A simple, contemplative life

I am where I am for the furtherance of the Gospel

and the purpose of Gods kingdom

Hard times are but a feather in the palm of His hand.

It is used to turn my cheek toward my Savior and Redeemer

It has been my opinion that during this difficult time, my life was wasted.  Sleeping a lot, painful body, confusion in reading and studying, not driving, bouts of depression and then abundant laughter. Gaining and loosing weight and all that goes with it have made up this last year.  Grasping for encouragement and hope that there was meaning in my dark days seemed empty apart from my contemplation and meditation on who He is and who I am.

The truth is this has been a wonderful time for me as far as my growth and knowledge of Christ.  It has been a new phase of what my life is to look like.  I have learned to keep care of my soul and heart.  To take care and find the place of the redeemers heart close to mine.

I have focused on Jesus but it has not been without a struggle because of the distractions of the noise of my struggling physical demanding my mind.   His care for me never failed.

 The breath prayer have mercy on me a sinner, Oh God, goes with me.  Praying for grace to make it and praise for the power of the Spirit with me always was without ceasing many times during the day.

"The hope of my heart"

But let it be the inward adorning and beauty of the hidden person of the heart, with the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which [is not anxious or wrought up, but] is very precious in the sight of God.

My day begins with journaling my heart out to my Lord.  Reading Spurgeon.  Having a contemplative, meditation time spent focusing on the Lord and His goodness.  Waiting for Him to show me anything that is hindering my peace with Him and the world, others. The Spirit brings to mind a section of the bible or a verse.  I study it, pray over it and just exist and experience it as it becomes a part of me.

 Jesus is calling me to a simple, quiet life where my heart is at rest.  I have had my heart before Jesus and the Spirit and soaked in the love of the Father.  Love and peace and tranquility surrounds my time with God.  He has kept my heart in His hands and near His heart with a gentle passion of jealous, care and given me the assurance of a deeper transforming work in me.

Being more honest and transparent.  Releasing my preoccupations, cares and sins to my good Shepherd frees me to be filled with all He has for me.  I am careful to share my thoughts with a close knit group.  God gives us community and spiritual family, the body of Christ,  to help us stay within His will.  They need wisdom, compassion, faith and someone you can trust with your heart.

The works of the Lord, in a heart continually yielded to Him, is a heart of contentment and a growing even more aware of the stirrings within me.  There is no loneliness that He cannot fill.  No longing that He does not render complete.  No need He cannot meet.  No will He cannot yield to His.  He is the master of the quiet and simple life of a desired life to HIs ways.  He will comfort, shield and rescue the wondering heart to His.

You must have ownership of your heart in order to surrender it to Him.  The ways of the world is continually trying to occupy our mind, heart and will.  The first fruit love,  He brings forth is to be given to Him.  Our purpose turns from trying to gain the approval and impress man by filling our need for importance as a good christian by looking unconsciously for the praise of man.  It must die as a grain of wheat falls to the ground.  God is faithful to continue to prune all that steals our heart away from the first fruit being brought forth and given to Him.

 He is but a breath away and a constant affection of His.  Never to be disappointed in you or you Him. He sings and delights Himself in me and my presence with Him.  Just enjoying Him and who He is.  Recognizing His favor in me.   All hope and love is never short when leaning on the heart, will and care of your Lord.

Peace comes as you humble yourself and yield your heart to the story of the God of all.  As like John you lay your head upon His breast.  A kindness is desired and longed for. A craving for the righteousness of Jesus to be lived out fills me.   The well being of others is above my own.  You seek wholeness and healing.  You are aware of your hearts tendencies and praying with a breath for your heart and others.  Seeing that goodness is about God always no matter how life falls.  His jealousy to be known and enjoyed and praised won't let us go.  Having His favor is most important. His beauty consumes you, sustains you and satisfies you as you look to the cross.  Knowing He also looks to the cross. Once it has overtaken you and His beauty is before you then He is the greatest and most wonderful part of your life.  He is your life.  It is a simple life.  Smiling on tomorrow.  For you know He holds the future.  You do not question His power as He turns your heart and cares with the touch of His will.

You no longer trust your judgement but long for His heart and will by HIs Spirit to reign in your life.  You see goodness in the most difficult of days and things.  Your purpose is for His kingdom and this is all worked out by Him and in His time.  You have a confidence that He is master and nothing or no one can stop His plan to come to be and pass.  It brings an excitement and it takes your breath away as you see it unfold before you as you are laid out before Him in desiring to be used by Him.  You see His way is the desire that He brings to you.  Trusting unfolds.  Fulfillment is obtained.  A new creation is being created as the song of redemption is being sung in your  innermost being.

