"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my
tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book."
(Psalms 56:8)
Life
does come with struggles. I always thought I had kept a close tab on
the forgiveness list. You know, someone hurts my family (or me) in
some way and I automatically forgive them. He who is forgiven much
loves much. Jesus forgives me so much, how can I not forgive others?
Sometimes, though, hurts rise to the surface unexpectedly. When I get
angry at another time, I might throw up past offenses. Or just out of
the blue that past hurt will suddenly come to mind. It is the Spirit
wanting me to deal with these things.
Someone
may not have any idea that he has hurt you. But it's something you
struggle with every day. Maybe something that happened long ago. It
does not mean you have not forgiven. It means forgiveness is a process.
Believe it or not, the unforgiveness can keep you in bondage. If you
want to live in the freedom of the gospel you must give forgiveness
even when it is not deserved.
St.
John of the Cross says, "I tell you acting in love when others are not
acting in love toward you--this is of the highest value to your soul.
It is worth more than all the other acts of faith you may have done,
no matter how great they may appear."
The
other morning getting ready for church, I really had to pray to get
there. For some reason I don't understand, it is just hard for me to
leave home at times. Probably control. Wanting comfort. Security apart
from God. Anyway, it was a huge struggle. I do have praying friends
and professional help with my disorder and I am doing very well. Still,
sometimes it is just hard.
I
even thought about the death of my mother. I had been with her for
weeks, but was not there when she died. I have struggled with guilt
because of that. Even knowing my mother would not want that.
My
pastor said that after the death of Lazarus, Jesus was so angry at sin
and sickness and death, He quaked. God tremors. He is angry at the
effects we suffer because of sin and sickness and death. I thought of
the rage of a volcano as it erupts. It hit me. God is angry at
illness, not the person who is ill. In the past, I had felt guilt,
shame, and humiliation at times about my illness. I didn't even realize
it at the time. But to hear God is for me, that He is angry at all
the illness' effects on me, knowing He is with me and the love God has
for me, that made a huge impact.
Christ
died on the cross for our freedom. That our conscience would be clear
and we would be free from guilt. Free to follow Him. He became
mortal. He humbled Himself even to the cross. One reason that He
suffered was to identify with our suffering. There is nothing we will
ever go through that He does not know exactly how we feel. He is full
of compassion for us. Nothing we go through is wasted. We are not in
the second plan for our lives. We are in His perfect plan. God
is still in control. You can trust Him. He is making things right
and in Heaven they will be perfect.
One
night as I sat in my car waiting for my daughter, it began to rain.
It had been a very tough day. The drops ran down the window. I put
my hand against the window and it was as if the Spirit said to my
heart: "These are the tears I have shed for you. I catch all your
tears in a bottle. None are wasted. I love you."
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