Can I Try Again?

  As I sit here with the rain pouring down, the sound of it hitting the dry earth, the lightening that  is flashing in the sky I think of how selfish and self centered I have been in my suffering.  It is like I want another chance.  A chance to more glorify God.  I know as weird as it sounds I see what a privilege it is to suffer for Christ.  To trust Him in the midst of it.  To bring Glory to the church and His purposes.  I know it sounds crazy but it is like I am saying lets give it another go God.  I can do this.  I can trust you.  I can make it happen.

Then I stop in my tracks.  It is not about me and my suffering.  It is about Him and HIs.  It is not about my faithfulness but His.  It is not about my sacrifice but HIs, not my love, my desire, my purposes but His.  I am but a vessel, a broken vessel that His glory shines through.  It is in my inability to serve well, to believe in the midst of hardship, to see him and believe in the midst of suffering and hardship that He shines.  

I am at peace.  My suffering was specifically designed for me for the most glory to be revealed through me to Him.  I did not ask for it or plan it but His sovereignty designed it and willed it for His greater purposes than I cannot fathom.  I do not know the future but I know who holds my future and it is in His hands.  My deepest desire is to glorify Him no matter what else that may.  He is all consuming.

Today, after such a great morning, was a struggle.  I know.  I couldn't get started.  I was overwhelmed.  I sat down planned a list, called a friend and I began, one step at a time.  It has been a glorious day of total dependence on God.  Even though I am so well and doing so good I do not want to get to the point to where I can do this life on my own.  I want to continually lean into Him.  He is my light in the darkness, my hope in the midst of my struggle, my strength when I am weak.  He is God., My God.