Search my Heart O God

I am sorry I haven't written.  I am trying to figure things out.  Search God and my heart.  Hope to write soon.

Accept His Love

I have been feeling lonely, condemned and unloved lately.  Years ago I would have never admitted this.  But Jesus brings and brought life to me.  From truths like these.  Sorry I have not written.  I have thought everyday about you.  I have been writing short quotes on fb if you can go there.  If not I will write in a couple of days.  Praying for each now to accept His love.  Me too!


David Wilkerson Today

THURSDAY, JUNE 28, 2012

ACCEPT HIS LOVE
by David Wilkerson
[May 19, 1931 - April 27, 2011]

It does not matter what you do to try to clean yourself up. If you don't trust
Jesus to save you through His grace, all your righteousness is as filthy rags
in God's sight. Your flesh isn't accepted before God; it can't even be
reformed. All flesh was done away with at the cross and now a new Man has come
forth—the Christ-man—and true faith is having confidence in what He did for
you.

You may say, "I find it hard to believe that a troubled, failing Christian like
me could be precious to God. He has to be disgusted with me, because my life is
so up-and-down. I have problems I can't seem to get through. Oh, I believe He
still loves me but surely He is disappointed in me because I have failed Him so
often!"

Please understand: Isaiah's wonderful prophecy of grace (see Isaiah 43:1-5) was
spoken to a people who had been robbed, snared in holes and cast into
prison—all because of their own foolishness and unbelief. It was at such a
point that God said to them, "Now, after all your failures, I come to you with
this message of hope—and it is all because you are Mine."

I will never forget the pain I endured when one of my teenage children came to
me and confessed, "Dad, I've never once felt as if I have pleased you. I've
never felt worthy of your love. I feel like I've let you down my whole life.
You must be really disappointed in me."

Those words hurt. I embraced that tearful child, hurting deeply inside myself.
I cried as I told this child, "But you have always been special to me. You have
been the apple of my eye. When I'm on the road conducting crusades, I think of
you and my whole being lights up. Sure, you've done foolish, wrong things at
times but you were forgiven. You were truly sorry and I never once thought less
of you. You are nothing but a joy to me.”

So it is with many Christians in their relationship with the heavenly Father.
The devil has convinced them they have disappointed God and will never be able
to please Him. Consequently, they don't accept His love and they live as if His
wrath is always breathing down on them. What a horrible way to go through
life—and how pained God must be when He sees His children living that way.

Weep when we weep

Our first child was a stillborn baby boy. I remember coming home from the hospital and acting like nothing had ever happened. Like there had been no baby at all. I cook, moved, and continued with life. I don't remember even crying. I allowed no time to grieve or feel the pain of our loss. I thought I have got to be strong for the others. I have got to move on. I cannot let this get me down. Since then I have had this grief revisit me several times. That son would be forty now. I still miss and love him. I spent 9 mos with him inside of me and being the only one he knew. I will never get over it but God has comforted me with the comfort only He can give. I have had 4 other children I love dearly but they each are different. One cannot take another ones place. They each are special. I have been able to comfort others with their losses that Christ can heal you. The scars will remain. I thought of Gods loss His Son for me and the pain He suffered for me. I entered the pain of the love and loss. I let it knock me on my knees and leaned into Jesus. He weeps when we weep. Each of our losses are different but Jesus is the same. He is our comforter. He felt every pain we will ever feel at the cross. He understands when no one else maybe can. I don't want to forget or leave it behind. It is a part of who I am and I pray God will use it in His kingdom so I can comfort others.

     For years I blamed myself for the death of that child even thought the doctors said no.  I had to deal with that with God and accept His forgiveness.  Allowing Him to embrace me in my grief, guilt and sorrow.  A part of me that could have died that day when that child died instead helped me to know Gods love in a way I never would have apart from our loss.    This was my first great loss as a young woman.  I am grateful for the children I do have and the love of the Father who was there with me through all these years.  And remains today.

The New Testament Gamble

The New Testament Gamble ~ John Lynch

What if I tell My children there is nothing they can do to make Me love them more, and there is nothing they can do to make Me love them less?   

