Our God the Creator

If you get a chance go to desperate delight on face book for some awesome pictures of evidence of this.

The Exercise of Faith

Isaiah 26:17,18

¹⁷ As the pregnant woman approaches the time to give birth,
She writhes and cries out in her labor pains,
Thus were we before You, O Lord.
¹⁸ We were pregnant, we writhed in labor,
We gave birth, as it seems, only to wind.
We could not accomplish deliverance for the earth,
Nor were inhabitants of the world ^[b]born

Don't ask me why.  It doesn't even make sense now.  Times have changed so much.  But most of my children were delivered by natural child birth, meaning I had nothing to deaden the pain.  As I was strolled down the hall there were small rooms with a single bed and a woman in each room, that day.  All I could hear were the moans and cries of women in labor.

As I laid on that bed waiting for the next contraction, the pain, to come I would begin my exercised breathing.  Months ahead I had been trained how to breath during my labor.  It was a panting, cho, cho, cho, wheeo, then relax and rest until the next pain would come.  I was just wondering how that breathing exercise helped the pain but it did.  It took my mind off what was going on.  I was more focused on trying to take breaths and then resting in between, than I was the pain.

The labor of childbirth is compared to the struggles in our life.  I believe there is a constant tension to believe, then a resting, a struggle to believe, then resting. God is continually building, strengthening our faith and dependence on Him.  I also think God is either testing our faith or proving it, sometimes both.

There were times during that long day I would forget to breathe.  The pain would take me over.  I would hear the cries of the other women and I would think of my own pain.  I would panic. There was no where to run from it.  I just had to give into the pain. Stop fighting it and wait until it passed and the "rest" would come.  Christ is our rest.  His work on the cross, His love for us, His faithfulness.  He rescues us when we have no where else to run but to Him.  We are but like a new born baby resting in the arms of his mother, helpless and near, totally dependent on its mother for his very life.

Lord I believe.  Help my unbelief.  God is the giver of our faith.  He is our sense of strength.  He brings the tension and the rest.  All we have to do is to relax and breathe.

Life is a struggle and God is Love

We love because He first Loved us...

Pretty much all of my life I have been in a struggle, struggle to be perfect, struggled to be liked, struggled to get approval, struggle to get things done. This life is a struggle. Now I struggle to believe. Work out your salvation with fear and trembling. You might ask what do you struggle to believe? I struggle to grow into deeper experience and knowledge of the love of God for me.

All of our life in Christ is based on the love of God. It was Gods love that chose us before the beginning of time. It is the love of God that brings us into relationship with HIm, Father, Son and Spirit. It is His love that makes us more like Christ, sanctifies us. It is HIs love that sent His Son to die for our sins.  His love for us is what sustains us, it satisfies us, meets our needs.  It glorifies Himself.

Believing He loves us gives us faith and trust in HIm for the here and now but also for future grace. By His love we believe we have the same power that raised Christ from the dead.  We believe we can do all things through Him.  Love brings us to rest. It changes us. It causes us to want to obey Him and love others. It gives us the heart to serve Him. It gives us the heart to be willing to suffer with HIm. It gives us the heart to know Him more. It gives us courage and perseverance to step out and follow HIm. We move out of our comfort zone.  We don't stand on our own two feet but lean on Him.  We over come fear and obstacles we could not before.  We seek Him above all else.  We long for intimacy of the heart with Him.  We believe who we really are and His promises to us because of HIs love for us. We look forward and hope in eternity with HIm because of  His love for us. We love because He first loved us. Love causes us to want to pray without ceasing, to ask for forgiveness, to humble ourselves, to worship Him. 

Gods love lets us be honest about our failures. Love brings us to repentance,  it gives us eyes to see and ears to hear.  It not only softens our hearts but it opens our hearts.  His love allows us to be honest about who we are and our sin.  We can admit how we just can't get it right or love perfectly.  That we are self centered. Even when we isolate into despair, depression, addiction, sin and unbelief His love rescues us.  His loves helps us know in our hearts we need a Savior this very minute, over and over again.  We need His wisdom and grace and forgiveness.  We need Jesus living His life in and through us.   We delight in Him with great joy just being in His midst, His presence, in His love.  He is the existence of our hearts.

We have the Spirit of the Father and the Son. The same Spirit that is in them is in us. We are in them and they are in us.  Through us He lives and breathes and has His being. We know that He will never leave us or forsake us. He loves us so much nothing can separate us from Him. We are assured that He loves us no matter who we are or what we have done or struggle not to do now. His love is unconditional. He does not grow in love for us. He loves us completely at this very moment. His love has no limits no boundaries.  It is deep and wide and goes throughout eternity.  We now have a peace with God.  He is our Abba. He is love and His love is for us through infinity and beyond!

He is Not Like That

It has been a busy day. I had an couple of appointments that took most of the afternoon, about an hour away.

Finally, I was on the way home. I was exhausted. All I could think about was getting home. I ran into 5 o'clock traffic in this small town area. It was bumper to bumper. As I was creeping along I looked into my mirror, just a glance, and saw a police car. He was tailing me and had his lights on. I thought immediately, OMG what have I done. I have been so tired I haven't payed attention to how fast I have been driving or the speed limit. "Lord Jesus please give me mercy." I have messed up and he is after me. We are in traffic so he can't pull me over now, but when we get out surely he will. We crept on for about 20 minutes, him close behind me, never veering.

After a time of continual prayer we were out of the traffic and he got in the other lane and exited.

How many times do we think of God like this? He is just waiting til I mess up. He is hovering over me just waiting to lower the boom on me. What have I done now. I must be guilty I know.

