I believe

When I was a little girl, we lived by a lake made swimming pool.  In the middle of it was a high dive.  I wanted to go off that high dive so bad but was scare to go.  My dad said he would stay at the bottom and be there when I jumped off.  I climbed the stairs to the top of the platform.  Walked out on the diving board and looked for my dad.  I jumped way out.  I wanted to be really close to him when I landed.  It is a wonder I didn't jump on top of him.  Sure enough, when I came up, my dad had moved right where I had landed and was right there to get me.  I think of that child like faith I had that day.  Trusting my dad to be there for me.

For the last few months I have struggled with tremors, shaking and couldn't sit still.  Even my mouth kept moving back and forth.  Sick at my stomach.  Especially in the morning.  This really wasn't an issue to me though.  It was the seemly anxiety attacks that were on going.  When I would share this people would encourage me in my faith.  I kept thinking if I would just trust Christ more.  If I would let go of my circumstances this shaking would stop.  I didn't know of anything particular I was afraid of at the time.  But circumstances were difficult for me.  So I thought Lord I believe, help my unbelief.

I thought of Peter.  Who walked with the Lord for three years.  He told the Lord he would die for Him. The Lord told Peter you will deny me three times Peter.  Peter did go on to deny Christ three times cursing and saying he had never known Jesus.  When they were looking for Jesus to crucify Him.  Peter repented and Christ went on to build the church with Peter.

As it turned out I was having an allergic reaction to some medication. I surrender my heart and my life daily to the Lord. I tell Him every morning I want what you want.  I want to do what you would have me do.  But I know, like Peter, my faith may fail me at any time. Sometimes my pride keeps me from trusting God.  I want to be God and do it on my own.  I am learning though through suffering to trust Him more.   God is gracious in giving me faith.  But still if my eyes get on me I am either puffed up and proud because I think I have faith.  Or I am defeated because I think I have none.  My eyes must be kept on Jesus.  That He lives in me and me in Him and His faith never ever will fail me.  He is even faithful to the faithless because to deny me would be for Him to deny Himself.  I am His child.  He will never turn His back on me.  He will never leave me or let me go.  Nothing can separate me from His love.  I am forever His.

I believe it is not how much faith you have but who you have faith in.  We are told if we have the faith of a mustard seed we can move mountains.  We also are told we can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.  I must keep my eyes on Jesus and His faithfulness.  That is when I have faith.