What if I tell them there is nothing they can do to be more righteous?  Nothing they can do to be less righteous?

What if I give them grace?  James 4:6

What if I tell them who they are?  l Peter 2:9-10

What if I take away any element of fear, condemnation or rejection?  Romans 8:15

What if I tell them I love them and will always love them?  Romans 8:38-39

What if I tell them I can't love them any more than I do now, and I love them no matter what they've done as much as I love My only Son?  Deuteronomy 7:6-8

What if I tell them there's nothing they can do to make My love go away?  Jeremiah 3l:3

What if I told them there are no lists?  Psalms l03:11-12

What if I told them they are righteous with My righteousness, right now?  Galatians 3:27

What if I told them they could stop beating themselves up?  Romans 5:1

What if I told them they could stop being so formal, stiff, and jumpy around Me?  Ephesians 2:13 

What if I told them I was absolutely crazy about them?  Zephaniah 3:17

What if I told them that even if they ran to the ends of the earth and did the most unthinkable, horrible things and killed ME, even if they were unfaithful in their marriage, that when they come back to Me, I'd receive them with tears and a party?   Psalms 139:7-10; Luke 15:11-12

What if I told them that I don't keep a log of past offenses of how little they pray or of how often they let Me down or have made promises they don't keep?  Isaiah 44:22 and 1 Corinthians. 13:5

What if I told them they don't have to be owned by men's religious traditions?  Colossians 2:20-23

What if I told them that I'm their Savior and that they're going to heaven no matter what, it's a done deal?   Ephesians l:9-12

What if I told them they have a new nature and are saints--not saints who should buck up and be better because of all that God's done for you?  2 Corinthians. 5:17

What if I told them I actually live in them now?  That I put My love, power and nature at their disposal?  Ephesians l:13

What if I told them that they didn't have to put on a mask? Psalms 32:5

What if I told them that it was really OK to be exactly who they are at this moment with all of their junk and not have to pretend about how close we are, or how much they pray or don't?  Or how much Bible they read or don't?  Matthew 23:14&37

What if they didn't have to look over their shoulder for fear that if things got too good the other shoe was about to drop?  Romans 8:31

What if they knew I will never, ever, ever use the word "punish" in relation to them?   

Romans 8:l

What if they knew that when they mess up I never get back at them?  Isaiah 43:25

What if they were convinced that bad circumstances and sufferings are not My way of evening the score for taking advantage of Me?  Jeremiah 32:41

What if they knew the basis of our friendship was not on how little they sin, but on how much they let Me love them?  Isaiah 30:18

What if they had permission to stop trying to impress Me in any way?  Titus 3:5

What if I told them they could hurt My heart but I'd never hurt theirs?  Hosea 3:1

What if I told them that there was no secret agenda--that there was no trap door?  Jeremiah 29:11

What if I told them it wasn't about their self-effort but about allowing Me to live My life through them? Galatians 5:4; Romans 8:2 

Hebrews ll:6:  "And without faith it is impossible to please God."

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Working with the Spirit

Having some time to think, I feel I need to devote some time this summer to what I think God is doing in my life.  I really hate complaining but for you to understand nearly every day of my life is hard unless I just stay in my comfort zone here at home by myself.  Isolation is not good.  Fears that are not face just multiply and grow.  I am making a conscience decision to cooperate with the Spirit and work hard and deliberate on some things that just hold me back.

I have started a volunteer job at behavior health.  They have ask me to work some like 5 days in a row all day.  This is really a stretch for me.  I usually go in for the afternoons for two days a week.

Also I have put off working on a devotional book.  I don't know that it will be used for anything but my family but I feel I must at least try.

I need routine in my life.  It seems so funny speaking of these things that seem so hard for me when I use to do it with such ease before I was diagnosed with the mental disorder.  In a real sense it is like I know myself better that I have ever known.  I am more real with who I really am.  I don't need other people to tell me to put on a smile and keep everything good and positive.  That is great but sometimes it is just not true.  Life is a struggle for the ones with mental disorders and so many others with handicaps whether physical or mental.  For us and others life is a challenge.  I do not want to give in to to it but see how God can use it in an amazing way.

