crying for awhile and I stopped. Then I started home again. Something inside me died that day. I will never forget it. When I got home I told my mom, I don't ever want a dog again. She said Deborah you have to decide if it is better to have loved and lost or never to have loved at all. It was a very long time before I got a dog again, decades. I think I am ready for another.  I think I am ready to love again.

God knows the separation for His child.  For the first time in all eternity He was separated from His Son on the cross as He bore my sins and he could not look on sin.  But the Father and Jesus did this for me.  For me to never be separated from Him, the Father, my Father but to live in constant communion with Him forever.

I have struggled for the last 3 days feeling like I am running away from God as fast and as hard as I can.  I am waiting for the gun shot to go off but it already has, in the very heart of my Lord.  He died, His Father and He felt the pain of the separation that had not ever been felt before, for me, so I would never feel it ever with Him.