Philippians 3:8-11
New American Standard Bible (NASB)
8 More than that, I count all things to be loss [a]in view of the surpassing value of[b]knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, [c]for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and count them but rubbish so that I may gain Christ, 9 and may be found in Him, not havinga righteousness of my own derived from the Law, but that which is through faith in Christ, the righteousness which comes from God on the basis of faith, 10 that I may know Him and the power of His resurrection and [d]the fellowship of His sufferings, beingconformed to His death; 11 [e]in order that I may attain to the resurrection from the dead.
All I remember ever wanting in life was to be a good wife and mother. I wanted a family. My husband and I began dating in high school and we married the day after my 20th birthday. I was on my way to my dream come true. The only thing was my husband had his own dream. It was to be a head football coach. I didn't see the conflict at the time.
He became very successful while we were at a very young age. At 31 he won a National Championship at Clemson University. With this huge accomplishment came requirements and opportunities I had never dreamed of. As wonderful as this appeared from the outside it was not my plan for my life. We were in the public eye and my husband was consumed with work and me with our family. I was a very self reliant, strong, capable person who thought I could handle any situation that came my way. I was still looking for my husband and my children to meet my needs. I was miserable when this didn't happen. I searched everywhere for answers how to live. I read books, studied the bible, went to people for counsel and advise but I still was not content. Even though I had become a christian at a very young age I had this huge void within me that I was trying to fill. I kept thinking if things were different I would be happy. My goal then was to fix the people in my life and was not successful in trying to do so.
We moved to Arkansas and there my world began to fall apart. My husband and I were struggling, my children were struggling and my physical surgeries and problems seemed to go on an on. I had to realize my dream to become a perfect wife and mother did not happen. That I was a mess. I didn't know what to do so I turned inward. I isolated myself. I began to do crazy things like not eat or sleep for days. Get in my car and drive to another state in the middle of the night. I was depressed and began to see illusions and have delusions. I found myself locked behind doors of a mental hospital with people just like me. My struggle was huge for me and my family. How were we going to cope and handle this. It was life changing for us all.
We moved back to Clemson and I was in and out of the hospital. I began to live in a world all my own in my mind. I would have periods of sanity but they never lasted very long. My family and friends, and doctor and counselors worked to keep me well. This continued for 17 years.
Then there began to be a turning point. All those things of the bible I had heard for years, the Spirit began to put them in my heart. I ask myself what did it mean to die? To join in the suffering of Christ, to know Him and the power of His resurrection? This is what I wanted. I wanted to know God in a deeper, richer, fuller way. I was still on my search to find life. I was counseled by a man who talked to me about my desires and knowing the love of God for me. It was everywhere I turned, articles, my friends, mentor, sermons, "that God loved me beyond measure and I could trust Him with my life." "I could finally let go of my control, of my plan for my life, my desires." My world had gotten so small me trying to stay safe, comfortable, and in control. I had to face all my fears with the truth of who God is and who I am. I had to give up what I wanted for my life in order to find life. Instead of believing God wanted what I wanted I began to want what was happening in my life and see it was because it was God's perfect plan for me. I had to accept that God could change the people and circumstances in my life but He might not and I had to be ok with that. What had happened was I came to a point of saying Lord change me. I studied and experienced the Fathers love for me in sending His Son for my sins. That it was the Fathers plan to rescue me from me into this wonderful love relationship between the Father, Son and Spirit that He desired and would bring me into with them. I saw that to lose my life I would find it. I was to pick up my cross and follow Him. I began to see my true self. Who I was to God. That I was His child, loved, accepted, forgiven. That the Father loved me with the same love that He loved His Son. How could this be, I thought, that God loves me that much? I saw that the Spirit of the Father and Son actually lived in and through me. That nothing I did could make Him leave me or love me more or love me any less. Nothing could separate us ever. That I was no longer my own but was His. I began to flourish. I was loving people in new and different ways. I was no longer depressed but peaceful and joyful. I was enjoying the Father, Son and Spirit in ways I had never thought of. I used my imagination and the things I loved to do, to picture God doing them with me. I thought of being a little child learning to walk and I would take a step and fall into His arms. Learning to walk by faith was not easy, dying was not easy, but knowing His love for me kept me pressing into Him.
I had begun writing these devotionals of Gods faithfulness after writing 10 years of prayer letters. My life was changing. I was changing. There were times like Peter who walked on water til he looked down and then he began to sink and so would I. My past life was familiar and comfortable and I thought safe so I would return to it. The Spirit would gently pull me out into the, unknown to me, rhythm of grace, into places I could not control. I knew a new freedom, a new peace and joy, a new life, an abundant life. Jesus was my life. He meet the deep longings of my heart and soul. I would run away but He would rescue me over and over until He became my safe place. My place of existence, of continual communion, of true contentment not in my circumstances but in His love for me, my place of comfort. He was the love I had dreamed of and tried to find in all the wrong places. My love for others, my husband and my desire to serve God in loving the broken, the poor, the hurting was burning within me. This love I was receiving had to go somewhere. I could not contain it. It had to be given away to make room for the endless giving of love from God to me. God has given me a life I thought was only possible in heaven. It simply overwhelms me at times and all I can do is worship Him and stop what I am doing and just enjoy His presence, His embrace. I would give Him my heart and my life once again. I would repent of my control and my lack of faith. I would say with my heart and mouth Lord I want what you want for me. I want all you have for me in this life. He has more to give us than we are able to receive but He remains a fountain of living water, a stream that does not end, an ocean without any bottom. His love goes to us forever and so does our love and relationship with Him because of that. It is love so amazing that He had rather die than live without me, without you and He did.
No comments:
Post a Comment