No one wakes up and says I believe I will have a bad day!
Meeting with my sisters in Christ and sharing my heart was a place to start to get out of the pit. Depression was the enemy that had blinded me. I did not just decide to fall into this darkness. It came behind me and I was blinded by the many unusual circumstances.
Seeing my friends whom I had not visited with for awhile was like getting a cool drink from my aunts well years ago.
How we kept laughing in the midst of elderly parents, divorces, hospital, depression, family issues, kids problems, jobs lost, found. The list goes on and on but our burdens were shared. Our load was lighter. When you have relationships you can talk though it is like you saw each other just yesterday even if it was weeks ago.
That morning, visiting with my husband, it hit me that my depression, med issues was hurting my family. That no matter how difficult it was...no matter how hard the pull I had to get up out of my bed.
I had not planned the depression. No one just says I believe I will just fall into a dark depression. As a matter of fact I didn't even know that was a problem for me. I had enjoyed family. But my activity had gotten less and less. A new med was given to me 6 months ago. I had blamed the sleeping on it. It did start that way.
Depression was not new to me. I knew how to battle it and how God would walk with me through it. I could do it now. My heart broke over it all. I wasn't assured it would go away but my life would improve and my family would be assured that I was better.
I told my friend I didn't want to end up in a nursing home. My other friend said yes I have heard people say I don't want to be out of my mind and cursing. My friend said if I do I just do. LOL You see we have the righteousness of Christ. Oh to know that freedom and love of God. Even if I cannot move for weeks He loves me still and He is good. The brokenness I went through during this time was like loosing good friends. Sometimes it is just too hard and you have to know when it is time just to give it up. I had to surrender to Gods plan for my life. It was for Him to be enough to go through the pain of getting on with my life. It had been so silent I hadn't noticed my pride and selfishness.
Have you been in an ocean and the waves knock you to and fro. God stripped me of things I had wrestled with for years and redirected me and I was amazed. It was very painful but He was with me. I was not assured the depression would leave me but I knew God was present with me through it all.
Silence hurts, rejection hurts, others sin hurts, your own sin hurts others. So Jesus, more and more I can identify with your pain and today joy. Jesus is more than enough. Take captive your thoughts and through His presence settle where He would have you. I can say at this time I know what it is to give Jesus my whole love and heart. Until next time we go through surrender to His plan, knowing He is oh so good.
Why had I not seem the symptoms. Isolation, change of eating, no energy. I would go back to my Jesus. Get busy and fight the pull with the power of the cross. Not just once today but over and over. The wall would be broken and fall down each day as it got easier and easier. Gratitude would swallow up the darkness. Love would come from within. The determination and fight would be mine in Him. I would need help. Draw from Christ. Others were by my side. Six months was a long time to break through but with Christ with me life would come.
So if I want to know God more than I did before this whole process...If I want to worship Him...Make Him known to the world around me...Give hope to the faint hearted...May God be praised and glorified just a little bit more from this beggar who adores Him. It is about my God and His beauty and glory that will not be defeated.
This one makes me forget I am having a bad day. Just try lol.