Prince of Peace

My son trains horses.  He just bought and put up a horse walker.  I didn't know what that was so I will tell you in case you don't either.  It looks like the underside of an umbrella and the horse are put to the rods and it turns around and around.  Of course they never get anywhere and they are not intended to.  It is to exercise the horses.

I have been struggling with the addiction of smoking for over 40 years.  I have done everything there is to try to quit like holding a rotten lung to chantix and acupuncture.  My point is I have gone round and round like the Israelites in the desert trying to find some magical scheme to help me quit smoking.  I have quit several times only to start back.  I hate smoking but wow did I enjoy it.  I loved relaxing and visiting with friends while puffing up a storm.  I knew it wasn't good for me but that didn't help me quit.

Sunday morning I wrote a group of friends on a forum and told them my dilemma.  I was desperate.  My counselor  suggested I get support from this community and read some of his articles.  I hopelessly did.  As I read the articles they began to talk of the condition of my heart.  This was not new news to me but had not affected me.  I began to see my heart in a small knot filled full of idols like self reliance, unbelief, self righteousness.  All kind of things I trusted in like my marriage, children, perfectionism, safety, control.  The list went on and on.  I was writing and I wrote I cannot get rid of all these sins.  I began to cry. I was smoking, crying and writing.  I know people on the forum were praying for me. I was so embarrassed.  I felt they could all see me as I really was and I was ashamed.  This was my preconceived ideas.  They loved me unconditionally.   I could not help myself.  I was so fearful and hurting.   The Lord said to me, "I love you".  He loved me just as the big mess that I am.  I couldn't get myself right.  He wanted me to let Him into the center of my heart where all these idols were.  I still was crying and said I can't let you into the center of who I am, without any walls, you will hurt me again.  I said but please don't leave me.  Don't let me go.  I cannot let you in but I need you to not leave me.

The next thing I knew I could sense Christ at the center of my heart.  Where all this stuff was.  It was like His Spirit became one with me.  I looked over at the 3 packs of cigarettes and thought I can't throw them away.  Church was about to start.  I threw some clothes on.  I knew I had to go worship even though I felt so weak.  I went to church and worshiped for 2 hrs.  When I came home all I wanted to do was curl up in the arms of My Father and Savior by the Spirit.  This has gone on for four days now.  The cigarettes are still on my porch.  I have no desire for them.  It is like I am free from the addiction.  I feel an inner power but no strength of my own.

I am gaining strength yesterday afternoon and today.  I have just laid around and done very little.  I don't know when I have cried as much as I did on Sunday morning.  I just prayed wash me Lord.  Wash me clean.  I feel like my will is broken.  Like His will is my will.  I feel an inner peace.  I went to my grandsons last night for dinner with him.  We laughed and laughed.  It was like I was free from the bondage that had oppressed me for 40 years, the addiction, the things, shame, guilt that kept me captive.  I had tried to free myself for years and had made some outward progress but I just moved the walls tighter around me, my heart.  I said Lord will my tears melt these walls down.  Will your love.  I could feel the walls were gone and the Spirit of the Father and Son filled my soul, my being.

I am not sure what I have been going through but I think I have been moving from my own strength being melted away to moving to leaning on the strength of Christ.  I had tried to experience something similar last week but I was not in the place I needed to be of complete desperation.  I share this story for hope and encouragement that we never get too far from God.  He is totally committed to us.  He fought some kinda of battle to rescue me from myself and my will.  I feel the peace like the rivers flow into the oceans.  It is the peace that passes all understanding of man or woman.  It is Him, the Prince of Peace indwelling us.