Please pray for me. I love you. You are one of my life lines. I have a family, friends, praying team, forum, fb, doctors, counselors, pastors, and you. I so want to write on what is on my heart for the next couple of days and I am not sure I can sort it all out. I am tired, the day has ended and my heart won't let lose so I write to you.
As I have shared with you all I wanted was a husband and children who loved the Lord. I began my life as such but my husband wanted a successful career and I was with the children. I set out to win him. To change him. To make him love me more than anything else. God had another idea. He wanted us both to love Him more than anything.
I would do things for my husband, clean house, make meals, do the social things I had to do to help him be a success when he didn't notice I was crush, defeated and left to myself. He saw me as the perfect wife. I wanted the perfect husband and thought I had to make it him. When he would say certain things to me I would feel rejected, unloved and like a failure. All I needed was him to make me happy and he was devoted to so many things and thought I was just there, loving and serving and knowing he loved me. I was so sensitive. So defensive. I was always trying to get him to prove his love for me. I took everything he said personal. I was lonely and defeated at what I thought it would be to be the perfect family. He knew none of this.
I went through some really hard years searching what life was all about and what was going to make me happy. I knew I had to change. But I didn't know how.
Years later now. The kids are gone, the grandchildren and the job. I have been still searching how to love my husband, how to be happy and what was life all about. Well this past year I began to learn about Gods grace. About His love. About life. I learned not to love self serving but selflessly. How to know who I was in Christ. About how valued I was and how much God thought of me to send His very own son to suffer a horrendous dead to bring me into His family. I learned about my inheritance with Christ. That I was righteous with the righteousness that is mine now by faith. That God is really, really good and I can trust Him no matter how awful things get and how hard. I began to receive this unconditional love. To be amazed by God and His faithfulness. Then I began to give this same love to others, my husband. I am no longer sensitive, defensive and take things personal. I listen to him. Build him up, encourage him and am thankful for him just as he is not as I think he should be. I don't take him for granted or think he has to prove anything to me. How much he loves me or how valuable I am. I know it because of Christ.
It has been amazing. I have found a coming under my husband and lifting him up and coming under God and Him lifting me up. I am secure in a humble kind of way. I feel protected and loved beyond anything I can imagine so I can give love and not need anything in return that tells me I am ok. I know my value and Gods love never leaves me. Your value is determined by the price paid. My life was paid by the perfect son of God, Jesus. There is no greater value. God loves me with the love He loves His Son. How can that be. Amazing love. Rather than coming to my husband needing I can come giving because my heart is full and satisfied and loved.
I hope I am making sense here. Please pray the Spirit makes these things clear to you where I have come short in explaining. Christ lives in me and loves and has His being in and through me. There is nothing more I need. I can receive graciously and mercifully with the same grace that is given me.