Thursday, August 20, 2015

Tell me Jesus, your grace is enough

2 Cor. 12:8-9
 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 
9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.I have a very analytical mind.  Yet to be analytical, I did not understand what this meant, but I felt in my heart it was wrong.  I just did not know why...

My emotions were caring me away.  I was over analyzing.  The meds had been cut back because I was doing so well.  I was careless with my supplements missing some and running out of others.  The depression grew as weeks had gone by.  I would not up my meds but would handle this.  The messages that hovered over my conscience from the world and even the uneducated church, pressed in the feelings of guilt and condemnation.  

Without me even realizing these beliefs were dictating my world and my mind.If I just understood my sin more.  If my circumstances got better, then I would not struggle but they are great and I do and I am struggling, bad.  I fall into self pity.  I am self absorbed.  My fears run wild. If only my mind were more fixed on Jesus and others, things would be ok. If I were closer and trusted Him more,  I would be healed.  If I got out daily, made myself walk, eat right, stayed in touch with friends and talked to family, made myself go to church that I love, then...I knew all the answers.  

I cried out to God for a rescue and he did over and over, but for me only to plumb again and again.  I made myself do what I could not do, depending on the power of Christ in the Spirit.  I was vulnerable to the wise and disciplined my mind and even encouraged others.  I would sense a little relief for awhile but nothing lasting.I didn't want to dump on my friends.  They had their own struggles.  No one wants to hear from a sad person when they themselves are sad.  So I bottled it up and put a lid on it to only explode in due time.  I wanted to shout, how are you?  Fine?  Great.  I am not fine.. but I knew there was nothing this would solved. I wondered, do people even know how to handle me?   I knew there were those who really suffered and had a great attitude, what was wrong with me?  Why can't I.  I would beat myself up and spiral again, of course.  

Comparing to feel better about yourself is never a good idea.  You will always come up short.I began to be grateful for the breath from my lungs, the sense of smell from my nose, the taste of my mouth, and ears that hear.  For the trees and the clouds that gathered above their heads.  I broke and called my doc.  I upped my meds.  I ordered my supplements and I prayed.  There was the pull to self medicate with a glass of wine but that would only make me fall deeper into this pit, I already could not crawl out.So I can't analyze, fix or cure my way out of this.  I may struggle with depression my whole like.  

But is God good?  Yes!  I may suffer from rejection and acceptance and fear of man but can I trust Jesus is enough.  Yes.  That even in my mess, He loves me and covers me.  Can He be sufficient for me even in my brokenness?  Can His grace be all I need or want?  Tell me Jesus, show me how.I ask myself what is God doing?  He is teaching to deal with rejection and that His acceptance is all I need.  To please Him is my hearts desire. I do please Him by trusting in Jesus.  I do please Him, being in Christ.  He is teaching me not to harden my heart or run from pain but let Him comfort me.  He is teaching me to not let my emotions drive my actions or my faith.  That He commands emotions that are good and a blessing to be, to be joyful and grateful and have hope. I am to let my emotions drive me to Him. To drink in the goodness of Him and His Word.   My circumstances good or bad do not control my peace and joy but my relationship in trusting Him does.  That I may have depression the rest of my life but He is with me through and in it all.  I am learning to embrace my weakness and fully receive this life God has for me to know and depend on Him.

I was able to tell my doctor that I was doing really well, when he called.  I explained Jesus and the means of Grace that He had given me. My peace flowed from within like a river.  I have had a good teacher and friends and family who love and care for me.  God really is our Rescuer and Redeemer.  We really do have all we need for life and godliness.  His grace truly is enough.