Friday, November 16, 2012

Dependent on my Daddy

If you have never suffered from depression, anxiety or add or any kind of mental illness you may not can relate to me on the full level but maybe some.
I woke early. Just spending time with the Lord. Talking to my Daddy. Letting Him love on me and me Him. Then I began to think about my day.
Lord, If you don't plan it out and tell me what to do step by step I am lost. I need you. I need you t
o tell me what to do today. It began to unfold just what I was to do. I went to the bedroom organizing, stripping beds, dusting. Then to the bathrooms, cleaning, throwing away and putting things in their place. All the time washing bed linens and clothes and bath mats. I would stop ever so often and say, now what Lord. I have done this now give me the strength to do the next thing.
Isn't this amazing. How dependent I am on God.
My husband was a very successful college football coach. And I played the part perfectly. I kept the family going. The coaches wives were my family. I gave parties to the team and recruits families, the staff. I did interviews to the television, newspaper, magazines, churches, women's groups, fca, Christian woman's club, who ever would let me come talk. I told about God and His love for us.
I was strong and self reliant. We had four children and I raised them almost alone because of the demands on my husbands job. Family living far away. I had them in three schools at the same time. All their activities and church functions and with their friends and trying to see their dad when possible. There was nothing I could not do. I would suck it up, pull up my bootstraps and get it done.
Then my husband lost his job. I still held things together. Three years we were out of coaching and right back in again.
After three years my life completely fell apart. My husband lost his job, his parents, I had multiple surgeries, so much more. I was stripped of my family, my sufficiency and my strength. I was nothing. I found myself in a mental hospital behind locked doors.
The next 16 years were in and out of hospitals. Rescues from suicidal attempts from delusions and illusions. In and out of reality. What was I to do. Just sit with Jesus and not move on with life. Would He want that.
Now I am here. Some of the same struggles. But I am in reality. I am living and loving people and moving out beyond myself and my isolation. Life is still a struggle at times but it is good and God is powerful and I am amazed. I know of Gods unconditional, ravishing love toward me. And i cannot refuse it or Him. He is irresistible. He is my maker and my KIng.
I will never be the same again but I don't want to be. I want to be dependent on God and need Him for my every need. I love people and life but Jesus is first in my life. I thank Him for stripping me of all my sufficiency and giving me Himself. I could not be happier. The joy and peace I have is beyond comprehension.  Just dependent.

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