Many times I have written about how my life use to be together. How I could handle any and everything. How God in His mercy did not let me to continue to live this life apart from Him depending on my life with my plans for it.
Right after this time I became very sick most of you know. I was on a lot of medicine. I was so sedated I could not get out of bed. It was a real struggle. I would go days without a shower. I ask friends to come and walk with me and pray so I could begin my day. I would sit for days on end in a daze. The strange thing is though I was always thinking about God. Even in my illusions and delusions I knew God was with me. He was teaching me to trust Him and to know my need for Him.
As time went on I was in and out of the hospital. But then I began to get better. On less medicine. Still in another world most of the time. It usually was with Jesus. Even when I wasn't delusional I couldn't make simple decisions. I would have to pray Lord, what do I eat? What do I wear? Please show me what to do next. I learned to talk to Him all throughout my day. To depend on Him and believe He would be there for me. I am in remission now. I believe my mind is healed by the grace of God and good counsel, friends, family. But I still have kept with me that relying on Jesus. I just can't function apart from Him. I can tell when I am back to my old ways of trying to be my own savior. I know I cannot save me or anyone else but I forget the gospel. But the gospel does not forget me. Jesus is always there wooing me back to life in Him.
I have a friend and I was sharing this with her. She has had struggles and she was sharing with me the same thing, her continual need for Jesus. I told her even when I wasn't praying I had Jesus, Father and Spirit in the back of my mind, leaning into them. Knowing I can trust Him with this. You are here with me without saying a word. It is a humble confidence I have in the faithfulness of God that He has given me over these years. He has proven Himself to me and now I depend on it. My friend said I wonder when we will get better. I said I don't think we need to try to get better. I think Jesus loves our child like dependence on Him. Our continual communion with Him. Seeking His presence with us throughout our day.
I was with a friend yesterday. She said you have so much faith. I don't feel like I have much faith. I feel so weak and needy for Christ to be my strength in my weakness as He promises. Maybe that is faith I don't know. When I boast in my faith it seems like the very next thing, I struggle believing, trusting. Like Peter when He boast in loving the Lord and then he denied him even to the point of cursing. God was faithful and used Peter in a mighty way in the church but it was not because Peter was faithful but Jesus was. It is His faithfulness we must keep our eyes on. I feel like Paul the older I get I know I am chief of all sinners. When I lose sight of this I fail. It is like He is calling me to walk on water and I look down and I start to sink. He humbles me all over again. He breaks me because I have prayed three prayers in the last 20 years.
1. That I would join Jesus and His suffering and that I would identify with Him, know Him and know the power of His resurrection.
2. That whatever it takes for my family to depend on Him please do it. Just don't leave us.
3. That I want all of Him that I can possible receive in this life.
These are courageous prayers. They are Jesus prayers for me. He is interceding for me and He never stops. I don't have this courage. It is Jesus in me praying to the Father for me and my family. So when hard times come and they have. I remember again these prayers and His faithfulness to me and I say oh ye of little faith God is mighty to save.