God is not like this. He is our Abba, our heavenly Father. He is not angry at us. He may discipline us but He NEVER punishes us. He is for us. When He looks at us He sees us as Jesus perfect obedience. He does not punish us when we are bad or love us when we are good. He blesses us because He is good. We may have consequences to our sin but it is never to the full extent we deserve. God is not waiting to bring hard times down on us because we have not obeyed. He loves us unconditionally. He is conforming us into the image of Christ. He is loving us beyond our imagination. He is living through us and giving us love for HIm and others.

You have the favor of God. You are in His family. You are a son or a daughter. Nothing can separate you from the love of God. Nothing can touch you that He does not allow and use for your good. He is an amazing Father and He is forever for His children. Rest in it my friend.

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When We Are Weak

When we are weak, it is then, the strength and power of God is realized by us in us.

It is not a popular theology but it is true. God is about making us weak. We come into this world, like Adam and Eve, wanting to be god. Have you ever been around a child? They grab their toy and say mine. We want what we want and we are out to get it anyway we can control or manipulate the system and others to get it. Oh we would never say that out loud. Maybe it is something good we want. Self reliance and depending on our selves may look different in folks but it is still apart from trusting in God. It is not dependent on HIm. It is doing our own thing in our own strength.

If we are blessed, and we are, God strips our strengths from us. When I was a young girl, we were on vacation. This friend we were visiting was about to sit down. For some crazy reason I pulled the chair out from under her and she hit the floor really hard. She leaned into a chair that was not there. It was a mean thing to do. Somehow I thought it was going to be funny but it wasn't.

We lean into a chair that is not there for us, we hit bottom.  When God pulls the chair out from under us He is there to catch us if we will but let Him. It is an illusion to think we can do anything apart from Him, to think anything other than HIm can sustain us.  He is about in our weakness making us strong in His strength and might. He is building a trust relationship with us and Him. So we don't grab the chair, we don't look back, we just sit firmly in our Fathers lap. With His arms around us. He says I have you. Don't be afraid. Just enjoy the fall and relax. My Son is living through you. You are not alone. Lean into HIm, trust and follow the lead. I am your Abba.

I Was Spent

My husband had over night guest at our home. My refrigerator was bare of breakfast foods so I was up and at the grocery at 5:30. I came back and cooked, what I thought was a great breakfast for hungry men.

Had some neat time with the Lord.

Then saw a text from a precious friend who had a death in her family. We decided to do coffee mid morning. After that I had lunch with a couple of other friends I have also known for decades and love. One had also gone through a great loss. A couple of hours later I met with a young man about a swing for my back screened in porch. I want to try to get before the grandchildren come to visit from Texas. I then went to my friends house to look at the swing her husband had built.

It had been a wonderful day but I was beat. My husband came in after having two days of being up constantly after only weeks after his knee replacement surgery, with business meetings. He is doing great but has been overdoing so much. He said talk to me before you do anything on the porch. I got real defensive. I thought why should I talk to you about it. I have wanted a swing for years and now I have found someone who can do it for me. In other words I have a right to want what I want. I said I can't talk about this right now. I am angry and I am tired. He said me too. I said I know you are. I don't know how you are still going.

I had given all I had physically and mentally and spiritually. I had none of the best left for my husband and son. My patience was thin. I got angry for no reason inside. I was spent. I thought of all theses things I wanted to say. I just prayed. Lord please don't let me open my mouth. I will regret it. I am tired. Give me the gift of the Spirit, self control. I had given my best all throughout my day and when I needed it most, for family, it was gone. I was mad at myself. I have been so excited about telling all my friends what God has done in my life. Giving me grace and life through Jesus living in and through me, of the love the Father and Spirit have for me. I have been going day after day.

I didn't even feel like cooking so I picked up supper. After eating I just sat on my porch. I began to pray. Lord I need you. Please fill me. Work in my heart. Fill me, love me give me peace and joy knowing you are in control even of that porch swing I think is so important. It wasn't the swing it was everything. I was not allowing the love of Christ to flow through me. Somewhere along the day I had shifted from reliance and dependence on the Spirit to my own strength and it showed.

How many times do we give our best to our work, keeping our houses, friends, volunteering, ministry, so many things, then when it is time to give to our family we are all given out? We must keep our priorities in order. We do not need to fill our days so full we can not love the people we are with. I had done that. I called the friend I was to be with tomorrow and I cancelled. She understood. I had to be with God. I have to go for walks, listen to music, worship and be here for my husband.

Lord, please forgive me. Help me to depend on you when I plan my day. You say you will direct our path. Thank you for meeting me in my time of need. I do need you Father. I can do nothing apart from you.

A Thing of Beauty

Genesis 1:27

God created man in His own image, in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them.

Yesterday I posted that I was having my class reunion in two months and I was going to lose 20 pds, have a face lift and write a book before then. Well I was having a little fun. I know what we think is the right answer. I have not cared how I have looked for 20 years. I did not know Gods love for me.  I did not know the gifts He had given me, who I am.  But I think if we are honest, women who are in Christ love beauty. All kinds of beauty. God created men strong and women beautiful. Truthfully I think we love it when we feel beautiful. We compliment each other on our beautiful clothes, hair, we spray perfume and wear makeup, just to be more beautiful, to enhance what God has given us. We walk and talk with beauty. We have a sway when we walk, a gentleness, a tenderness, compassion, even our voices are beautiful. We love with beauty, beautiful home, meals, gifts we give others, our words, our gifts and talents from God, our treasures (sentimental things especially), our children, our pets. We love to create beauty. This is why I write and take photographs. I enjoy God when I am creating beauty. I am sure you can think of more. I think it is Christ expressing Himself through us. He is the creator of all beauty.  Some day we will have heavenly bodies,  new bodies, we will be more beautiful than we ever dreamed of being on this earth. Here we have flaws and defects and handicaps. But the beauty we will have will be inside and out. We not only will be like Christ when we see Him face to face but we will still have our special uniqueness and individualism that we have now. We love His beautiful creation, the morning sun, the night moon and stars, the flowers in bloom, the oceans and mountains, the birds in the sky, the clouds that seem to be in gentle suspended motion all the time. It all is beyond expression. I know the heavens are beautiful and the new earth will be even more beautiful because there will be no sin, no dying, no pain. We ladies were created in beauty and are a gift of beauty to a sinful world. We are pleasing to the eye. We are not more holy the homelier we appear to be. We are only holy because we have trusted Chris for our righteousness.  We have a righteous desire to be beautiful in the beauty of our Lord.   We are a taste of Christ. Think beautiful ladies because you are.  Christ not only gives us the desire for beauty but He is the beauty we seek.