Life is lived in the fullest when it is spent in the presence of my Lord.

Love and humility and Gods will is His gift that only He can bring.

He designs the miracle of changing my heart to a fountain, an ocean of grace,  Him living through me.

This time has quieten my heart and soul and lay me down at the feet of my Lord in amazement in the shadow of His glory and love for me.  It has settled me beneath the Almighty in His whisper, whatever it maybe.

A new creation, redemption, and loving others.  A humble confidence and boldness that is assured of God, who He is and what His Spirit and word stands for and means.  People and their approval do not determine their future or who they are.  Gentleness amidst bravery.  Not afraid to stand for the truth with compassion nor against the majority if necessary.  It may mean standing alone or getting lost in a crowd.  Whose heart is full of praise and enjoyment in Him, newly found way of the Masters' piece.  He fully enjoys bringing it about.  To do the impossible is His joy!

Life during this time was a struggle to persevere and keep hope.  As my body hurt I couldn't help but wonder if there was an option to be had.  I poured my heart out to God over and over begging Him to rescue me.  To renew my heart and don't please leave me to myself and He always did keep His promise.

I was finding myself looking and thinking about me more and more.  I grieved over my selfishness that the suffering seemed to bring.  I felt worthless many times and could not see any end to the path that I was on.  I seemed to be looking into a broken mirror many times and seeing fractured me.  I knew I was not to feel these things and all it did was pile on the guilt and frustration that kept my eyes to my failure.

It is not that my struggles are not still present...  I see life and people still as broken pieces needing the healer.  But through the Master's eyes, love, faithfulness and goodness and the rest of life... through a beautiful stained glass, created by the designer Himself.  Put together with the torn hands and poured out blood for me that says it is His perseverance.  He is the hope.  It is His love and His surrender.  His faithfulness and goodness.  His plan and His Spirit and power will see me through.  So I have the confidence that He has a plan to prosper me and glorify Himself through me.   I cannot be lost anywhere along the way.  His rescue is upon my lips of praise.  What a Savior!

Enjoy the gift...Worship the Giver

It seems to me the world is searching for their identity.  I read the number one problem in the life of the Christian is they do not know who they are.  I also have read repeatedly that the main problem in the life of the mental ill is they do not feel they have any value.

Daily on social media people brag or boast about who they are, what they have, what they have done.  All looking for significance, worth and value from their new born baby, marriage, most beautiful, new job, home, and on and on we cling to any and everything to feel good about ourselves.

I remember finding value in that I was the wife of a winning coach or beautiful and intelligent and talented children.  My family was my identity.  How many of us brag on our awards, our promotions, or the next book written.



I once heard it said the alcoholic knows he is an alcoholic when you take his drink away.  We will know if we struggle with our identity when it is taken away.


We are told that we have value and worth because of the blood of Jesus.  That we are new creations in Christ.  No one is justified by the works of the law but because of faith in  Christ and what He has done for us.  His love for us is what should make our hearts sing and dance with joy.  It is the only thing that cannot be taken away.  Gods love for us.


I beg you to not cling to your successes or your failures.  Your sins are remembered no more.  When the Father looks at you He sees the lasting, beautiful, holiness and righteousness of Christ.  You please the Father by trusting in His Son.  It is that faith in Jesus that pleases Him.  It is there you will find peace of mind and value and worth.  It is there you see your purpose is to glorify Jesus in a life of trusting in Him alone.

It is not I who live but Christ who lives in me.  I boast in Christ and Him crucified.

Learning to glorify God through His gifts and enjoy Him... not find my identity in them or our accomplishments or lack of importance in our defeat has been the difference in peace and joy.  I love  my family but they do not determine my worth.  They are much more valuable that anything they could possibly do.  They are mine.  I love them and think they are wonderful no matter what.


My husband was a national championship coach and today he is a cattle farmer.  I love him more each and everyday. I am in awe of his accomplishments but more amazed in the wonderful person he is to  me by how much more there is to this man that I never knew.   My children become more beautiful in themselves and their gifts.  They are my best friends.  I adore them and am so very blessed.  They have taught me what real love is and who Jesus is more each and every day.


I may struggle but I enjoy my life and my friends and family more than I ever thought possible.  I know who I am and who they are.  Seeing the beauty and wonder of God in who we are is so much greater than holding on to what we do or have to feel important about ourselves.  It is the most unstable thing we can do.

