It 4a.m. Have tossed and turned and been awake most of the night. Probably too much coffee. But lots on my mind. I think God wants to do something surprisingly different in me. I can feel it. It almost feels like I reach for it and it slips right through my fingers. Or it is just beyond my reach.
Do you ever think something is owed you? Something you deserve and demand almost. I can't be happy unless I have... I know plenty of people who have this and they appear to have wonderful lives. I would never say these things to God but when the Spirit searches my heart that is how I see Him reveal it to me.
When I don't receive what I think I deserve in life and instead get pain. I turn inward, isolate, run to something else I think will lick my wounds. Withhold myself and protect from other possible vulnerable situations that might dig deeper into my prolonged pain.
Sometimes I think Gods is saying don't try to figure it out just love me. Accept my love. Receive me.