For all you who have been so faithful to think and pray for me and my family thank you so very much.
Even when we do not see or understand Gods purposes never fail. God will only allow those things in our lives that will refine us, Tim Keller.
I have gradually felt better as there have been a shift in meds. Your prayers carried me as I had no idea of what would transpired or how long the changes would take. Always knowing that to feel sorry for myself would be a temptation when things seem to not get better. Gods mercy kept my spirits and kept my eyes fixed on Him even though without reminding I would not have remembered how good and kind God and others are even if I do not understand what is happening or why. Those who believe that Jesus is always enough kept the faith unto righteousness.
Today was very good. I got to spend the day with friends. Doing things I enjoy. I even feel like my thinking is so much more clear.
I was reminded how beautiful the righteousness of Christ is and how He keeps us unto Himself.
My heart is sad for several of those whom I love and have ties with. Life is such a challenge and so hard at times. It seems I celebrate with some and grieve with others. I praise God always and thank Him we are so blessed even in difficult times.
I have prayed that God would not leave me to myself and He does not. He rescues me over and over again. I think I am close to quitting and I dare not. I think I am close to letting go and He never lets go of me. Hope never stops and I do not fail to see beauty and my heart does not faint and lose hope in Christ and the gospel. He is my hope and my identity. I no longer live but Christ lives in me. I must decrease and He increases. The more I lose of myself the greater I know who I am in Him. I feel inspired to serve and love as never before. My focus on the gift of Jesus is greater than my eyes and heart can contain.
As many suffer they have the hope of knowing Him more. I praise Him in greater ways than ever. As more of myself is not my own the love of Christ indwells me.
I have spoken of how drugged I have been trying to get the dose right on my med. It has taken patience and lots of care from my family. It has silenced me. I have seen my pride as never before. I love to reason and think and I have been prevented from that with my confusion.
It is a humbling thing to have family and others sort your meds, appointments, etc tell you what and when to do what because you are not thinking straight. The brain disorder is a very humbling illness to have. You can tell others about the stigma and that is one thing. But having others taking care of you hurts your pride when you are as strong a woman as the line I come from. You want to be able to take care of yourself and think and remember.
So God knows what I need. Last night as I lay in my confusion and sadness of the whole thing of what might be happening I look to Christ. I come back to having nothing to offer but my sin. Knowing that Jesus is enough. Seeing my pride and heart deeper that ever and being humbled again but God stripping my strengths once again.
Resting in His goodness to show me the depths of my need of Him. Wondering what else I need to see to say enough is enough. He is enough and I will bend my knee and close my mouth to the care of those wiser and stronger. To claim grace is for the humble and see He has once again humbled me.
His beauty is brighter. My heart is lighter. My peace is only possible by His presence. It is a time of celebration and rejoicing with gladness the goodness of God to me once again. My quiet heart and the stream of tears of giving him my heart once again is enough to bring contentment within.
It is all about His beauty, presence, faithfulness, love, power that drags me into His side of heart of love for me that over shadows in smallness of this life and gives Himself in greatness. Love is the fruit of repentance. Others centered with Jesus glory just is as doing and loving in ways I cannot do without even trying. Love and others and Jesus just is.