He never ran out of answers or patience in my questions or thoughts or doubts. I Never grew tired of just being with Him and being loved by Him. I grew stronger but weakness is where my strength would grow. It was in not being able to live the good life turned me to the one who delighted to give the good life to me.
Living the life of love was impossible until I saw my need for the one who would give the love to me.
Living a good life alone.
I became a christian at a very young age and was a good girl people would say. I knew the rules. I obeyed my parents. I was good in school and everyone liked me and I liked them.
Life continued until I was married. Had children and I tried to keep up the good life. It never occurred to me I was trying to live life apart from God. All on my own.
Time hit me when I became sick mentally that I was insecure about all my decisions. I ask God about everything. Big and small. I ask Him for strength. Direction. Change of heart. I became aware I could do nothing on my own.
I had raised my children and been the best wife I could all alone. I didn't know what it was to repent of my sin and ask for love and the power to do Gods will. I thought HIs will was my will. I had not idea that His plans were not as I had envisioned.
Now my prayers are more not my will but your will Lord. God can give a heart of love when there is no love at all. He is the power and strength to give the heart of a loving Father.
The other day I had a disagreement with a friend. I was surprised at the condition of my heart. I was shocked. My prayer immediately changed to give me a loving heart. A heart of Jesus. God is in the heart changing business. Living our life apart from Him is impossible. We can do nothing apart from Him.
Only God does what we cannot do. He chances hearts to be like His. To love and surrender and obey when we can't. He is the change maker. He reconciles and redeems in ways we cannot possibly do.
It is a partnership. A relationship. A love of God. His surrender and His strength and His grace to make it day by day. It is HIs wisdom and His direction. His peace and joy that gives us a contented life when we trust Him throughout the day and night. As we lay down our desires and wills for His life takes on beauty and love that we never imagined. It is not easy to give up our desires especially when it seem like it is the thing we thing should be happening. But as we lay down day by day our desires and seek the humble life of Jesus we see a new way to freedom that we never knew. Serving God and others becomes our joy. He who loses HIs life for Christ sake finds it.
Life and the world becomes hope in Jesus as never before. It feeds you to do the will of the Father. It gives you strength and life. Being taught by HIs word by the Spirit and worship in all you do becomes a new way of life. You love people as you never did before. You give up your right to be right. You see the beauty in others and bring out a life in them they never knew. It is a new way of living of life in peace and harmony. Even working out the hard things in life become an anticipation and expectancy of life and what surprise God might bring next through this new faith and trust you have in Him and His Son and Spirit.
How could I ever think I could live this christian life apart from His Spirit, Son and Father. The thing I never considered is He never left my side, Never! Although I felt sad and lonely at time He was was always near. He was always there drawing me into His presence, waiting, and loving me more and more than I thought, felt or knew. He changed my doubts to cuddles of assurance of His love for me. For even the difficult times in my life in abundance... IN HIS perfect time and purpose.