For instance this weekend I made myself with the help of God, go to a family reunion.  Usually it is easier for me to deal with one on one rather than a group.  It was a long drive some with family and some by myself.  But I was going to do this one way or another.  I spent Sat night with my cousins and had some great time visiting with my cousin who has also been diagnosed with mental disorder.  It was as if we could see into each others heart, lives and fears.  It was awesome.  God has used my mental disorder to relate to a cousin I had never visited with before in a way that was so intimate that it reminded me of Jesus.  I thought this is how Jesus sees into my heart.

I don't know how much I am going to write this summer.  I love writing but the pressure of everyday I need a break from.  I want to spend some time reading, studying Gods word, meditating and just seeking His face.  This maybe harder for me than I realize.

Would you check back here from time to time as we come to heart and mind.  I am praying for you and your journey with Christ.  It is an unbelievable experience that no one can understand.  They have to experience it.  It is so much more than a positive attitude.  It is being touched by the Love of God and the grace that He gives.  Sometimes it is a struggle and sometimes it is sliding down a huge slide into the arms of your Father.  Being tossed in the air with the strong grip that keeps you safe.

Nite dear friend.  God knows your heart.  Don't be afraid to be real with Him.  There is nothing like the experience of being your real self and knowing you are loved and cherished beyond measure.

A Fathers Love

todays devotional, www.whispersofgod.org

Fallen Courage

Do you ever feel like your courage and faith has fallen? Look at Matt:14:22-33. It is between 3 and 6 A.M. Jesus comes walking on water toward the disciples in a boat. They were terrified. "It's a ghost". He says,"courage! It is I! Do not be afraid".
Peter calls out, "Lord if it is you, tell me to come to you across the water." Then as Peter starts to walk across the water his faith quickly deteriorates into terror. Peter was the rock on which Jesus built the church but he sank like a stone. Says Brennan Manning.
Paul says he boast in nothing but Jesus. We all sink at one time or another.

What am I thinking...

what is on my mind hmmm. I saw a 4 ft black snake on my steps yesterday. The most beautiful rainbow I have ever seen. Pain for someone I love. Joy for another. Laughing at my husband riding around all day in this big equipment. Makes me think of big boys and their toys. Missing my family awful. Praising God all day long. Have never felt better and so thankful. Love my volunteer job and the people there. I am just glad to be alive but can't wait to see Him face to face.

Clothed in His Righteousness

Lately I have been thinking about how we react when someone is caught in sin.   I remember the story about the prostitute that was thrown in the middle of town.  Everyone picked up their rocks and yelled stone her, stone her.  Jesus stepped up and said ye who are without sin throw the first stone.  Everyone dropped their rocks.  Jesus went up to the woman and said go and sin no more.

We are told to restore someone gently. So many times gossip and harsh treatment is given to the person who is in sin.  They are rejected without being talked to or prayed for.   We also are told to go to the person and confront them and if they don't respond.  Take someone with you and try to lead them to repentance.  If still they don't respond the church is to confront the issue.  I have been in a church where this happened.   The person was unwilling to work on the sin and had a very rebellious heart.   It was done in a very respectful and godly manner. The church has to ask him to come and ask for forgiveness.   It was for the hope of bringing repentance in the persons heart and the purity of the church.  I have seen it done when someone were totally broken and confessed and restored and forgiven.  It was a beautiful work of the Spirit in their heart.

We hope that we have an on going repentance  where the love of God so penetrates our hearts it is kept in tune with the Spirit.  We have the Spirit who is to convict us of sin.  Sometimes we can become where we don't respond to the gentle nudging and we need help from the body.

That is why it is important to be involved and honest in a small group of people.  They love you enough to remind you of the love of the Father.  The gospel is a part of your relationships so the power of God is what enables you to keep in step with the Spirit.

A pastor once said in a study that we were suppose to lead our families and church into repentance and faith.  There have been great revivals around the world when people see their sin at a deeper level and the power of the cross and love of God in a new and fresh way.  Sin is not to be our focus.  Jesus helps us work on our sin with us.  It is a rebellious heart when we need question are we willing to even struggle with this sin.

