Monday, February 3, 2014

It is what it is...

Hey prayer warriors. I need prayer. From a couple of weeks ago, but now worse, I have been tempted to find my peace in other things than Jesus. Old ways of drinking wine. I attended AA at one time. I don't think there is anything wrong with a glass of wine, but it is for me.

Since writing the article on Peace I have seen that I am also impatient. It is like satan is trying to throw me in the middle of confusion. I do have peace and have repented of my impatience, which I never had before. Maybe it is because I was stoic and then depressed. Now I am dealing with the real me.

I going to talk to my husband about this and have shared with my prayer chain.

I think God is using this to uncover deeper longings that He wants to meet for me.  I have been drowning myself in good stuff, readings by Spurgeon, videos and going to do bible study tonight. I have been trying to get in touch with friends to do something tonight since my husband has a diner he is going to. I do not think I need to be alone but maybe I do. Trusting God in the midst of temptation. Thanks for your prayers for me. You have carried me before and I know they will this time is why I am being so vulnerable.

Two friends just called me, Martha, who writes with me and another long time friend who is also in AA. I am longing for life, Martha said. We are impatient. We want life, life and satisfaction now. So I long for what I thought brought me life before, the false gospel. Only Jesus brings true life. The other brings death. But Jesus died that I might have life and have it abundantly. Do I trust it? Do I trust Him? We are not willing to wait on the true Life that Jesus is and brings. I am good now. The Holy Spirit sent these two friends to me to point me to the real life I long for Jesus. He is so faithful to meet our needs.

Thank you for praying for me that I persevere into the Life of Christ. I am praying for you and me now. That our Spirits are calmed and reassured of His faithful, undying love that died for me and you. It is time. It is time to move forward into Life, Himself. I am ready. I am righteous, even in my struggle. I am forgiven and delighted in. You and I are loved with an everlasting love. Lets go deeper into Life, Jesus. He promises to meet our needs and we may have to wait but He is worth the wait. Life means dying. I have to die to what I think I need. Jesus died that He might meet that need with Himself.

I posted this request a few days ago.  Many have prayed for me since then and I them.

You may wonder why I am so honest about my life, in such a high profile position in life, as with my husband.  There are many reasons but I want to tell you a few. One of the main reasons is I am tired...tired of pretending...pretending to be something I am not.  Tired of trying to live up to the expectations of the world, people, myself and even the church (as some might be)  I am tired of the lying that I can be and achieve only what God has preplanned for me.  I have discovered that the darkness cannot survive in the light.  I have come to see that others can be free to be honest with their struggles when we are.  I want opportunity to give God glory in my life.  I have found God loves to show Himself faithful in our weakness.  That He loves to meet me, us when we boast of our weakness for there He is glorified and our role is to depend on Him and not ourselves.  His strength is made perfect there.  But first we have to go to Him in our lying, our fake way of living, with our mask on and let Him disrobe us in order to cover us in His goodness, His love, His righteousness.  We have to learn what is not real in order to be able to believe what is truly real about us.  It is already so...we just don't believe it.  We don't live out of it.  We don't claim it.  Bathe in it.  Bask in it

I was a fake, too much of my life.  I won't go back.  I want to be real and show that Gods love and mighty power is real.  His promises are real and His love is real.  He is faithful to His children even when they are not.  I want to live in freedom and that is through being real about who I am and what God has done for me.

How can I be so real?  It is only by the grace of God of knowing how radically loved I am.  Also if I would put Christ on the cross with my sin and cause Him the pain and suffering and humiliation I did how can I not be honest about what He did for me, in dying for me, to give me wholeness, healing, compassion, mercy, forgiveness, grace and His love and so much more...relationship with Him, eternal life.  The list goes on and on...His righteousness is mine.  Whom shall I fear.  He is my strength.  He is the way, the truth and the life.

Although I am doing very well right now my plan is to go back to AA for awhile.  I don't know how long.  I love those people and I need them.  They are humble and broken and know that they need God.  I know Jesus, Father and Spirit are the answer.  That only in the Fathers love, the provision of the Son and the work of the Spirit in my life, do I have hope.

My hope is not to just not drink wine.  But not to run to other things for life.  To have and experience the abundant life Jesus promises.  It is where I am here and now.  In or out of my struggles He is the life.  It is in and through relationship with Him.  The Lord is enough...pretty much, what you see is what you get.  I am done and as my daughter use to is what it is.  God is enough.  Lord please give me the faith to live honest and out of what is already mine.

I have seen that it is not wrong to want to go deeper with Jesus.  It is not wrong to hunger and thirst for Him but we need to be content at the same time with where He has us and what He is doing and giving us right here and now.  He is enough.  I am content with even my lack of contentment at times because I know the way back home.  My place of rest, Jesus, the Father and Spirit.  Through the finished work of Christ for me so I don't have to strive to be something I am not any longer.  I am free to be me.  Me in Christ.

This was shared by Rick Thomas at Counseling Solutions...Admittedly, I don’t deserve to be a child of God and I don’t deserve to be free of sin’s guilt and power. I don’t deserve the staggering privilege of intimacy with God, nor any other blessing that Christ has purchased for me with His blood. 

I don’t even deserve to be useful to God. But by the grace of God I am what I am and I have what I have, and I hereby resolve not to let any portion of God’s grace prove vain in me! - The Gospel Primer