Such precious times

I already miss my daughter.  After the kids would go to bed and a hectic, busy, loud, demanding, fun day.  She and I would sit on the back porch, the fans blowing, the crickets singing and  the darkness would come upon us.  We would just sit there together.  Sometimes talking, sometimes not.  Smoking cigarette, drinking coke and listening to her sing her favorite songs with youtube all night long.  We would sit there with each other til the sun began to rise.  I learned so much from her.  She is such a wise woman.  Suffering has taught her so much.  As I sit here tears streaming down m;y face I can't help but think she will never know my love for her til she does an alnighter with her daughter when she is a woman.  Such precious times.

Long distant relationships

The house is empty of the crying and laughter that has filled the house for a month.  All there is left are the remains of my grandchildren being here.  A little building out of legos.  A half glass of chocolate milk in the refrigerator.  A few soda cans.  My sons dog the kids enjoyed playing with so much while they were here.  Chuck, the dog stopped many of tears and arguments.  Funny what the love of an animal can do.

My daughter and her children left today after being with us for a month.  I feel like the wind has been taken out of my sails.  My granddaughter said, "Mem why can't you go with us".  Oh if she only knew how badly I wanted to be with them.  While they were here I saw me in her mother.  Her mother in her good and bad.  My family reminds me of what heaven must be like sinners who are loved beyond imagination.

They all were tired when they left.  Lots of friends and family the last week trying to get in the last visits and fun before they left.  Please pray for them and their safe travel.

Well life will go on.  To the next challenge,  the next event, the next circumstance.  I wonder what tomorrow will hold for us all.  I wonder who they will grow up to be.  What will be the joys and sorrows of their life.  Could I have helped in some way I don't see now.  You want to go past their little faces into their hearts and hear what they are really saying.  What their fears maybe.  How to nurture true beliefs.  Their minds are like little sponges.  Ready to learn and experience life.  They see only the best and ignore the rest but what impact does life have on them?

Will they remember the wrestling of the calf?  The fishing.  The exploring of the farm and beach in years to come?  I pray they grow to enjoy God.  They appreciate His creation.  They learn to express their little hearts to a loving heavenly Father.  They grow to experience their gifts and talents not only for themselves to glorify God but to bless others.

For the months to come it is long distant relationships.  I want to think of ways to help them grow in love and security.  I want to take little opportunities I have missed to let them know how important they are to me and to God.  I want to make a difference because I love them, their mother and God who ultimately loves them more than me.

Jesus is enough

Don't you love how when the Spirit is teaching you something it keeps coming us in circumstances, through people and writings.  Today I read a post that in part is so much what God is teaching me I had to pass it on.

The idols of my life have been so strong.  Did I have the power and strength to resist the temptation they promised.  That I would surely die if I did not get comfort, love, strength from them and all the other lies they offered.  It is said our hearts are nest of idols.  But I had particular ones that were very tempting and strong.  I knew all things were possible to those who were in Christ Jesus but did I know how to appropriate the power of God in pulling away from the magnet that so had a hold of me.  All I know is I came to a point I knew I could not do it in and of myself.  I had to cry out to God that I would love Him more than anything this world had to offer.  I saw them as temporal and my relationship and life with God as eternal.

I had to ask myself...if I lost my money, fame, relationship with my children, marriage, my grandchildren and friends would Jesus be enough.  So many times I had returned to the lovers of the world instead of my soul.  But this time Christ would give me the strength in my weakness to walk away.  It kept coming up and I had to keep returning to Christ instead.  Turning from our idols is probably the hardest thing we will ever do because they are so strong.  Even with the grace of God it takes our cooperation in what the Spirit is doing in setting us free.

There comes a point that the flood gates of heaven open up.  That we see that even if everything is gone Jesus will be enough.  He is all we need.  He is the only secure thing that we have in this life.
Everything else vanishes like the lilies of the valley that are here for a season.

You do not even realize you are in the dark until the light begins to shine.  Without the Spirit we are blinded to our own sin.  We justify, blame others and deny the sin that has such a hold on us.

I am so thankful for the grace I have today, right now to say Jesus is enough.  Temptation may come stronger than ever because I am writing of Gods faithfulness.  But I am His and He will not turn His back on me whether I stand or fall.  It is not about me but what God does in our hearts and who He is.

Our chief end of man is to glorify God and enjoy Him forever.  He is breaking good leaders to use us in His kingdom plan.  He is getting us into a position to move us into our purpose.  To make us useful in the lives of others.  To be one who brings the good news of Jesus into hopeless lives.  To tell of Him and His love for sinners.  That we are His beloved.

Too Bad for Too Long

Corrie Ten Boone said there is no pit too deep that God doesn't reach deeper still.  Right now I must believe that.  When the same thing keeps happening over and over and over do you give up?  Is it too hard for God?  What must He be doing in seemingly hopeless situations.  Is it hopeless?  Is it too bad?  Too wrong?  For too long?

My heart breaks as I fight for hope.  I am in a desperate situation with someone.  All my resources are spent.  All my energy is gone.  All my ideas have proven wrong.  I am in complete dependence on God.

