While Waiting

In the Waiting

"Bear each others' burdens and so fulfill the Law of Christ."
(Galatians 6:2)

If there were a good way out of it, I probably wouldn't write this devotional. Since there isn't, I want to know what is it that God will give me to say to you and to me. The reason I write, always, is to tell of God's faithfulness. I usually try to give a personal illustration, a need or question, and then how God has proven Himself faithful. Follow with me now and let's see if together we can do this.

My personal illustration: I am hurting, confused and desperate. My child is in a horrible situation and in much pain. My world seems upside down. I am stopping, by God's mercy, a smoking habit that I have had for 45 years--trying to figure out how to live my life although I am 63 years old. I thought I had some spiritual maturity, but right now I seem like such a little child in my faith. It doesn't even seem to matter. I have no Christian answers.

My need: Apart from Christ I see no way out of any of this. I am desperate. I need a Savior. My life and my heart is a big mess. Is my maturity based on my faith, or the need I see I have? I have seen my depravity many times before, but I always had a redemptive story, the gospel at the end. I am trying to be positive here, but for the life of me I can't see that redemptive story this time. I could just write some things that would be the gospel, but I don't think that is what God wants me to do.

There is a very well-known pastor who tweeted today that he had lost 20 pounds. He usually gives the gospel. But today he said, "I really lost 20 pounds." I thought, Are you kidding me? Are you boasting in the gospel or what? Who really cares.? I am cynical, I guess.

Life is incredible. God is so big. I feel so very small and insignificant. Like a grain of sand on the seashore. But if that is so, how can my life feel like such a huge mess? It is so out of my hands. All I can do trust God. But right now, I am not trusting. I feel sad, lost, and stunned--like a deer in headlights.

Someone told me that God is building character in me. I don't know what that means, but I hope it is so. One thing I have learned, there is not always a happy ending to the story. God is going to have to write it, and then see to it that it happens.

Would you pray for me and my family? Would you have faith for us? I am so weak. I have no self sufficiency left. I think I have hit bottom. I am broken--surrendered for about the 20th time. I feel like Little Red Riding Hood who has lost her way and is confronted by the big, bad wolf. Except I am not even scared.

I am just waiting to see what God is going to do with this mess. The funny thing is I know He still loves me. I just can't fix this, this time. My trying to fix never works anyway.
~ deborah ford