Since I was a little girl, I have always wanted to do something great. I wanted to do something great for God. I wanted to write a best seller. Be the best speaker for God. I use to talk to my friend about having a stadium full of people and us speaking about God. I wanted others to think I have this great faith. I am this great christian. I wanted to be perfect for Him. All these things seemed right and holy at the time. I wanted to be happy.
I still want to be happy and I am, but it has not come the way I thought. No this does not mean I am never sad. But my friends and the Spirit helps me when my joy is going. Happiness has come through suffering and failing. It has come through people seeing my faith has wavered and being looked down on some, even pitied and afraid of me because of a mental disorder. Through seeing I was a failure at the things I tried the hardest to succeed in. It all had to go.
But I could not stop there, as I did for 15 years. I had to turn from me, to Him. I had to realize the rest of the gospel. That Jesus got it right for me. That He was perfect for me. That I had a new heart and the mind of Christ. That I was forgiven and God could actually use my failure to be better than it was before I failed. That He had a plan for me and I could not mess that up. That I was a saint and I had the righteousness of Christ, already. He opened me up and put Himself in me.
God is changing me and showing me the blessing in loving others and Him and finding my satisfaction in Him, glorifying Him, trusting and depending on Him. I fail at this all the time. So He drags me to His side once again and I gaze into His eyes looking into mine. I haven't achieved this but I see this is the way to live. To true happiness. At first though, I just started trying to love, people because I knew God wanted me to and because of how He loves me. I had no idea how hard it would be for me at times and the joy, or the blessings that would come from it. I have to depend on Him. So now I get up in the morning and I say what are we going to do today Lord? How and who do you want to love through me? He deals with my own heart through this and encourages others. Actually I think He gets a kick out of it. We have a good time doing it together. He gives me His beautiful heart of love, love for me and others, empowers me and gives me ideas and all I have to do is do it, though imperfectly.
The other day I had been a bum all day. I wasn't dressed. My house was a mess. I was just sitting on the sofa and relaxing with a glass of wine. The door bell rang. I though oh no. Who can that be. I thought, it is the UPS guy. I am not going to the door. Then I said, I can't do that. I said Lord I don't feel like this today. I'm a mess. After Danny got out of coaching I use to run from people who would come to our house. Please help me, Jesus. I went to the door and this sweet lady was there. As I embarrassingly opened the door she began to talk and I could see she had a story to tell. I apologized for things and said would you like to come in. She said yes. Have a seat. She began to tell me about meeting my husband years ago. About her family. She was from three hours away and wanted to come back to our house, for her husband to meet my husband. She said my husband thinks your husband is god. I laughed and said, well he's not. He is a mess like the rest of us. She said my husband just worships your husband. I said well see if you can get him to worship God and think a lot of my husband. She said I know.
As we went to the door, I gave her my card to the blog and on the back wrote my husbands number. I said he will be glad to hear from you. She said we just think he is the best coach ever. I said yes he is. I said call him. He feels honored by people wanting to meet him and have his autograph. He will do what he can. Maybe he could meet you sometime, somewhere on one of his trips your way.
She said, my son said mom don't you dare go over there. I said tell your son I am so glad you did. She said, I wish I had a camera, I would take a picture of us together. I said, oh hon, I wouldn't let you do that. Ugggh! Maybe next time. She said you have been so gracious and kind. She hadn't seen what a mess me or my house was, nor how selfish I had been. She had loved me unconditionally.
So what does God do when we make a decision to love Him and love others. He shows me my utter inability to do it. He shows me how He can give me His love for other people. He shows me His unconditional, radical, bold, precious, tender, love for me and He blesses me. I thought sharing in His joy and glory was in heaven, but the Spirit has shown me that it is what I am discovering now. This happiness is for now! Just imagine what heaven will be like! No matter where you are in your walk with Christ, if you are His, you have His righteousness. We, His bride are a crown of His glory, each one of us. So no matter if you have been a christian all your life. If you became a christian late in life. If you have a strong faith or a weak one. If you have failed or wondered away, we all will become like Him, when we see Him face to face because He died for us. He took our sin and gave us His righteousness. This makes us want to trust Him more! Now that makes me happy!
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