Does He leave us to ourselves to despair.  That we see what we are apart from Him.  To bring our heart to an on fire state for Him and His righteousness.  That we are willing to do whatever it takes to change and follow Him.  That He fights not against flesh and blood but spiritual to set us free from our selves and the evil that lurks to destroy us.  I have to remember the battle has been won.  That the victory is a part of history never to be changed.  That it affects us, our lives, our future and is our hope.

God never sleeps nor slumbers.  He never forgets His own nor passes them by.  His children never get beyond His reach.  He never leaves His creation.  Nothing happens to us that does not pass through His fingers of love.

Helpless to Save Ourselves

I don't know when I have been so full of mixed emotions.  My heart aches for the ones I love.  There is nothing like suffering along side someone you love dearly and being helpless to help.  You are solely dependent on God to intervene.  To rescue, to save to deliver.  To open eyes and hearts that are self absorbed.  Pride keeps a heart from turning to others for help and support.  And appreciating when they do.  Someone can be their worse enemy.  So consumed they cannot receive.  To receive takes humility.  It takes getting your eyes on others and their needs.  Knowing they helpless to save themselves.

Martin Luther says we are caterpillars in a ring of fire.  The only deliverance in from above.

The Israelites were full of grumbling and complaining.  They could not appreciate the deliverance of God from Slavery.  Nor did they see His love for them and His provision for them for every need.  It kept them from entering into the promised land.  I do not want this to be me or the ones I love.

Fun at the Ocean

My granddaughter has been scared of storms.  She went out on the beach the first few days.  Then she and I were watching television and it said something about it storming at the beach.  She would not go back to the beach for fear of the storm.  We all decided to go to the beach so she had to go.  There was no one for her to stay with.  After explaining, coaxing, begging her mother had to drag her to the beach.  When she got there she began to play in the sand.  Then I look over and she was running to the ocean soon to hit the waves with all her might.  She was free from fear and having the time of her life.

I thought my Father has to do the same thing with me.  Drag me into my fears to delight.  As long as I stand at bay I will never live life to its fullest or experience the joys it has to offer.  The wonderful gifts my Father has given me.

None is wasted

After last night of having a migraine all night and being sick with it.  Today I have had much quiet time, solitude and rest.  Much to think about.  I feel wonderful.  Thank you.  I know some of you were praying for that for me.

Scripture talks about a grain of wheat falling to the ground and dying.  That there is life after death.  To me this is an example of the cross.  Christ death on our behalf brings us life, eternal life but more than that.  Life here and now.  We can be so consumed by the interruptions of this life.  Of the pain, sorrow and suffering of ourselves and the ones we love our world can be colored black and white.  Mostly black.

To tell someone God has a plan.  Trust in God.  He will use it for good.  All seems like a cliche.  When they are knocked to their knees so many times you wonder how they rise up again.  You must listen with compassion.  With your heart not your quick answers.  Pray with your heart and soul.  Feel their pain as if it were your own.  That is what Christ did.  He felt every pain, rejection, suffering we will ever feel at the cross.

I don't understand God right now.  How such horrific things can be captured to allow His purpose and His glory.  How our death can bring us fellowship with Him.  How it can bring us glory to share with Him in the future kingdom.  But it is a promise.  Dying can be quick and glorifying or it can be slow and dreary.  I pray to glorify God in my death.  Do I do that in the death here on earth or do I struggle to survive my way.  I think I know what is best.  I want the less painful way for all.  His ways are beyond my comprehension but I know He wants to know we love Him and know Him.  Not to figure it all out but to receive His love with our wounded open heart vulnerable, broken, contrite.  Only He can bring us to this point and not hard and bitter.

We try to find our own way but there is no way but His.  Without Him we are lost.  It all is senseless without Him and with Him none is wasted.  No pain, no tear, no despair is wasted.  It all has purpose and use in His perfect hand of the potter.  We are to be molded into His image.  It is His light and there is no darkness in light.  It is the light unto our path and the truth of this mighty King we serve.

John 12:24
Truly, truly, I say to you, unless a grain of wheat falls into the earth and dies, it remains alone; but if it dies, it bears much fruit.

New Attitude

Vacations are great I guess.  I don't take many.  Just sitting on the screened in porch.  Hearing the fireworks, listening to the critters here and feeling the breeze and smell of the ocean.  Sounds wonderful doesn't it.  It is nice and I don't want to seem ungrateful but I miss the quiet of my home.  The silence I am use to.  Haven't seen a sunrise yet.  Think I will try to get out in the morning.  I miss having my own space to meditate and ponder.  Hearing the music I so love.  Reading and studying.  Am not writing anything except here.   On the flip side loving being with family.  Really going to miss them when they leave.

Went to lunch and a little shopping with an old friend today.  Really loved seeing her and catching up.  Been to the beach and for ice cream with the grand boys.  So wish they were closer.  They grow up so fast.  Where does the time go?

I pray I am not so self centered the rest of the time here.  I need to be giving more instead of thinking of my inconveniences.  So enjoy my family but felt so tired on coming here.  I have a migraine tonight.  Been trying to cut out the sodas and not so much caffeine.  Maybe why Don't really know.