Men if you get this please give it to your wives for me.

Can God Really Meet My Needs?

When God works in your heart all things are new. I don't want to die anymore. Grace has gotten a hold of me. Oh I would never deliberately hurt myself but I would pray just take me home Lord. I have found a life in Christ that I can't wait to wake up in the mornings just to be with God and see who and what He is going to do in my day. All of you are largely responsible for helping me get where I am, through prayer, encouragement, teaching, leading, your writings and quotes, even a little rebuking. I know of Christ living in and through me, His and the Father and Spirit's love and acceptance for me. I have value and worth. God is not safe but He is good.

I had a most wonderful morning of worship. Gods presence is so amazing to His children. Those who desperately need Him and want to worship HIm above all else. He gives us this heart. It is not of our own doing but by grace.

God is opening so many doors right now. I feel frozen. God keeps bringing opportunities and people and I am doing very little. There are things I am just not doing anything about. I have prayed He would use what He has so graciously given me to give to others. I think I am scared. I am fearful. In my heart I don't know why, in my head I would say afraid of failure and of getting hurt. I loved it when Rose Marie Miller said in Fear to Freedom, she wouldn't move out of the canal. I think Lord I am afraid to move out of my comfort zone of comfort into the unknown waters.

Does God really mean what He says...WIll He meet my every need? WIll He, is He big enough, to comfort me. When I am hurt, and I will be, can He hold me close to His heart and it be enough. Can I lose myself again, think of others and not myself?. Move out in faith and love and risk the chance of loosing it all to gain it all, Him. Am I running from pain? These things are in the hidden places of my heart. I can say all the right things but I cannot be truly healed covering up my emotions.

Since I wrote this, a few days ago to my prayer team, I have noticed I am not so fearful. I am taking steps to move into unknown places, even the storm on the water, like Peter. Jesus is calling me and I have stepped out on the water. I am not sinking yet. If I keep my eyes on Him and don't look down I won't. It is when I look at my circumstances and think they can bring life, that I get into trouble. I am being a part of peoples lives and loving being with them. Many of them are you. Thank you for trusting me with your heart. If you have not and want to message me, I am here. I don't have all the answers but I can listen and pray.

Emotions...Good or Bad?

Emotions...Good or Bad

I have heard and have said your emotions are not reliable, don't act on them. I have come to believe your emotions are a gift from God that the Spirit uses to reveal our inner self, our true self. They are the wings that make us fly. What is love without emotion. What is life without emotion. What is fear but is an emotion. Emotions are a moving of the heart in a direction. Repentance is emotion. A broken and contrite heart is emotion. To not have emotion is to be hard hearted. It is to be stoic, not to feel.

I agree we can be extremely emotional. There are times our emotions are not led by the Spirit such as, God must not be with me...I cannot feel Him. We have to look to scripture to see and know God never leaves us even when we cannot feel His presence.

I believe we are afraid of encouraging others to feel their emotions because they have been so misused. Do we give up food and drink because we might over indulge? To be in touch with your emotions is healthy. I believe God not only wants us to be emotionally intimate with Him but also with each other. Does that scare you? To take off the veneer of the solid treasure of our hearts...To speak truth to each other in love...To share our fears, hopes, pains and love..To have compassion and shed tears with those who are suffering...To laugh with those who celebrate. To be as open as the sky and as honest as dirt with each other.

Christ knew emotions. Some of His greatest emotions,"My God, My God, why have you forsaken me.." If it be thy will take this cup from me...When He sweat blood...When He cried out, "It is finished". How deep must the emotion be when He remembers the pain of the separation from His Father...When He feels our pain? What is suffering and dying to our own desires but emotion. Jesus wept. He knows emotion. What is Gods wrath poured out on His Son against our sin? God knows sorrow and suffering and grief. He knows peace and joy and delight and enjoyment? What is worship but emotion, as we give our hearts once again, to fear Him and be in awe of who He is, to be lifted up with Him in the heavenly. I believe the Spirit is the feelings and emotions of the Father and Son. Without our Spirit we are dead.

So go for it. Feel the emotions of your heart. It is a barometer of our heart. Let your emotions lead you to Christ, to shed tears, to suffer, to grieve...to sing, to dance, to worship and to love.

My Fake Pearls

When I was a little girl, I had a necklace we called pop beads. I would pull on the necklace and they would go flying through the air scattering on the floor. It was a wood floor dad use to slide us around on an army blanket to make them shine.  It was very slippery.   I would scurry to pick them up and pop them back together again. This use to represent the events of my life to me.

Now that I am older and see Gods hand and faithfulness in everything that has ever happened to me, the events of my life are represented by beautiful pearls to me. They no longer roll around on the floor with no direction. I can see purpose and Gods glory in each and ever situation and person that has ever come into my life.