When we start to live out of who we are instead of what we do or have life is so much more depth than we can ever imagine.  God brings surprises and joy and miracles we never imagined. Gods love and acceptance and security gives you a boldness to see others and life in ways you have never seen before.  It is the world through Jesus.  It is spectacular in every breath of His creation.  We can never find identity apart from our creator with the lasting joy and peace and assurance found in Him.  It is a gift unfolded.


When it is no longer about you or for you, it is in His power and for His glory.  It is a life full of love for others in a way you thought you never could.  Your selfishness begins to fade and Jesus life begins to be lived through you.  It is Him others see and what wonders He does as you find your identity in Him.

You might say I am learning to see the world and others through the eyes of Christ.  It spreads a sparkling rest.

The saying at our house has always been love you will or lose, I cannot love you more.  Be sure and enjoy God no matter what you do.

His Perfect Time

He never ran out of answers or patience in my questions or thoughts or doubts.  I Never grew tired of just being with Him and being loved by Him.  I grew stronger but weakness is where my strength would grow.  It was in not being able to live the good life turned me to the one who delighted to give the good life to me.

Living the life of love was impossible until I saw my need for the one who would give the love to me.

Living  a good life alone.


I became a christian at a very young age and was a good girl people would say.  I knew the rules.  I obeyed my parents.  I was good in school and everyone liked me and I liked them.

Life continued until I was married.  Had children and I tried to keep up the good life.  It never occurred to me I was trying to live life apart from God.  All on my own.

Time hit me when I became sick mentally that I was insecure about all my decisions.  I ask God about everything.  Big and small.  I ask Him for strength.  Direction.  Change of heart.  I became aware I could do nothing on my own.

I had raised my children and been the best wife I could all alone.  I didn't know what it was to repent of my sin and ask for love and the power to do Gods will.  I thought HIs will was my will.  I had not idea that His plans were not as I had envisioned.

Now my prayers are more not my will but your will Lord.  God can give a heart of love when there is no love at all.  He is the power and strength to give the heart of a loving Father.

The other day I had a disagreement with a friend.  I was surprised at the condition of my heart.  I was shocked.  My prayer immediately changed to give me a loving heart.  A heart of Jesus.  God is in the heart changing business.  Living our life apart from Him is impossible.  We can do nothing apart from Him.

Only God does what we cannot do.  He chances hearts to be like His.  To love and surrender and obey when we can't.  He is the change maker.  He reconciles and redeems in ways we cannot possibly do.


It is a partnership.  A relationship.  A love of God.  His surrender and His strength and His grace to make it day by day.  It is HIs wisdom and His direction.  His peace and joy that gives us a contented life when we trust Him throughout the day and night.  As we lay down our desires and wills for His life takes on beauty and love that we never imagined.  It is not easy to give up our desires especially when it seem like it is the thing we thing should be happening.  But as we lay down day by day our desires and seek the humble life of Jesus we see a new way to freedom that we never knew.  Serving God and others becomes our joy.    He who loses HIs life for Christ sake finds it.



Life and the world becomes hope in Jesus as never before.  It feeds you to do the will of the Father.  It gives you strength and life.  Being taught by HIs word by the Spirit and worship in all you do becomes a new way of life.  You love people as you never did before.  You give up your right to be right.  You see the beauty in others and bring out a life in them they never knew.   It is a new way of living of life in peace and harmony.  Even working out the hard things in life become an anticipation and expectancy of life and what surprise God might bring next through this new faith and trust you have in Him and His Son and Spirit.


How could I ever think I could live this christian life apart from His Spirit, Son and Father.  The thing I never considered is He never left my side, Never!  Although I felt sad and lonely at time He was was always near.  He was always there drawing me into His presence, waiting, and loving me more and more than I thought, felt or knew.  He changed my doubts to cuddles of assurance of His love for me.  For even the difficult times in my life in abundance... IN HIS perfect time and purpose.

Just give me Jesus with a smile.

Jesus met no strangers.

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

As long as I can remember I have talked to God and about Him.  Even as a  child He occupied my seemingly every thought.

I remember talking to several friends as we walked...They both ask me.  Is it natural to talk about God all the time.  My response was...What else is there.

Even now He occupies my thinking.  My dr says I am overly religious.  I am consumed with thoughts about my faith.  He thinks this is part of my illness.  I would respond and say...It is just as I am.  It is who I am.

I do not mean to imply that I am overly saintly or spiritual it is just my life.  My life with Christ.  I filter everything and everyone through who God is and who I am.



God is continually working in me and my heart to bring me to a greater trust in Him.  I have been told I am obsessed with religion.  It just is who I am.  I don't know how to not think on Jesus.


I have been consumed by the thoughts of my sin.  I had to work on not being obsessed with inward thinking.