Gonna pray for a new attitude tonight.  Would like to take a walk on the beach in the morning.  Haven't taken advantage of being here.  More family comes tomorrow.  Just want to enjoy our time left here and with them all.  I am just rambling.  Hope you have a good night and find the peace that our Savior provides.  The comfort from His heart to yours.

He knows me

It has been a good day.  Rest body and soul.  Didn't know I was so tired.  Got a glimpse at the ocean.  It is amazing how big God is.  How great His creation is. It is so vast.  I am but a speck of dust in comparison but yet He loves and knows all about me.  I have no fear of being open and honest with Him about my heart.  He is fully aware before a though comes into being in my mind.  When there was silence and void He was.  So incomprehensible that He always was and always will be.  That He knew me before time.

Awake from a Dream

Have you ever felt like you just woke up from a dream and you weren't asleep?  I feel like the last year of my life was a dream.  Things happened to me that were bigger than life.  It was like a dream world.  Now I have awakened and I want to know who I am.  What life is all about.  My life.  I need some time.  Time to ponder the things of God.  His purposes.  He allows weird things sometimes to bring about His purposes.  We know His ways are not our ways.  He is all knowing.  He is ever present.  He is in control.  I cannot fathom His awesome power.

I love diving into the mind of God.  Who can know it.  But He does want us to know Him and we will spend all of eternity getting to know Him.  He fascinates me beyond words.  His presence wells up inside me and overcomes me with love.

God lets our hearts loose and exposes its loves and desires.  Then He ask us to give it all up and follow Him.  THe pain of loosing it puts you in the deepest kind of fellowship and relationship with God that you would know no other way.  It is an experience above all human reasoning and imagination.  He is so worth it all.  To Him I give.  Myself I die.  To Him I live.

Receive Me

It 4a.m.  Have tossed and turned and been awake most of the night.  Probably too much coffee.  But lots on my mind.  I think God wants to do something surprisingly different in me.  I can feel it.  It almost feels like I reach for it and it slips right through my fingers.  Or it is just beyond my reach.

Do you ever think something is owed you?  Something you deserve and demand almost.  I can't be happy unless I have...  I know plenty of people who have this and they appear to have wonderful lives. I would never say these things to God but when the Spirit searches my heart that is how I see Him reveal it to me.

When I don't receive what I think I deserve in life and instead get pain.  I turn inward, isolate, run to something else I think will lick my wounds.  Withhold myself and protect from other possible vulnerable situations that might dig deeper into my prolonged pain.

Sometimes I think Gods is saying don't try to figure it out just love me.  Accept my love.  Receive me.

Amazing Grace

AMAZING GRACE!!!!!

Max Lucado

Today's MP3 Mount Everest is sudden blinding snow.  Temperatures are hovering below zero.  In two hours, Dan Mazur would be at the summit realizing a lifelong dream.  He sees a flash of color; a person perched on a razor-edged rock. “What’s your name?” he shouts. “Lincoln Hall,” was the reply. Earlier he’d heard the announcement, “Lincoln Hall is dead on the mountain.” Dan was face to face with a miracle.  He was also face to face with a choice!  Descending a mountain has profound risks.  How long would Lincoln live anyway?  He had to choose.  Abandon his dream or abandon Lincoln Hall. We make defining decisions every day.  Not on Everest, but with spouses, children, at work, in school, in churches.  Jesus tells us to “honor others above ourselves.”   Give more than requested.  Do more than demanded. The sweetest satisfaction lies not in climbing your own Everest, but in helping others climb theirs! “Be devoted to one another in brotherly love; give preference to one another in honor. Romans 12:10″

The Lion

These past few weeks have been hard.  I have felt like God was silent and I didn't know why.  The things that kept coming to my mind were that He loved me and He would never leave me.  But then I would see the condition of my heart.  It was no good.  My true motives for wanting something.  Something that I thought I had to have to be ok.  I saw jealously, pride, covet and so much more because of these root things that I wanted.  When I didn't get them I saw the things I ran to.  Like my addictions.  The things I hide in and find comfort in.  The things I thought would save me.

In the quiet of my time with the Lord the Spirit revealed so much to me I was broken.  THings I had never thought of before.  Things I never thought were a problem for me.  I was running to my comfort instead of God and it was very clear by His silence.  I felt confused but somehow still hung on to Christ love for me and that no sin of mine was bigger that the cross.

But what was God doing...

Right outside my porch under the eve of the house there is a little bird nest I have been watching.  I saw the mother cover the eggs with her wings.  Then I saw three little birds hatch.  During this time other birds would come to the nest and the mother bird would fight them off.  She would feed them, protect them, care for them, fight for them.  They could not defend or fly or do anything for themselves.

I see God doing this for me.  But I don't see Him as a small little bird I see Him as a Lion.  King of the beast.  Greatest of all.  And He has come to fight for me.  To rescue me from these things.  I am defenseless.  I can do nothing of my own.  I look to the King, the Lion.  And I am saved.