These pearls, that represent my life, are now strung together by faith in the life of Christ living in me. He has been with me all along. The colorful jewel clasp is the gospel. It fits everything into place and makes the necklace the gorgeous treasure that it is. It is a necklace of grace and love. It gives me happiness and peace and joy just because it is mine and the relationship I have with its designer. It's beauty is beyond description. Nothing can compare to it's worth. It defines me. It original and made especially with me in mind. It makes me rich. It fills my heart and soul. I feel beautiful just knowing it is mine. I feel cherished and delighted in, receiving this gift by its Creative Master Owner. I feel valued. I feel special because He loves me so. What a gift! How glorious He is. 

 To begin to know the creative mind of God is to begin to know His love for you and me.  He made a plan before the beginning to time to share with us these valuables of His creation. It was through pain and suffering.  Through laying down to pick back up.  We were chosen to be a partaker of His glorious riches, Christ Himself.

The Impossible with Nothing

Amazing day! This speaks of my heart much better than I could. I pray it blesses you. I have been praying Lord use me so I can be one beggar leading another beggar to Bread. He is because He delights in doing the impossible with nothing. So hope this blesses you.


HIS PRICELESS TREASURES
by David Wilkerson

God has determined to accomplish His goals here on earth through men with
weaknesses.

Isaiah, the great prayer warrior, was a man just like the rest of us. David,
the man after God's own heart, was a murdering adulterer who had no moral right
to any of God's blessings. Peter denied the very Lord God of heaven—cursing
the One who loved him most. Abraham, the father of nations, lived a lie—using
his wife as a pawn to save his own skin. Jacob was a conniver. Adam and Eve
turned a perfect marriage arrangement into a nightmare. Solomon, the wisest man
on earth, did some of the most stupid things ever recorded in history. Joseph
taunted his brothers in almost boyish glee—until the games almost backfired
on him. Jonah despised the mercy of God toward a repentant people and wanted to
see an entire city burn to justify his prophecies against it. Lot offered his
two virgin daughters to a mob of sex–crazed Sodomites.

The list goes on and on—men who loved God, men who were greatly used by God,
almost driven to the ground by their weaknesses. Yet, God was always there
saying, "I called you; I will be with you. I will accomplish My
will—regardless!"

One of the most encouraging Scriptures in the Bible is 2 Corinthians 4:7: "But
we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may
be of God, and not of us." Then Paul goes on to describe those earthen
vessels—dying men, troubled on every side, perplexed, persecuted, cast down.
And even though never forsaken or in despair, those men used by God are
constantly groaning under the burden of their bodies, waiting anxiously to be
clothed with new ones.

God mocks man's power. He laughs at our egotistical efforts at being good. He
never uses the high and mighty but, instead, uses the weak things of this world
to confound the wise.

"For ye see your calling, brethren, how that not many wise men after the flesh,
not many mighty, not many noble, are called: but God hath chosen the foolish
things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things
of the world to confound the things which are mighty; and base things of the
world, and things which are despised, hath God chosen, yea, and things which
are not . . . that no flesh should glory in his presence" (1 Corinthians
1:26–29).

God puts His priceless treasures in earthen vessels because He delights in
doing the impossible with nothing.

Where God? Lead Me...

I know many times we don't know what God is doing so we wait and listen, maybe even try different things. I know some times I have said Lord open a this door if this is you, shut it if it isn't. Don't know that is very biblical. Especially when I think of the giants of faith and how they persevered even in the midst of heavy trials and sufferings. So now I do try to see the opportunities that present themselves, but I also step out in faith more than I ever have. I think of my life. Where I might be best suited and what God might have taught me through the mountaintops and the valleys, and ask myself, hoping God is leading, where do you want me Lord? Where can I give others the same hope I have. Where I might encourage and serve someone, where I might learn and grow, where I might fellowship with other christians and non christians.

I use think of my prayer life when the church doors were open, before meals, before bed and when I would rise. I saw my devotionals as time of learning. I really don't remember meeting with God during them. Although I know the Spirit did write the things of scripture on my heart and did teach me. But there was no living, breathing, relationship with God.

I have come to see that my prayer life is a life with Jesus, Father and Spirit. That He is always in the recesses of my mind. That He is with me even when I am about daily task. THat He never leaves me.

THe same with ministry. I use to think I will do this bible study, belong to this group and serve, write this, speak there. But now I see ministry as my life. God is bringing people in my life all throughout my day.and me into theirs. I am to listen for God speaking to me through them and them through me. I am to be aware of their needs and how God might want to meet those needs through me. I am learning to leave myself behind and think first about others. I always did this but my heart was not right. Looking back I wanted their approval. I wanted to feel good about myself serving God. It does feel good to serve God and love others but it is to make His name great not mine.

So here I am again Lord. Bring people into my life you want to love through me. Who I can give a cup of cool water. Jesus said so you have done unto others you have done into me.

It might be forgiving someone who had treated you badly. It might be asking for forgiveness or just changing in a relationship that has not been the loving and building up kind you know God wants it to be. THere are some relationships that are just hard. You may need counsel dealing with them. Don't hesitate to get people you can trust and even your church to be with you through the steps of loving in a hard situation.

So this is where I am. Lord where do you want me. Bring in the people that I can give them Jesus. Bring people in to speak Gods love and grace to me. Use me Lord but first love me. I use to try to do ministry without being in full fellowship with God. I did it in my own strength. It doesn't work. You have no fruit and get burned out. So Lord I depend on you and pray for us all that we receive all you have for us and we give it away. One beggar leading another beggar to Bread. He is the Bread of Life.