There were times when I was sick I would spend hours in quiet and meditation.  Jesus and the Father and Spirit are my constant companion.  They enter my life through thought of their love for me.  They continually teach me, correct me, comfort me, draw me and lead me where I should go.  I am one with them through the grace and compassion and love of God for  me.  He loved me in my mothers womb.  Some of my thinking is natural.


I  have many friends and our time is spent talking about the gospel and how God is working in our families and our lives.  It is a joy to be with them and pray for our families and teach each other.


There was a time I did not talk about God so much.  Then I thought it is who I am.  I am not going to change and not talk about the love of my life.  So I began to talk about God more graciously.  God worked in me and I think my family and others began to see change in me.  I was not just a preacher that talked and didn't live what I believed.  God humbled us all and we began to love each other with a pure love and selfless love and it showed.


I see God in and though everything.  His heart has become my heart over the years and His desires mine.  It has taken a lot of suffering and guidance and help from others more wise than me to bring me to a point of the joy that I have with God.  I depend on those more wise than me to guide me and I am so very thankful.  I learn from everyone.  My children are some of my greatest teachers about God and life and people.  They are wise beyond their years and I pray for them to love God more than anything.


This is just a few lines into who I am and how I walk with Jesus.  He is my constant companion.  He is teaching me now about His glorious righteousness and peace and contentment in Him.  How my life is not my own.  I am not my own.  I am His servant and it is a joy!  I Have learned this through much pride discontentment, jealously of the life I wanted and didn't have.  I have been healed and loved into the kindness of God beyond the preciousness of a child that I am and do not deserve.  My love continues to grow and I continue to see how I bring nothing to Jesus but my heart and that is a challenge.

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All I know is God pours His grace out on a lost people and it sings with hope and joy in the midst of a world that is His own.

I love to talk to my special friends about my relationship with God and my family.  I boast in my weakness that Gods glory might shine.   I talk to everybody and any body about it.  I don't have to know them to ask them if I can pray for them.  To tell them what God is doing.  To ask them if they know Jesus.  To ask them if Jesus is why they smile or are so happy.  It is the greatest joy in my life to talk to anyone anywhere about my Savior.  He is who I want to grow to serve and when I serve others it is partners with Him, for and with Him.  I see it as never before and with great joy this is not my life.  I have been bought with a price and Redeemed.

Beauty is brighter

For all you who have been so faithful to think and pray for me and my family thank you so very much.

Even when we do not see or understand Gods purposes never fail.  God will only allow those things in our lives that will refine us, Tim Keller.

I have gradually felt better as there have been a shift in meds. Your prayers carried me as I had no idea of what would transpired or how long the changes would take.  Always knowing that to feel sorry for myself would be a temptation when things seem to not get better.  Gods mercy kept my spirits and kept my eyes fixed on Him even though without reminding I would not have remembered how good and kind God and others are even if I do not understand what is happening or why.  Those who believe that Jesus is always enough kept the faith unto righteousness.

 Today was very good.  I got to spend the day with friends.  Doing things I enjoy.  I even feel like my thinking is so much more clear.

I was reminded how beautiful the righteousness of Christ is and how He keeps us unto Himself.


My heart is sad for several of those whom I love and have ties with.  Life is such a challenge and so hard at times.  It seems I celebrate with some and grieve with others.  I praise God always and thank Him we are so blessed even in difficult times.

I have prayed that God would not leave me to myself and He does not.  He rescues me over and over again.  I think I am close to quitting and I dare not.  I think I am close to letting go and He never lets go of me.  Hope never stops and I do not fail to see beauty and my heart does not faint and lose hope in Christ and the gospel.  He is my hope and my identity.  I no longer live but Christ lives in me.  I must decrease and He increases.  The more I lose of myself the greater I know who I am in Him.  I feel inspired to serve and love as never before.  My focus on the gift of Jesus is greater than my eyes and heart can contain.

As many suffer they have the hope of knowing Him more.  I praise Him in greater ways than ever.  As more of myself is not my own the love of Christ indwells me.

I have spoken of how drugged I have been trying to get the dose right on my med.  It has taken patience and lots of care from my family.  It has silenced me.  I have seen my pride as never before.  I love to reason and think and I have been prevented from that with my confusion.

It is a humbling thing to have family and others sort your meds, appointments, etc tell you what and when to do what because you are not thinking straight.  The brain disorder is a very humbling illness to have.  You can tell others about the stigma and that is one thing.  But having others taking care of you hurts your pride when you are as strong a woman as the line I come from.  You want to be able to take care of yourself and think and remember.

