All of grace

Sometimes I write just to hear myself think. This is one of those times so if you don't want to read that is fine. I am going to pretend you are and that the Lord hears my heart.
We have had a ruff 4 years here. I tried to say I had faith and trusted God in the situation and I am sure there was some of that. But my tendency is to try to be strong for everyone, You know instead of being weak and finding my strength in the Lord. Well to do this I put my head in the sand. Or you could say I go into denial about my situation. These are old habits that I thought were gone.
Just recently as there is some type of end to a phase of the situation I started coming out of denial. I started seeing what had happened. What we had been through, those I love. Then about 2 days ago I begin to just cry at times with no warning. Then I would get angry and hateful at even those I cared about. I guess I was truly angry at God.
During this time the Spirit has been revealing things that need change in me. That I am not as spiritual as I think I am. And old truths in a deeper way. It was things about my relationship with God, Father, Son and Spirit. I have been reading like crazy. Listening to talks, and sermons. Asking some their opinion and experience in communing with God through the Spirit.
I have been on a roller coaster, from denial, crying, being angry, understanding deeper the things of God and His love for me. And last but not least my need for forgiveness from others but much love from others and the God of my heart and my life. You see it is not me that is trustworthy. It is not me that is Spiritual. It is me that needs a Savior and a Father to love me and the Holy Spirit to teach, empower, and so much more. What I am seeing is there is a desire in us to have unbroken intimacy with God. God desires for us to not only receive His love but to rest in it. And to love Him in return. To keep close to our heart the truth of the gospel. It is all of grace.