Isaiah 49:15-16, "Can" a womans forget her nursing child,
And not have compassion on the son of her womb
Surely they may forget.
Yet I will not forget you.
See. I have inscribed you on the palms of My hands.
A little over forty years ago I had a stillborn beautiful, healthy baby boy. The difficulties that caused his death were in the umbilical cord. I think I held him. I can't remember. They wouldn't let me go to the funeral. I went home the next day. My husband went to back to work. I don't remember crying. We never talked about it. We just stuffed our pain and went about life.
This is how I have dealt with pain. I haven't dealt with it. I haven't felt it. I just pretended it wasn't there. There was nothing in me that knew how to feel it. When I did I didn't know what to do with it.
First of all I couldn't let anyone know that I was not ok. I couldn't worry them. Besides I was their god. They looked to me to be strong and level headed and keep things going. If I felt the pain I might not be there for them and they needed me.
Since I have come out of denial. I became a woman who couldn't handle life on my own any longer. I couldn't make everything ok and everyone happy. The last 15 years there has been suffering in my family. Many times I have blamed myself. Did I sin that this is the reason this is happening. Like Jobs friends. Or the blind man they ask did this happen because of sin. Jesus said, "no". This has happened that God might be glorified.
Well I have learned to feel pain. I have also learned to feel love. If you can't feel one chances are you can't feel anything. When someone wouldn't love me as I expected, or to meet my needs. I would go to other things or people for love. When they didn't love me my heart turned cold. I don't care. I am fine.
Then I realized these things and people are idols of my heart. I am looking to them to do what only God can do for me. Not only am I beginning to run to Jesus with my pain. But I am running to Him for love. It is hard because the pulls of the flesh are so strong. But His pull on my heart is stronger.
When I feel the pain, go to Him for comfort and love. His presence and love is more than my heart hoped for. He comforts me as a mother comforts her child at her breast. Isaiah says He holds my right hand. He makes my paths straight. He brings joy that no circumstance could ever bring. He is my Savior and my King. He makes me laugh and giggle.
This place He brings me to is a place of His glory. You just have to know it is God. It is not because life is perfect, but because He is a might God to save. He rescues me and brings me to soaring as the eagle soars outside my door. He proves Himself to be God and there is no other. He will comfort me and not forget me. Even if I forget my own. I am written on the palm of His hand forever.