Bread of Life

I know many times we don't know what God is doing so we wait and listen, maybe even try different things. I know some times I have said Lord open a this door if this is you, shut it if it isn't. Don't know that is very biblical. Especially when I think of the giants of faith and how they persevered even in the midst of heavy trials and sufferings. So now I do try to see the opportunities that present themselves, but I also step out in faith more than I ever have. I think of my life. Where I might be best suited and what God might have taught me through the mountaintops and the valleys, and ask myself, hoping God is leading, where do you want me Lord? Where can I give others the same hope I have. Where I might encourage and serve someone, where I might learn and grow, where I might fellowship with other christians and non christians.

I use think of my prayer life when the church doors were open, before meals, before bed and when I would rise. I saw my devotionals as time of learning. I really don't remember meeting with God during them. Although I know the Spirit did write the things of scripture on my heart and did teach me. But there was no living, breathing, relationship with God.

I have come to see that my prayer life is a life with Jesus, Father and Spirit. That He is always in the recesses of my mind. That He is with me even when I am about daily fast. THat He never leaves me.

THe same with ministry. I use to think I will do this bible study, belong to this group and serve, write this, speak there. But now I see ministry as my life. God is bringing people in my life all throughout my day.and me into theirs. I am to listen for God speaking to me through them and them through me. I am to be aware of their needs and hos God might want to meet those needs through me. I am learning to leave myself behind and think first about others. I always did this but my heart was not right. Looking back I wanted their approval. I wanted to feel good about myself serving God. It does feel good to serve God and love others but it is to make His name great not mine.

So here I am again Lord. Bring people into my life you want to love through me. Who I can give a cup of cool water. Jesus said so you have done unto others you have done into me.

It might be forgiving someone who had treated you badly. It might be asking for forgiveness or just changing in a relationship that has done be the loving and building up kind you know God wants it to be. THere are some relationships that are just hard. You may need counsel dealing with them. Don't hesitate to get people you can trust and even your church to be with you through the steps of loving in a hard situation.

So this is where I am. Lord where do you want me. Bring in the people I can give them Jesus. Bring people in to speak Gods love and grace to me. Use me Lord but first love me. I use to try to do ministry without being in full fellowship with God. I did it in my own strength. It doesn't work. You have no fruit and get burned out. So Lord I depend on you and pray for us all that we receive all you have for us and we give it away. One beggar leading another beggar to Bread. He is the Bread of Life.

My Hero

My Hero

One of my most vivid memories, with my dad, was when we use to go to my aunts house in the country on Sunday afternoon for lunch. This particular beautiful, sunny day I was strolling my doll around in my stroller. Dad said, "come outside, I want to show you something". He chased a chicken around the back yard for a few minutes until he caught one. He said, "watch this". He grabbed the chicken by the neck and began to swing the chicken around and around until he had, "wrung the chickens neck"! He took my doll out of my stroller and placed the body of the chicken in the seat of my stroller. The chicken was still moving, flapping it wings, like it was still alive. As my dad had it's head in his hand it was clear the chicken was dead.

This is such a clear picture of me to me. I was crucified with Christ. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. I died with Christ when I became a christian. I knew this intellectually but had not experienced His death in my heart. I have been flapping my wings and trying to stay alive. Two days ago the final blow came. Just as they pierced the side of Jesus to assure His death...I felt pierced. Satan meant it for evil but God meant it for good. It was a good idol as idols go. That is why it has been so deceiving. My idol had three parts, my marriage, my children and my ministry. I was the hero in all three. I have experienced the death of this person, that I am not, one by one.

I have been up most of the night grieving the death of my life that Christ was not a part of. I didn't go to God. I felt separated from HIm by the pain and suffering. I didn't want comfort. There was a wall, I felt, between us. My Father said to me, "my Son has torn down the wall". I said I can't come Father. You are going to have to come get me and hold on to me. He was silent and He waited, as in Song of Solomon. The crying stopped. Then I moved near, into His presence and just was. There were no words. We were just together, I was, He was.

Paul had a thorn in his flesh. Three times he ask the Lord to remove it. God said, "my grace is sufficient for you". I believe this was a desire Paul had, a fleshly desire. Through this self centered desire he was humbled and He learned about Gods grace. This is where I have been for 40 years in the desert, as the Israelites, worshiping my idols. I have had to face my giants, my fears, but now I trust I am moving to the Promised Land.

This is not an experience of feeling His presence. This is a life of trust and standing for righteousness. It is a life of faith. It is a place above this world. Where I am learning to trust my Abba with my circumstances. They are no longer something I desire to try to control. It is a place where His love and peace and joy is in my existence with Him. I have no idea that I can stay in this place in this life. But I know I am emerged into His very being and nothing can separate me from Him.

I know life through death. I know better how to love others. I know Him intimately and His mighty power to rescue a sinner like me. I am not sinless. It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with receiving what is already mine, Him, my Hero.

The Art of Self Forgetfulness

There was a time I was faced everyday with the reality of my inadequacies. I did not respect myself.  I felt a lot of shame and false guilt.  I am not sure how you can feel like you can't do anything right and at the same time, feel you are the only one that can do what is right.  They both come from a heart of pride.  These inadequacies only reminds me, yes, you are inadequate but Jesus has come. He has set His affections on you.  How valuable do you think you are if the Father would send His only Son to come to earth to bring you into the abundant family of God through death on a cross, through suffering, the pain of the world, abandonment, humiliations, mocking, the feeling of desertion and a loneliness He had never experience.  He knows what it is to lose everything for love.

What did degrade me, now, points me to Jesus.  The more I become aware of my envelopment in Him and His radical love, with out any conditions, the freer I am becoming, free to lose myself.   I have begun the art of self-forgetfulness.  Instead of focusing on my sin or how right I am,  the focus of the eyes of my heart are being filled with the radical love of the Father, Son and Spirit.  They are always in the recesses of my mind no matter what I am doing.  The love of God still brings me to repentance but it is deep, quick conviction, and life giving.  This too just points me to the love of my Abba and His Son's holiness for me.