I say this to say our sin is not suppose to be our focus.  We don't need to be introverted and spend our time looking for sin.  As I said the Spirit will bring our attention to us.  I was told for every one look at your sin look at the cross ten times.  No sin is more powerful that the cross.  Repentance brings fresh joy and power and love because of the cross.  The power of the cross is released in us through repentance.

Resting and remaining in the Love of God, Jesus and Spirit is where our hearts should reside.  We are not our sin.  We are children of the King who is loved, adored and given the righteousness of Christ.  We should not worry about our own righteousness.  We are clothed in the righteousness of Christ, forgiven, redeemed and restored.  This is a righteousness that God sees when He looks at us right now.  He throws our sin as far as the east is from the west.  He does not see our sin when He looks at us.  He sees His Sons perfection.

Beautiful Imperfection

Featured Journal Devotion

Beautiful Imperfection                            "For now we see things in a glass, darkly; but then face to face:  now my knowledge is in part; then it will be complete,  even as God's knowledge of me."   (1 Corinthians 13:12,  BBE) My husband enrolled me in night classes for working with stained glass, thinking it would be a good fit for my creative bents.  I enjoyed the learning process.  Visited the teacher's shop at one point.  Shelves and tables stacked high, and boxes underneath overfilled with dusty, broken pieces of glass.  Some were milky with droozles of bright blues or reds or greens like a mad artist had flung his brush.  Others were solids with no special charm.  Some looked dark and foreboding.  But the artist knew to hold each piece up to the light.  That's where its beauty would suddenly become evident.  Even ambers and browns came to life with glints of gold.  Those with bubbles or ripples or scarring that had occurred during firing had special character and uniqueness.  And in the artist's hands, each piece would be expertly fitted for its perfect place in a destined design.   If my cousin had been a shard of glass in one of those boxes, she might have gone unnoticed by a shop visitor.  In her elementary years, she began walking in a gangly fashion, losing muscle coordination.  By the time she graduated high school, two men had to walk with her, helping her get to the stage to give her Valedictorian address.  Along with the advancement of her disease came wheel chairs, adult high chairs, therapies, surgeries, and eventually life support.   It would have been easy for my cousin to become a slave of self pity, become bitter against God, and jealous of others' lives.  But she loved Jesus, and His love was in her.  She loved to learn.  She loved people.  Willing to talk even if she was asked to repeat several times. Making jokes about her disabilities.  You couldn't help but enjoy being around her. Once in a Wal-Mart store, a man came over to ask:  "Do you realize what it does to people to see you in your wheel chair, smiling and laughing?"  She was just recovering from surgery to reverse the muscles in her tightly drawn feet.  There was even hope that she might gain strength to stand or walk.  She said after the man walked away, she prayed, "Lord, if you will get more glory from me in a wheel chair, I don't want to walk."   Maybe you feel like a broken piece of glass in an overfilled box.  Darkened.  Imperfect.  Unnoticeable.  Unusable.  Scarred from the fire of life's trials.  Destiny lost.  Won't you take another look?  Hold your life up to the Person Who is the Light of the World.  If you could read God's lips, they would be saying, "Beautiful!"   The imperfection(s) that trouble you are where God has expertly etched character and uniqueness.  He is the One who is shaping you.  Trust Him.  Believe that in His design you have great purpose.  Cooperate with His hands on your life.  Let Him ready you for that perfect place in His masterpiece of Eternity. Father, give us grace to submit to Your shaping.  When Satan tells us our lives are coming up zero, help us to see Your "L" in front of that zero, and Your "V" and "E" after it.  Because in the light of Your good love for us, we have great destiny. Join Our Mailing List Email:

Song of Solomon

Song of Solomon 1:1-3

New American Standard Bible (NASB)

The Young Shulammite Bride and Jerusalem’s Daughters

1 The ^[a]Song of Songs, which is Solomon’s.

² “^[b]May he kiss me with the kisses of his mouth!

For your love is better than wine.

