Broken is Beautiful

Broken is Beautiful

Who I am is who I believe I am to be

     Almost two years ago I wrote I was packing my bags and

 finding out who I really am. 

Spiritually speaking.

     These last two years have been the most difficult  I have ever experienced in my life.  I have had suffering in my life as have all people my age.  But these were consistently the worse I have ever known.

     Someone who has been a christian as long as me know all the right things to do and say, in any situation.  I did those things...I also did the things that I knew were wrong, so to speak...Like I almost gave up hope at times, my faith was more on feelings and emotions than on assurance. They were not reliable.  God gave me the assurance I needed during this time.  I could hardly read my bible.  My faith seem to be next to nothing.

     Responding to life the right way is a good thing, but it can also be more difficult to know your true heart if you are just trying to do the right thing. 

     Twenty four years ago my life seemed to have the perfect storm.  I could not respond how my faith told me that I should so I withdrew in fear and doubt.  This was not the woman I was before this time and it is not the woman I am today.  I have tread water and I have sunk and swam.  The waves have over come me and I have ridden them.  It was a cycle of doing well and pushing forward in trying to find sense of my struggles and the life God had given me not wanting to waste a day.

     More times than not I knew how very blessed I am.  It just did not seem enough or to matter.  As in anyones life I had seasons of being fruitful and seasons of weeping with no tears.

     I was blind to the lies we can believe about our worth and how fear can creep in.  The Lords prayer I repeated as I fell asleep.  Knowing it is Gods Kingdom and His will is our prayer.

     The Twenty Third psalm was my go to... As my Shepherd fought every guilt and fear and sent an army after me...my family and friends.  I learned to pray on my knees even though short not any less sincere.

      Prayers of others seemed to carry me with the strength I needed to sustain and carry me as I maintained my home and tried to sort it all out.  It was a humbling time to see how dependent I was.  At the same time to see the beauty of Gods people felt honored to pray and serve me.  To try to explain my racing mind for two years is not easy.  I experienced depression I never had before. 

      I could see how God was not limited by my feelings that were not reliable.  He was building an assurance in me that I knew had to be.  A woman different that I was.  

      I worried about life that may have been stolen from me so I tried that much harder to value time and make it count.  I can breathe now.  I can love people without fear or guilt and shame that I didn't realize I had.  With a love so different that I cannot even explain.  It is not that I didn't love people before but this is one with seasoned years of failures and successes, with brokenness, with faith tested and a battle that was fought for me.  

     If you ask me I would say that is one of the main reasons Jesus came to die for us.  Our Father wanted a family.  He uses us and the Spirit to bring us together in a love that is not by trying harder but caring more for others than ourselves.  We are an overflow of the Fathers love for His family

through Jesus. 

     Who I am as a child of God is always my identity whether I am struggling as I have been off and on during these last twenty something years.  I am not running in fear anymore. Not that I don't fear but hopefully it does not control me.  There were times I would hide in the clef of the rock, under the wings of God, by still waters. 

     We all have gifts to serve and encourage others.  I have strength I didn't know I had in my weakness.  I am here today because of Jesus not my faithfulness.  Sometimes it is hard for me to even wonder why me Lord.   We all have a purpose.  I have a hope.  I have been broken more times than I ever thought would happen.   I have to believe...

 Broken is Beautiful...