Wednesday, March 4, 2015

From a Control Freak!

Thank you all for your prayers and concern.  Danny's niece Kristi and I brought Danny home from the hospital today.  He had a serious blockage but he had great care and doctors and did really well.
Last week he went to Wyoming snowmobiling and ended up in the hospital for two days, for test.  He came home with the test and saw his heart doc and they told him he would have to go to the hospital for a heart cath.  Immediately they did the stent surgery and he did great.  Lots and lots of good attention.  I don't know what I would have done without the staff, the girls and Jordan sitting with Pop, Ash supportive calls and Lee taking care of the farm last week and this.  Our children have been with us through thick and thin.

When we got home Danny drove twice  I got scared.  He said, Deborah I know my limits and my instructions.  He is an active man and was tired laying around and sleeping.  It is just not his way.  He is a type A worker. We both were appreciative of the care he got at the hospital.  

When we got home from him driving to Walmart, we ate the vegetable soup he made.  He went to bed and I went to the porch.  I needed some time just to sit in the presence of the Lord.  Have Him search my heart.  Something was going on and I needed to know what it was.  I was so blind.  I have had too much coffee and sleeping has been off.  It came to me, I am a controller. I was angry.  People weren't cooperating like I wanted.  I was fearful not trusting God with Danny.  I was loosing my control and therefore my comfort.  When he wouldn't do what I thought he needed to do to keep him safe.  He said Deborah I know my limits and my instructions. I didn't listen to my husband.  My leader and protector.  When I am tired and things are going wild and out of my control you can see my weakest point.  I went into the bedroom to apologize and confess to Danny my heart of not trusting God with things, with him.  To apologize to him for the way I had acted.  It was not the time.  He was asleep, but tomorrow I will humble myself.   Because I too was worried and fearful and so, I grabbed and clinched my hands around my whole family as tight as I could.  When I couldn't, I just wanted to give up and go take a nap.  My restraints of struggling because I wasn't getting what I wanted I thought, had worn me out.  I think when we were told, I wanted to gather you under my wings but you would not.  The Spirit has a way of opening blind eyes of self righteousness and self reliance.

Confession is good for the soul.  Once I repented to the Lord, I feel better.  Sorrowful but peaceful with gratitude for Gods precious gift of my family and my husband.  Just a broken heart over my sin to my family at a special time, I should have understood them all.  They had been so wonderful and helping.  I couldn't have made it without them.

So here we are again.  What is normal these days for anyone.  Better yet, what does God do but reveal my lack of trusting Him with my family, something I thought I had gone through years ago.  When we are the weakest or strongest I should say, our idols raise their ugly head.  Apart from these two difficult days I wouldn't realize I still struggle in the very same way.  I don't think I get any better but just hand over to God sooner.  How could I so quickly forget what God had just done for us and the help and care of my family for me and their dad.  I feel like the Israelites who got the manna and the grumbled and complained.  Moses ask, what do you want me to do with these people you gave me?  That is being ask about me.  Yes I am broken over it.  How can I be so blind.

You may not understand this but I have been struggling with why do I think I have to be so right about everything.  I don't argue with Danny or the kids but it is what goes on in my heart that troubles me.  I don't do it for acceptance.  I do it for value and worth.  I feel like something is missing if it is wrong.  The self righteousness of that is evident.  Knowing who I am in Christ and that He gives me value and worth.  That the gospel is about God and not me.  I thank God that He does not leave me to myself.  I pray that sometimes.  He is there loving us in our humiliation, saying it was my humiliation for you that brings you to the Father at times like this even with a broken, grateful heart that says I am your hope.  Begin again tomorrow.  Learn, change, cling to me and love those I have graciously given you.  Anyway I think I am over trying to be right.  How can you think you are right when you blow it so bad.  Somehow I hear God whisper...I knew you would and I love you anyway.

Nite all.  Blessings and safe keeping.  Count your blessings and if you can't remember why, call a friend and ask them what you need to be thankful for.  Be still and wait upon the Lord until there is peace in your soul.  Let people love you and God too.  It is one of the grandest gifts the Father gave us in His Son, His love.  Spread it around and I will too.  Those around you and God, loves the unloveable.  Can I love the lovable?