I began to wonder, does God respect me. I know I am to be in deep respect and awe of Him, fear of Him.   I wanted to know what His respect for me looked like in my relationship with Him.  The Greek word for respect is timao, to honor, revere or venerate.  It literally means to place great value on something. In both definitions of respect, Greek and English, the word respect is used interchangeable with love.  Agape', the Greek, for one kind of love, means holding one in high regard, self sacrificing.  This is the love Jesus had for the disciples.  It is our love for one another no matter our race, sex, economic or educational status.  That was the answer to my question...Gods respect and greatest love for me was demonstrated in sending His Son, Jesus, to rescue me from myself.  The Father and Son laid down their life for me.  The Spirit felt the pain and anguish of the Father and the Son. The more I am struck by the magnitude of His greatness and power, the more I am sustained and fulfilled.  The more content I am in His love and enjoy being with Him,  the greater His glory shows through me.  I lose myself in the love of God.

At The Foot of the Cross, Again

Here I am at the foot of the cross again. I am weak and tired and my true heart is showing through, as I try to protect my husband on these pain meds. He is stubborn and strong willed and bored and anxious, and I am hovering. My control or lack of it is wearing me down. I can either keep trying to suck it up, pull up my boots straps or let go of the situation and my husband, do the best I canand trust God. If my husband were a little child I would pick him up and just hold him in my arms til he is better. But he is 6'3", over 200 pds and big in statue. He wants to get up and go. He drove his car on the farm this morning and who knows where else lol, I panicked.

God says we will know Him in our weakness. Brennan Manning and Paul boast in nothing but the cross and love of Christ. They knew they had nothing to offer but Christ offered them everything. When we are weak, our resources we depend on are gone. We are given over to the strength and wisdom of God and Him only. We see our dyer need of a Savior because we are utterly helpless in and of ourselves. Apart from me you can do nothing, He said. I was just praying about my heart. I am mean and hateful. I am like a snake that has his head cut off and is whipping to and fro like it is still alive. I must die to my desires, even though I think they are good ones, and let God work through His love. When we can't only He can. It will be the love of God that brings me to repentance. We can't do repentance but we can pray for it. We can receive it when it comes. We can receive Him and allow Him to live through us We are like butter melting into a hot roll lol. We sink into Him and His existence. We are one.

Broken

I brought Danny home yesterday, from the hospital, with his knee replacement. It was a very long day getting him here, getting him settled and his meds.

I woke at 5:30 this morning finding him in the shower. He just took one last night. He is broken out from the pain med, itching. I rubbed him with lotion, trying to sooth him til we can call in again.

I am so broken right now physically and spiritually. I am tired, he is heavy and big, this machinery is heavy and big and I don't know all I need to know. I called the doctor last night trying to get an understanding of his 6 meds. He is frustrated, restless and in pain. Just pulling on his tight white stockings this morning and getting his clothes on him wore me out. I had to stop several times to get a grip so I wouldn't jerk or hurt him. He was arguing with me, he was hallucinating. In was night and he thought it was morning, he was wanting meds at the wrong times. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I am hurting because he is hurting and I don't know how to help him. I really am trying. I have prayed for this heart, a compassionate, serving heart. NOw that I have it, it is hard to bare. He isn't eating nor did he sleep much last night.

I sit on my porch, drinking my coffee, the gentle breeze blowing against my wet face, the sounds of His creation awakening and my wind chimes ringing, I am amazed at Him as the clouds, above my head, move with wonder, and grace and purpose. Because Love lives and has His being within me I can choose Him. I can choose love. He is the sustainer and keeper of my heart. I am powerless to change my heart. I am as depend on Him as Danny now is on me. He cannot rise up or turn over without my help. I feel an inner strength rising up within me. It is like the Lord is saying I bless those who diligently seek me. I am blessing you with my presence. You are not alone. I have a confidence. I can do this. I do seek Him with my whole heart because He draws me nigh, to His side in tender mercies.

I just need prayer. He needs prayer. This is so much bigger than me. God is breaking my heart and teaching me to love and giving me that love that He has for me. How He has so faithfully and diligently served me all of my days. I haven't even served my husband for 24 hours. It is taking a heart bigger and stronger than mine, His heart.

Deborah

I Haven't Loved Well

God has put something on my heart and when He does this I can't get rid of it til I share it. So for the peace of God I bare my soul.

I have not loved my husband well. We are like oil and water, we don't mix but make for a great salad. We are so different. I know, that is the idea. I am as far the left as he is to the right. But together we are one. He is strong where I am weak and I am strong where he is weak. We make for a great team.

I have always wanted the praise and approval of man, to please people. That is one of my greatest sins. He is a coach. He pleases himself and God and thinks you do not need his approval. He once told me if I do not say anything you are doing good. I don't go on that.

So what has happened. God is refining us both by us remaining together even through difficulties. If you have gotten a divorce for what ever reason then God uses that in your life. For us, we made a covenant and no matter how hard it has gotten we are committed. We are just that legalistic I guess. But what has happen, as God conforms us into one Spirit, two bodies, we are becoming like Christ. It is the hardest thing I have ever done. I don't naturally love well. I struggle with self righteousness in the worse way. That means I think I am better than others. Well especially those that don't give me what I think I need. Or maybe it means I don't have sin as bad as yours, especially if you hurt me.

