Since Christmas I have struggled and been unstable. I would put on my old sweat shirt and go to bed. Talking to God, fighting the thoughts that I felt disrespect Him and tortured me. We did med changes, tweeting them from time to time, going to dr visits and evaluating again. No change.
I would fight the thoughts. Go to God that Jesus is enough for me and covered my sin. I have to tell you I felt His displeasure. Feelings are not always true. Gods Word is true. I ask... What would happened to me if the thoughts kept being worse. There seemed to be no end.
It came to me from friends to not fight the thoughts but to trust in God and let them so. I tried and it was so hard not to correct them in my head and analyze them over and over as I spiraled. I continually said I love you God, I love you. You know my heart and I love you. I would grow weary and tired and confused not knowing what I was saying. I felt there must be spiritual warfare and I trusted God to fight my battle for me knowing satan was defeated at the cross and I was Gods beloved Child.
Then it occurred to me, my suffering was not wasted. God had a plan for me before time. That the suffering was not in vain. That God gives and God takes away. It was a plan for my good and I was giving Him glory by trusting in Jesus for my sin. I could find peace and joy just in my Savior and Lord. That no matter what was going on in my life I could be content in Christ because I was secure because I was in Christ and He was in me. That He loved me with an everlasting love and nothing would change that or separate me from the Father, Jesus or Spirit.
So I took a shower, got dressed and went to my closet one day. There was a bag and as I lifted it up there was a new coat. I think of that surprise today as I have seen God is doing a new thing in me always. That He wants me to put off the old man and on with the new. That I am a new creature in Christ. I am sealed with the Spirit. This is what I have been trying to learn from the Gospel Primer posted by Rick Thomas...
As long as I am stricken with the guilt of my sins, I will be captive to them, and will often find myself re-committing the very sins about which I feel most guilty.
The Devil is well aware of this fact; he knows that if he can keep me tormented by sin’s guilt, he can dominate me with sin’s power. - The Gospel Primer
I don't know what tomorrow brings but I know this suffering is meant for me to spread the gospel of Christ. I must seek to rest in His finished work for me and live in the moment of His grace. I have been declared NOT GUILTY. His work will always be enough to help me, strengthen me, give me wisdom, forgive me and keep me. So grace be to you dear friend. Maybe your life isn't what you planned either. There is no one greater than our God in deciding what is best. It is not always easy but to trust Him and His righteousness for us is to put on the robe of righteousness. Living what is not what we hope to be but who we are and He is. Christ came to set the captives free! You shall know the truth and the truth shall set you free.