Broken

I brought Danny home yesterday, from the hospital, with his knee replacement. It was a very long day getting him here, getting him settled and his meds.

I woke at 5:30 this morning finding him in the shower. He just took one last night. He is broken out from the pain med, itching. I rubbed him with lotion, trying to sooth him til we can call in again.

I am so broken right now physically and spiritually. I am tired, he is heavy and big, this machinery is heavy and big and I don't know all I need to know. I called the doctor last night trying to get an understanding of his 6 meds. He is frustrated, restless and in pain. Just pulling on his tight white stockings this morning and getting his clothes on him wore me out. I had to stop several times to get a grip so I wouldn't jerk or hurt him. He was arguing with me, he was hallucinating. In was night and he thought it was morning, he was wanting meds at the wrong times. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I am hurting because he is hurting and I don't know how to help him. I really am trying. I have prayed for this heart, a compassionate, serving heart. NOw that I have it, it is hard to bare. He isn't eating nor did he sleep much last night.

I sit on my porch, drinking my coffee, the gentle breeze blowing against my wet face, the sounds of His creation awakening and my wind chimes ringing, I am amazed at Him as the clouds, above my head, move with wonder, and grace and purpose. Because Love lives and has His being within me I can choose Him. I can choose love. He is the sustainer and keeper of my heart. I am powerless to change my heart. I am as depend on Him as Danny now is on me. He cannot rise up or turn over without my help. I feel an inner strength rising up within me. It is like the Lord is saying I bless those who diligently seek me. I am blessing you with my presence. You are not alone. I have a confidence. I can do this. I do seek Him with my whole heart because He draws me nigh, to His side in tender mercies.

I just need prayer. He needs prayer. This is so much bigger than me. God is breaking my heart and teaching me to love and giving me that love that He has for me. How He has so faithfully and diligently served me all of my days. I haven't even served my husband for 24 hours. It is taking a heart bigger and stronger than mine, His heart.

Deborah