The truth is we are all alike. We all are in need of Jesus. Either you learn to let Him live His life through you or you live to your own desires of what you think will make you happy.  As for me I go back and forth like the blowing of the wind.  But God always wins me over in the end. Over the years I have seen my way doesn't work.  His way never lets me down.  So the older I get the more I press into Him and the desires of HIs heart.   Repentance does my heart good.  It draws me away for going my own way.  To HIs side where I abide.   Only Jesus truly gives us the desires of our hearts. It is His love it is HIm.

THe older and more mature Paul got he said I am chief of all sinners. Paul did not sin more but he saw his need for Jesus more. THe closer you get to the light, Jesus, the more you see your need, your failures. Scripture says he who is forgiven much loves much. When we see how much God forgives us and loves us, we can love and forgive others with the same mercy and grace He showers us with.

That is what Jesus is all about. GIving us love for Him and for others. THe summation of the law is to love God and to love others as ourselves. Apart from Christ living in us and us trusting in His life by faith, we cannot do this.

My husband is so unlike me. I am so unlike him. We have fought, argued, been silent but Jesus is teaching us both to love each other as Jesus loves us.

Theology

There are so many different theologies swirling around I get dizzy. We are sinners. We are saints. What goes it?

THis is how I see it and I am no theologian. We are chosen before the beginning of time. God sent His gage on us.

Because of Adam we all are sinners domed for hell. But Jesus sent His son to pay the price for our sin. He came and lived the perfect life we could not live and died the life we deserved. He died a sinless life in the place of us, the sinner. He was buried. The third day He arose from the grave giving us each eternal life who believe in Him and trust Him with our life.

When He went to sit beside the Father in heaven He left His Spirit for us. His Spirit and the Spirit of the Father now lives in us. We are not alone. We will never be separated from Him. He is in us forever. We are righteous because His righteousness, His perfectness, lives in us.

We are sinners saved by grace in the past but we are now perfect, holy, forgiven, loved, righteous as if we lived a perfect life, which we cannot do. We are saints, beloved by the beloved. He lives in us forever and is living and being in and through us. Can you fathom? The creator of the universe has chosen us and to make a life with us. He has chosen to bring us into the very body of CHrist, the trinity. To share in the joy and the love that is beyond anything we can imagine. To know them, HIm, in an intimate way and the trinity to know and share in our very being.

The more we yield, surrender, trust the more we seeing Jesus loving like we cannot love, forgiving as we cannot, miracles happen, people are set free and we are in awe. The only way we can do this is to depend on Him to do through us what we cannot do on our own. It is all HIm that does the doing. He so conforms our hearts to His, our wills to His, our minds to His. We are one.

The Silent Sickness

Why does it take courage to admit and share you have mental illness?

For a long time, I felt shame when I though of sharing with others about mental illness. I didn't understand it myself. I hated to go into groups, such as church. I didn't know who knew and who didn't know I was sick. I always felt inferior, like surely people were talking about me. One way to stop gossip is to be honest about the truth. I came out of the closet. My husband and I went public about my illness. We gave interviews.  My husband sponsored charity golf tournaments. I began to read about famous people, of years ago and present, that had the disease. They were not ashamed to speak out to help others. I felt called to do the same. This is one reason I write.

I think we naturally judge others. Not too long ago I had severe anxiety. The advice that I received from most people was that I was not trusting God. I repented of lack of faith and went to the Lord over and over to increase my faith. As it turned out I was having an allergic reaction to one of my meds.

Once I spoke in a church. Afterward a lady came up to me and said, " I am going to pray for you". I thanked her. She said Satan has a hold of you. Some of the church has assumed that mental illness is caused by sin. The mentally ill have no more sin than anyone else.  We will all struggle with sin until we see Him face to face.

There is a close minded thinking on taking medications for those who suffer.  I do think in some cases it is given too freely, but in others, it is needed and not received.  Many patients, including me, have this thinking in the back of our mind that it is a weakness to take medicine.  So we get a little bit better and then off of it we go.  Only to get sick again and relapse.  It becomes even harder to bring us back to reality.  At this point we are tempted to self medicate with things such as alcohol, drugs and pain killers.  I know I have done it.  The medicine is not a cure all, but it does give you a chance to go into remission where you can deal with life and any issues that might be troubling you.  You can educated yourself.  You can think clearly again in a lot of cases.  It takes a constant tweaking and changing medications, with side effects and symptoms all along the way, searching for the right medication with an excellent, gifted doctor.  Some never find the right medication to help.  But it is a God given resource that helps many.  I am one of those.  Mental illness is a biological brain disorder, that for  most of us, it responses positively to medication.

People are largely uneducated on mental illness. I have lost friends because I have shared honestly with them. Some are afraid of it and the people who have it. We are just ordinary people with a brain that is lacking in what it needs to be healthy, so we generally are on medication, vitamins, along with counseling, exercise, good nutrition, support of friends and family, lots of rest, and the support of a good doctor and the church. For some this is not enough.

I am fortunate to have the best of care. Many are not so fortunate. The government has cut back on funds and hospitals for the mentally ill tremendously. The jails and prisons are now flooded with these individuals and they don't know what to do with them in most cases. Please contact your congressmen, know who they are and help educate them on mental illness. There is help with getting medications through the manufacture of some of the medications.

Most groups are reaching out to be educated on how to deal with the mentally ill.  I have spoken to police departments, people in the medical field, churches, manufactures employees. A friend and I led a support group for the mi. There are programs with an organization called NAMI. National Alliance of the Mentally Ill. THis is where most of my training and education on the subject came from, also my doctor.   NAMI also has programs for the families of the mentally ill.  They educate all who desire to be educated.  Their website is www.nami.org.

It has been said that Mary Magdalene had mental illness before Jesus healed her.  She was the first one for Him to appear to after the resurrection.  He has compassion for the mentally ill.  He died for the sinner and for the sick.  He may not heal our bodies and minds in this life but He heals our hearts.

