I was born as sinner. We all are. As a little girl all I wanted was to please my mother and daddy and I did. This sounds all good but I needed to know that they and Jesus were pleased with me no matter what I did. I believe this is true about my parents but none the less I thought it was because I did everything right. My parents are gone now and I loved them dearly and them me. They taught me many things about loving people and God I remember today. They just didn't know how self centered I was. Neither did I. It was always all about me.
This carried over to high school. All I was concerned about was people not being mad at me and like me. I had various ways of proving I had this approval to myself. Still thinking I had the approval of others.
I married with this same goal. To get the approval of my husband and my children. As you can imagine I was not a good mother or wife because of this. You cannot discipline your children if you are afraid they will be mad with you. You cannot even love your husband if you are always trying to get his praise to let you know you are worth while or that life is ok. No man can do this for a woman and he cannot stand the responsibility of trying to make his wife happy. No that does not mean we do not have happy marriages. It means no one in this world can give you value or say you are ok.
Because of these things I got sick. I did not see it then. I saw what a failure I was and how I couldn't do things right but not the depth of my sin. I could not stand the thoughts of my utter failure so I turned inward and got extremely depressed. This has gone off and on for 20 years.
I thought I was getting better about trusting Christ and not myself. I shared with a group of people last night, and they prayed for me how I have always over thought stuff. What I wrote or said, what I was reading, theology good stuff. My husband even said you think to much. So has my daughter. I would even do things to quiet my conscience like thinking, figuring things out, writing, staying busy, even things I enjoyed taking pictures or hiking, riding horses, sleeping. I knew deep in my heart I was not perfect nor could I be. But boy was I sure giving it my best shot.
I saw this morning that in many ways I am no better than I was 20 years ago. I am still trying to get things right. When you let your world depend on you getting things right you are not trusting Christ. That all you have is His perfect life. You have none of your own. I thought to myself I cannot fix this in me. This is too big. What if I can't stop trying to be a perfectionist about the things I think matters? Christ was the most angry at the self righteous because they thought they were good and didn't see their need for Him. That they were a sinner. I began to despair again. This runs so deep in me only God can change me. I didn't even see how I could get rid of all this sin. Change my ways. I thought so did He die for the self righteous? Those that know they are a mess and can never change apart from Him. Those who need Him and His righteousness. That because of their self righteousness they can't fix themselves.
I believe because of the prayers of my prayer support and these other friends that I began to see the gospel. No I may never stop trying to get things right. I may always be self righteous. I may never get any better. Then I ask myself again did Jesus still die for me? Can His death say even though you are trying to be perfect you know what a mess you are. That this is screwed up because now you know even when you are trying that you really can't. That you need me. You need my payment for the sin of self righteousness. It is ok
I believe He showed me this to change me and my trust in the gospel and not in me getting everything right. But that could be me just trying to be perfect again so I give even that up. But I have to believe Christ died to free me from thinking I need to keep the law or can to be accepted and loved by Him, the curse of the law. I have to believe He can do the impossible. It is so beyond me. He is the only One that can give me worth and make my life worth living. The only one who can give me life. If He never does change me you have to be ok with that and so do I if you are my friend. I just believe my best Friend is.