My Hero

My Hero

One of my most vivid memories, with my dad, was when we use to go to my aunts house in the country on Sunday afternoon for lunch. This particular beautiful, sunny day I was strolling my doll around in my stroller. Dad said, "come outside, I want to show you something". He chased a chicken around the back yard for a few minutes until he caught one. He said, "watch this". He grabbed the chicken by the neck and began to swing the chicken around and around until he had, "wrung the chickens neck"! He took my doll out of my stroller and placed the body of the chicken in the seat of my stroller. The chicken was still moving, flapping it wings, like it was still alive. As my dad had it's head in his hand it was clear the chicken was dead.

This is such a clear picture of me to me. I was crucified with Christ. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. I died with Christ when I became a christian. I knew this intellectually but had not experienced His death in my heart. I have been flapping my wings and trying to stay alive. Two days ago the final blow came. Just as they pierced the side of Jesus to assure His death...I felt pierced. Satan meant it for evil but God meant it for good. It was a good idol as idols go. That is why it has been so deceiving. My idol had three parts, my marriage, my children and my ministry. I was the hero in all three. I have experienced the death of this person, that I am not, one by one.

I have been up most of the night grieving the death of my life that Christ was not a part of. I didn't go to God. I felt separated from HIm by the pain and suffering. I didn't want comfort. There was a wall, I felt, between us. My Father said to me, "my Son has torn down the wall". I said I can't come Father. You are going to have to come get me and hold on to me. He was silent and He waited, as in Song of Solomon. The crying stopped. Then I moved near, into His presence and just was. There were no words. We were just together, I was, He was.

Paul had a thorn in his flesh. Three times he ask the Lord to remove it. God said, "my grace is sufficient for you". I believe this was a desire Paul had, a fleshly desire. Through this self centered desire he was humbled and He learned about Gods grace. This is where I have been for 40 years in the desert, as the Israelites, worshiping my idols. I have had to face my giants, my fears, but now I trust I am moving to the Promised Land.

This is not an experience of feeling His presence. This is a life of trust and standing for righteousness. It is a life of faith. It is a place above this world. Where I am learning to trust my Abba with my circumstances. They are no longer something I desire to try to control. It is a place where His love and peace and joy is in my existence with Him. I have no idea that I can stay in this place in this life. But I know I am emerged into His very being and nothing can separate me from Him.

I know life through death. I know better how to love others. I know Him intimately and His mighty power to rescue a sinner like me. I am not sinless. It has nothing to do with that. It has to do with receiving what is already mine, Him, my Hero.