One Down, One To Go

Well one down, one to go.  I had great expectations for today.  We were going to be with people we love.  Tomorrow we are having Thanksgiving again here with family and friends.
I got up at 5.  Began cooking soon after.  Then I began to get anxious.  So much to do so little time to get it done.  Could I do it all.  I wanted everything to be so good for everyone to enjoy.
I told my husband I just wasn't going today I had to much to do for tomorrow. He said we wouldn't stay long.  He insisted so I went and got my Lexapro at the drug store.  I thought I am just going to have it with me if I get there and get anxious.  Well I didn't take it I was fine.  As a matter of fact I took pictures of everyone all afternoon and I loved doing it.  We had such fun.
Then it got around 5 o'clock and I was getting tired. I thought we were just going to stay a while.  We were all having so much fun with our wonderful friends.
 Thinking of all I still had to do.  I ask my husband if we could leave.  He was not ready. I cannot tell you how I felt.  I felt trapped.  He also promised we would go by another house on the way home.  People I love.  Later we did leave and had an argument on the way home. But I panicked.   I said things I should not have said.  It was not pretty.
So Thanksgiving is over and I feel like crap.  I have hurt someone I care about.  And he hurt me.  I am sorry doesn't even seem to touch it.  So we mull...
What happened?  It was such a great day.  I had such great plans and expectations.  So much sin came out in our words.  I am so disappointed.  I am suppose to be thankful and not angry.  Where did that come from?
Lord I need your grace.  I blew it bad.  I am so tired but that is no excuse.  Words are damaging and hurtful. and you can't take them back.  God can heal and forgive.  He is still at work even though things seems like such a mess.  Why do I always gets these high expectations for the holidays and then when they don't meet them I don't know how to respond.
I tried to explain to my husband just now.  Don't think he understands.  I want to get stronger.  I just don't know how right now.  Please pray for us.  I am such a mess.  I hate this illness right now and what it does to those around me.  It makes me never want to leave home again and I know that is not right.