Tuesday, August 7, 2012

The Unloveable

I remember my pastors wife introducing me to my spiritual mom.  She said she loves the unloveable.  I thought about that over and over.  Finally I came to the conclusion that she was referring to me.  Since then I have come to see just how unloveable I am.  But I am showered with love.  From family, friends, but mostly my heavenly Father.

Sometimes I get on Facebook and see all the wonderful family pictures.  The fun vacations.  Everything looks great and happy.  I want you to know I love sharing my family pictures but sometimes I want to write in BOLD LETTERS.  IT wasn't all fun and games.

There are ten of us in our family.  We were almost all together, even additional family and friends for a month.  There was conflict, crying, arguing, fighting, silence, yelling, hurt feelings filtered in with some of the most wonderful moments I think I have ever had with my family.  We are very real.  We didn't go 24 hrs without some kind of drama.

I would silently pray Lord let me do or say something that the kids and grandkids that will make a difference.  Help me give them a word from you they will never forget.  Give me the strength to be with them as we make memories.  I prayed that the good would far outweigh the bad.  I don't mean to sound like I had it all together and everyone else had a problem.  That would not be true.  I love my quiet and peace and I would escape into whatever just to try to renew my thoughts and heart.  Jesus was right by my side.

Oh the fun we did have.  The kids diving into the waves at the beach.  The snow cones, popcorn, ice cream and cake at midnight.  The riding the horses and calfs at the farm.  Playing with friends and family.  Loving on my sons new puppy.  Shooting fireworks and riding four wheelers.  Going fishing, feeding the animals and learning to work on a farm.  The grandkids cooked, cleaned and helped their pop and me in many ways. They even got paid from their uncle Lee for feeding the horses while he was working. Going swimming in the lake and pool.  Playing games, pretending, racing and fighting all in fun.  Playing out in the rain and with the hose pipe.  Snuggling and hugging and lots of kisses.

My children will get mad at me and their father and even each other.  But that is ok to them.  You just better not let anyone else speak bad about their family.  I try to make sense of all of this.  God what are you doing in my family?  I know you are redeeming us.  You are taking our mess and making something good and right out of it.  My husband and I made so many mistakes with each other and raising our children.  But to me that is why we need Jesus even the more.  I have quit hoping my children are spared pain. It is too late for that.   I pray Lord may they all come to love and know you no matter what it takes of me or them.  Sometimes when I see the pain my children have suffered I am tempted to lose hope for anything I have done to be made right.  I think about the mental illness and what else am I passing on from generation to generation.  But in Christ we do not lose hope.

All I know is Jesus loves us all.  He loves the unloveable.  Sometimes I can get a glimpse of a purpose for all the suffering and a plan for the future.  I know my family reminds me of heaven.  It is a place for sinners who are loved by a wonderful Father and His Son.  He is teaching us to live by the gospel.  To repent and believe.  To forgive and be forgiven.  What else in this world matters but Jesus and His redemptive plan for our good and His glory.  The love of the Father and the Spirit who is using us all to refine each other.  To give us eternal life with Him and set our feet upon a rock that cannot be moved.