Wednesday, August 5, 2015

Better than I deserve

It is dark, dark as night.  The lightening burst forth as to fracture the sky with no limits and no bounds.  Sounds of thunder, came as a domino fall and the winds blew.  Suddenly rain breezes through my way and it sprinkles upon my face as I sit in the moment. Even the trees and it's leaves clap at the performance around and about them.  Not wanting to miss this of creation responding to itself, responding to God.  If I could but take this moment in and not let it go, but it would, but slip through my existence and experience as the rain might through my fingers.  It was being in the present, in the presence of God Himself as His Spirit blew where it will.  I breathed in, Lord Jesus, thank you for loving me, and I exhale, Father, Spirit and again and again.  Time in silent prayer that moves me and my soul.

I reflect in a glance the happenings of the week.  It began so normal, well for someone not normal.  I planned my days with easy and excitement of what was to unfold and what the days were to hold.  Time with friends, near and far, old and new.  There was plenty of room for God to bring in what He may, but what He brought, caught me off guard, again.  Then it began to unravel.

The circumstances seemed too hard this time.  I could not breathe.  I was weak and lifeless and His words came to mind.  Be anxious for nothing but in thanksgiving make your request known to your Father who loves you and I did.  I went through the list like a well rehearsed song.  Listing the request off my mind, the struggle in the relationship, the concern over the child, the fear of relapse and even physical pain that had been like a constant dull ache.  Oh and there were other circumstances I could not control, that came as a surprise.  I don't want to stuff these matters, but give them to you, God.  I had a desperate grief of sin and the effects of it, of the disconnect of us all.  All I could do was groan inside for redemption with the world.

You tell me, you will take my anxious thoughts and worries and my burdens will be light.  I need a Rescuer and a Savior.  I need someone, God, only God, who can change this troubled heart and He did.  Throughout that day over and over, the repeat of the same, again and again.  Does He tire of me?  Why can't my faith last?  Why does the peace wash over me like a river going out to sea?

Day after day, the tears poured, that I hadn't shed in years.  The lowering of the meds helped me feel the anxiousness of my weary soul and body. It allowed the tears to come.  I was tired. Tired of my own sinful ways.  I was tired of trying to fix things and make my life work. Tired of trying to let others fix me.  Tired of not measuring up and failing.   Tired of fighting the enemy and trying to stay well.  Was it really all up to me.  If I turned loose, could I really trust God with it all.  What if I didn't resonate with what He might do?  Would it be all for nothing?  My efforts?  My plans?  Had I been this much of a controller?  It came to me, he who tries to save his life will lose it, but he who looses his life for my sake, will find it.

Days later, as schedules had gotten interrupted and changed, I began to get a glimpse of His faithfulness in it all.  Where days earlier, there seemed to be nothing but rejection and no one around and the pain of it all and now blessing of community, family and friends, loving me in ways, I know I do not deserve.  Even my prayers of change in me, I could see creeping into reality unexpectedly through relationships and time spent over meals and coming together with conversation and laughter and questions and even a few answers, with those I love.  The very things that use to drain me were now giving me strength.   I was being loved and I was loving.  The hard stuff was brought into perspective and just days before swallowed me.  Gods mystery and greatness and goodness and gratitude came from within me in those moments, witnessing the storm, that could not have been predicted by me.  The plans God had were not my own, but better.  He broke it all down and took it and built it all back again into a week of suffering and joy and His glory.  It was worth it all.  If the gospel wouldn't pass through my mind so quickly.  If the faith I have wouldn't turn into His faithfulness, not mine.  Things would not be the same.  The same as tonight, here, with Him and this heart of mine that sings with joy of my God and all He has for me, all He is.  I love my life and all those in it.  Repentance brings joy.  Where does this love come from except from the very heart of God, never to grow cold again.  But will it?  Will I have to go here again and again.  It is like the labor of a child birth, a suffering and resting in great anticipation of the birth only to come when this life is done.  But for now, it is a resting.  As I listen to the sounds of the night, I don't want to close my eyes for fear of missing it.  This moment here and now do not leave me.  Do not pass me by. May I linger?   No regrets or guilt or shame, but absolute delight in the Lord and Him in me.  If only I could hold on to the moment.  But He is holding on to me, through the storm.  Then there is stillness and the storm has passed once again.  It has purpose and meaning and so do I.  He has called me to it.