Please message me on Desperate Delight on face book if I can help in any way. There is much to learn and know if you are affected with mental illness either yourself or someone you know and love.  

Sickness Unto Death

Pastor Rick Warren's youngest son committed suicide, I just read. Pastor Warren is also the author of the book The Purpose Driven Life. His son suffered quietly from mental illness through out his life. He was a compassionate, loving man, 27 years old.

As I suffer also from mental illness, I can understand how this tragedy could happen. During a time of severe sickness while having delusions and illusions, I also attempted suicide on two different occasions, many years ago. I love the Lord with my whole heart. I appreciate life as a wonderful gift from God. With a healthy mind I would not have attempted such a thing. In light of this tragedy I am feeling compelled to tell this story in my writing.

Mental illness is no respecter of persons. It affects 1 in 4 people. No one is immune. It is a sickness of the mind like diabetes is of the body. There is much help and hope today. We have come so far in treating this awful disease with medications, family and friend support, counseling, education and faith. But it does not help everyone.

Please be in prayer for the Warrens as they grieve the loss of their precious son. The Father shares in their pain. He also lost His Son through suffering.

Our hearts are with you Pastor and Mrs. Warren, family, church body and friends.  We need you God, Father, Son and Spirit to be with us.  To comfort our hearts and souls.  You are with us no matter where we go.  Nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Satan will try and tell us God is not good but He is.  God loves His children and He is about goodness and love and righteousness.  He cares for us throughout eternity.  This life is but a breath in view of life with Him forever.

Nothing Can Separate Us

I just wrote a post similar to...you can't push God when He is still. You can't stop Him when He decides to move.

I have prayed for something most of my life. I have read, studied, tried to change, gotten counsel, given counsel, prayed, meditated, loved, hated, gotten angry, kept silent, it never happened. God has a much bigger picture in mind than we ever imagined. We have our agendas. He has a kingdom focus. He is about winning our hearts and making us more like Jesus. I am not saying he does not care about our concerns but He is so much more grande than we can grasp. We think small. He thinks tremendously big. So big His ways are not even our ways.

He promises to give us the desires of our hearts. When we let go of the things we hold so tightly and give our hearts to Him freely, He works. Until then He is in war for us. He is aggressive and jealous and relentless. He is moving mountains and hilltops and valleys. He is moving the earth and heavens to bring our hearts and souls to rest and love with Him. Nothing is too big or too small for His attention. He has an agenda. He has a purpose and a plan. It is about His glory. It is about dragging us home if He has to. Nothing on earth, heaven or hell can stop Him. THere is a battle to be won and He has won it. He claims His own and goes after them with all of His might it takes to deliver them from bondage of slavery and fear.

When He accomplishes His purposes and the struggles of our hearts come to a place of rest, we enjoy His divine presence. We are free. Free from condemnation, legalism, oppression, the love of the things of this world, our selfishness, inward love and focus, our spirits are one with His. We are more concerned with the best for others than ourselves. We have His thoughts, His heart, His will is ours, His love is ours, His passion is ours, His compassion is ours. We hurt over the things that hurt Him. We set into battle over the things He has won and we are fearless. His peace is our peace that passes all understanding. As we share Him our joy is made complete. He is in us. He is being and living and moving and doing miracles in and through us. He is changing hearts and freeing from sin. He is giving identities and purpose. We are His and nothing can ever separate us or take away the things He has given us, Himself.

God Rules

You can't hurry God up when He is still.  You can't slow Him down when He decides to move.  His timing is perfect.  God moves when He decides He will.  God rules!

I'm Back Home

                               Deep Unto Deep

Not only have I been hurt, but I have hurt.  Most of us have.  When you ask God for a deep unto deep existence with Him, when we pray for God to move us to a greater love for Him and others, when you want more of Christ life through you and less of you, it usually calls for pain and suffering.  It feels like you are dying and you are.  I am experiencing it.  Easter is becoming a reality in a deeper way than it ever has before.  

Laying face down before the throne of God I wait.  I wait for the resurrection unto life in Him.  I wait for the work of the Spirit to be done in my heart.  I was before God for three days trying to find life. My peace and joy was gone.  I didn’t sense His love for me.  My heart was hard, then stoic.  I knew He would rescue me, I just didn’t know when and how.  I prayed... I feel my hands slipping down your arms.  Grab hold of me.  Please Father, don’t let me go.

Hours later....

 God’s love brought me to a change of heart.  My last instances, I have seen, without the restrains of the Holy Spirit in a particular area, I am no different that the one I condemn.  This is not to excuse sin but to love better, deeper, bolder, gentler and with truth.  It is to move me to action, to waiting, speaking, listening and trusting the One who has the final say in it all.

In the fall my husband cut back our shrubs.  They had gone wild and crazy.  Just now they are beginning to show signs that they are alive.  I had gotten prideful.  Something had to be done by the One that loves me unto death, His and mine.

I have a home.  It is not in this world.  It is in the recesses of the heart of God. It is where the Prince of Peace is, where joy is found.  It is in the heavens but we can experience this mighty Love here on earth now, not to the full measure it will be when we see Him face to face.  But more than we can contain in this life.  It is for each one of us. It deepens and deepens as into an ocean with no floor.  There is a beauty of life and colors and forms and wonders within the ocean, that we do not see.  We cannot see until we dive into it’s deep waters.  We cannot stay there but for a time.  We can enter a world beyond anything we have ever known.  It is possible to go there, through the Spirit of God the Father and Son living with us, just being in us.  He has a work to do in our hearts and He is relentless.  He wants us to move out of this world of darkness into the world of light.  He wants us to experience the beauty.  He wants us to experience Him.