So God knows what I need.  Last night as I lay in my confusion and sadness of the whole thing of what might be happening I look to Christ.  I come back to having nothing to offer but my sin.  Knowing that Jesus is enough.  Seeing my pride and heart deeper that ever and being humbled again but God stripping my strengths once again.

Resting in His goodness to show me the depths of my need of Him.  Wondering what else I need to see to say enough is enough.  He is enough and I will bend my knee and close my mouth to the care of those wiser and stronger.  To claim grace is for the humble and see He has once again humbled me.

His beauty is brighter.  My heart is lighter.  My peace is only possible by His presence.  It is a time of celebration and rejoicing with gladness the goodness of God to me once again.  My quiet heart and the stream of tears of giving him my heart once again is enough to bring contentment within.

It is all about His beauty, presence, faithfulness, love, power that drags me into His side of heart of love for me that over shadows in smallness of this life and gives Himself in greatness.  Love is the fruit of repentance.  Others centered with Jesus glory just is as doing and loving in ways I cannot do without even trying.  Love and others and Jesus just is.

What will be is yet to see

Thinking why are we the way we are....

My once pastor said that maybe our life is a reason but it is not an excuse the way we are.

How many times I have thought well I am just like my mom.  Or if it doesn't work I may try being like my did without even realizing.  I am who I am because of the way I was raised.

There are influences in our life that help determine who we are but we can use them to our advantage and for our good instead of a complaint and excuse.

My mom was that way because her dad died when she was a baby  The excuses go on and on.  My dad was not hard on me or my mom was a soft lady  The excuses go on.  Why I should have had this opportunity and poor me.  I just couldn't help it.   This made me the way I am.  I blame my life, my opportunities, my parents, those bad breaks.

Yes these thing do help form us but we can use them all to our advantage and we are not prisoners to our lives or the people who have been a part of our lives.  We may think we are a product but it is not the final say of who we are and the life we will have.

They were small when that happened.  That is why they are like that.

They can't help the way they are.  They were born that way.


Life would be all together different if we believed we had a say so in who we will become.  I am like this because my parents and my world has shaped me.  I can't help who I am.  What I do or what I am like.

The truth is we have a will given to us by God and we have the Holy Spirit given to us.  We have a say so about the people we become.  It maybe a reason why we have a struggle but we do not have to stay that way all ways.  We have a choice about many things.  A God given choice.

We need to see the wonder in our lives and in our world and the people that has helped for us and what we can do and change and help.  Our lives would open wide open and we would become fearless and full of wonder if we saw our lives as no limits.

May we see our lives, others and our selves with the wonder of God.  We are not slaves to sin nor this life but full of hope and Spirit that has no limits.


This does not send a discontentment but instead a huge contentment for who we are and the life we have rather than that we are forced into a place or a life we are most unhappy with.  It gives us a huge measure of control and purpose instead of complaint and discontent.

Life becomes the glory God intended it to be and the joy that it was made to have all at once.

Living each day in the moment and in the fullest.  In the now and present is all we have.

Having nothing

Is it important to have nothing to know how really rich you are?

I have been sick for about 6 mos.  I have been in the hospital, mental.  I have lost my memory short term.  I have been confused.  I have slept for days and weeks and not been able to eat and drink.  I had to get fluids.

We, friends and family and I sat for hours waiting for a room.  We saw the broken, bloody, the sick, the hungry, the insane for hours on in wondering when I might get a space to be.

I was given 124mg/ medication and watched intently.  I stayed for a week.  My new friends were the ones with problems beyond my help.  All I could do was be there.  I had nothing.

My friends and family had to do what I could not do.  My daughter had to change my sheets in the middle of the night because I could not keep from going to the bathroom all over my self.  My husband and children and friends sat with me for hours and watched me sleep for hours.  I could't even make a pot of coffee.  I was so confused.

My heart was before me.  My intent.  I was given nothing but grace and love and care over and over again.

My meds are better now.  I am able to see that I never had anything of my own.  My friends and my family shower me with love and grace and I am so very rich with the Fathers love and my family.  All I want to do is talk to my friends and family and thank God for them and love them for loving me.  All I have is grace upon grace and love upon love and your prayers and care for me.

It falls on my grateful heart as I am in control of nothing I have.  Nor do I feel there is anything I have to give.  I do not even know about writing this piece with a confused mind.  I feel completely empty handed begging for grace.  Pleading with God to never let me feel I am worthy or valuable of anything but given more and more grace and love and gifts and kindness and mercy and love by my family and friends and my God.

May His Mercy continue to follow me all  my days.