Saturday, June 23, 2012

Weep when we weep

Our first child was a stillborn baby boy. I remember coming home from the hospital and acting like nothing had ever happened. Like there had been no baby at all. I cook, moved, and continued with life. I don't remember even crying. I allowed no time to grieve or feel the pain of our loss. I thought I have got to be strong for the others. I have got to move on. I cannot let this get me down. Since then I have had this grief revisit me several times. That son would be forty now. I still miss and love him. I spent 9 mos with him inside of me and being the only one he knew. I will never get over it but God has comforted me with the comfort only He can give. I have had 4 other children I love dearly but they each are different. One cannot take another ones place. They each are special. I have been able to comfort others with their losses that Christ can heal you. The scars will remain. I thought of Gods loss His Son for me and the pain He suffered for me. I entered the pain of the love and loss. I let it knock me on my knees and leaned into Jesus. He weeps when we weep. Each of our losses are different but Jesus is the same. He is our comforter. He felt every pain we will ever feel at the cross. He understands when no one else maybe can. I don't want to forget or leave it behind. It is a part of who I am and I pray God will use it in His kingdom so I can comfort others.
     For years I blamed myself for the death of that child even thought the doctors said no.  I had to deal with that with God and accept His forgiveness.  Allowing Him to embrace me in my grief, guilt and sorrow.  A part of me that could have died that day when that child died instead helped me to know Gods love in a way I never would have apart from our loss.    This was my first great loss as a young woman.  I am grateful for the children I do have and the love of the Father who was there with me through all these years.  And remains today.