Wednesday, May 14, 2014

On A Fast Train

The other day it hit me I was doing the same thing I did years ago.  I remember a time, when I was getting sick, that I would get in my husbands red pick up truck, roll down the windows, turn up the country music, smoke cigarettes and just ride.  Even though I was worshiping God and talking to Him I was withdrawn from Him and from life.

The other day a hard thing happened.  I got in my red jeep and did the same thing.  I had a hard thing happen.  I got in my car, rolled down the windows and the wind blew through my hair and the country music caused a throb in my chest.  I had tears streaming down my face in thankfulness how God had directed me and worked in my heart and others.  But on the way back home, the Lord showed me I was running, running again.  My daughter wrote, I have to be ok with not being ok.

I have thought of all the ways I have ran through the years.  My mind has raced, and I have spaced out.  Men do this through work and coming home and retreating to the television.  Women do this through their home, taking care of children, getting on the computer, reading one book after another.  I have done it all.  I was not ok.  I was hurting and it was real and He cared for me.  Even my friends couldn't give me what I so needed.  I couldn't even ask others to pray or pray myself.

I was on a fast train to Texas and it crashed but did not burn.  I decided I would take some time off and just be, rest, enjoy God while doing a little yard and house work, eat and sleep.  I was all given out.  I was so fooled.  I thought I was doing what God wanted me to do because He was leading me and giving me strength.  I was loving people and they were looking to Jesus.  It seemed such a good thing and it was.  I had to be ok with the mystery.  What was God doing...

After a few days of sleep and rest I went out on my porch and I began to cry.  I didn't know why.  My life had been hard for awhile and there were no signs of it getting any better.  I just decided to feel the pain of it all.  To be with the Lord until my strength renewed and take time to hear from Him what He wanted me to do. I went to Him as my comfort.  I went and had lunch with Jesus.  When the waitress ask for how many, I explained just me.  Then I said me and Jesus.  She laughed and said yes mam.  It was good.  I talked to Him about what He wanted me to do.  He impressed upon my heart that He wasn't so interested in what I did for Him as my heart.  He wanted me to be led by Him moment by moment.  I was ok with that.  It was a mystery.

After I got home things flooded my mind of things I knew God wanted me to do.  So I began to take steps to do them.  He unfolded ways that never occurred to me.  What has God been doing in me?  I am not going there. I am ok with not knowing or understanding.   His ways are not our ways.  Who can know the mind of Christ.  I did some running yesterday, but it came to me it is not what I do but what He has done.  I can't help everyone in life.  I can't even help me at times.  But I can ask Him Lord if you want me to help this person let me know.  Let me know what it is you want me to do.

I have always been someone who just wanted to understand.  Understand what made life work and figure things out.  I now see there are certain things I can know but understanding the ways and mind of God is not one of them.  His loved is real.  His grace is real.  He is always good.  He is working in ways I never imagined.  I hope I don't run today.  I hope I deeper understand Who He is and what He has done for me.  I do.  But if I do run, I have prayed He will catch me and bring me back to His heart.  I have returned to my friends and ask a few to pray for me.  My mind is still.  It is not racing or blank.  I have a peace again.  Greater than before.  I am ok with the Mystery.  I am ok with God.  He is even ok with me!

This morning after writing I said Lord change me, I just can't do it.  He said, I am trying, I can't lol.  He cracks me up sometimes.  I said all I can do is rely on you.  He laughed.