³ “Your oils have a pleasing fragrance,

Your name is like ^[c]purified oil;

Therefore the ^[d] maidens love you.

One of the most beautiful love stories ever written Song of Solomon.  It is said that it is between Jesus and His bride, the church.  It has deep meaning that we may not understand til heaven.  It is the love story we can understand to relate to one we will know fully in eternity.  Very symbolic as I might suggest.

Walk of Faith

Desperate Delight

We see, acknowledge and confess our sin but there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. It is the love of God that brings about repentance. That is how God brings about change in us. We cannot bring true heart change on our own. We need the Spirit. Seeing your sin is just acknowledging what all Christ did for you on the cross. Forgiveness brings tremendous joy!
It is a walk of faith. left foot repentance, right foot faith. For every one look at your sin take 10 looks at the Cross of Christ.

Good Gifts

Matthew 7:11
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father who is in heaven give what is good to those who ask Him!

Luke 11:13
If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?”

Even the hard things in our life are used as a good gift from the Father. This is not a name it and claim it but it is a promise to trust that all things that happen to you are sifted through His fingers of love.

The most wonderful gift is the Holy Spirit. He is the Spirit of God. He teaches, corrects, imparts wisdom and the love of God. His gentle nudge will guide your way. His whisper will tell you the things of God and give you the power to live and love. Learn to listen to His voice.

Lean into Christ.  His Spirit will show you a way where there seems to be no way.

Tongue Assignment

I went to bible study tonight. We were given a tongue assignment for the next week. Try not to criticize, complain, defend, blame shift, gossip, boast, deceive others. Instead compliment, affirm, bless, witness, express graditude and praise, apologize quickly, speak directly and honestly to people.. Want to try with me for a week and we can see how much we are loving others and how much we also need Jesus.

All I could do was worship

Sometimes I smile on the outside and cry on the inside and I am not sure why.  Love these sunsets.  When I took the pictures all I could do was worship.

Beautiful Day in the Mountains with our Lord

back yard beauty

Loneliness, Ramped Disease

I think one of the fastest growing disease is loneliness.  We were made for relationships.  Our biggest enemy is business.  We put up barriers of all kinds to protect ourselves.  We get our drug of choice, our quick fix from our jobs, hobbies, success, ministry, families.  We try to have relationships with things other than people.  It just doesn't work.

When my children were small I didn't know how to meet their emotional needs.  All I knew was to get them where they needed to be.  Feed them.  Dress them and see to it other physical needs were meet.  They have all had to learn about relationships since they have gotten older.  God has been gracious and has redeemed the mistake I made in their early childhood years.

We avoid relationships by small talk.  How are you?  Fine, how are you?  When all along you or they are suffering on the inside.  We have an easier time sharing our joys but that still is too personal.

We do the same thing with working for the kingdom.  We get so busy doing for God we forget to be with Him.  How much of what you do during your day really matters?  Are you more concerned about doing that being.  We are told to Be Still and Know that He is God.  You must first be to do.  You can do without being but you cannot be without doing.  Being is relationship.

We don't know how to give of ourselves, let people into our lives and be vulnerable.  How to think more of the other person than we do of ourselves.  Even our good deeds have selfish motives.  We don't want to get messy, risky, involved or hurt.  We don't think the pain is worth the gain.  The truth is many of us have not tasted meaningful, rich, lasting relationships.

What we need is a meaningful relationship with God where we learn to be open and honest.  Learn to share our heart.  Listen to His heart.  The more our relationship grows with our Father, Savior and Spirit the more we understand what it means to let others into our lives.

 We learn to quit the fake smile.  We realize our enemy is loneliness.  We must fight to keep it from taking over.  Why do you think Facebook and blogs are so popular. Chat groups and e-mail.  People can have relationship but still keep others at a distance.  A safe distance.  It is more comfortable not to be face to face.  There is less chance of being rejected.

We need community.  We need the body of Christ.  It is not good that man should be alone.  We were created to intertwine.  Three is better than one.  In discipleship, brothers and sisters in Christ.  We love imperfectly now but we must step out of our protective shells and know love is worth the risk.