Saturday, November 15, 2014

What was I thinking

What am I doing?  In Galatians Paul warns them of returning to the law to be sanctified rather than living by faith and by the Spirit.  But you live the christian life the same way you began it by the gospel, trusting in Christ.  I have written many times how I was a self sufficient, capable, self reliant, perfectionistic woman.  Then my life crashed and burned and I did nothing hardly for 17 years.  I am feeling great now and wouldn't you know it?

We had a party to go to.  I needed something new to wear of course.  One lady even came in with the price tag hanging off her clothes.  I leaned back and thought yeah me too.  Several weeks I had my feet done and wouldn't you know it I have an appointment with the dr on Mon because my feet look blistered and peeling.  I am imagining from the hot wax.  I got my hair done yesterday and of course I had to hide the gray.  Today I am having an allergic reaction to the color.  My head is broken out and itching.  I am miserable and wondering how I am going to look gray. The ladies there were talking about all the crafty things they were doing from pinterest.  I thought uggh.  Where is my talent? How do you google that?   Why can't I do that stuff?   Even the sweet n low we put in the color didn't help like it use to keep me from reacting, so now I am taking allergic meds.  We took pictures at the party and we had to sit and get the photographer to hold the camera up high.  We figured out it makes you look younger and thinner.  We took several until we could got one we all approved of, of course.  We posted them on fb looking great, holding in our stomaches, raising our heads and smiling big even though we just had an simple argument.  Oh and the photo had to be photo shopped several times to get the lighting just right.  My daughter is coming for the night with someone new to me and I had to get the house just so so.  My husband complained of having to stash the food processor off the cabinet.  He was ready for bed.  We are having Thanksgiving and I was concerned did I have enough placemats and napkins or did I need to mix and match.  What am I doing?  We are having a party after Thanksgiving and I have been trying to get the yard done.  I have spent too much money and it is not finished.  My husband said it doesn't matter.  I looked at the pictures with a friend and said there is that fake smile.  I hate being fake.  What is the price to look good and get the admiration of others?  I went walking with a friend and as we climbed the hills I hurt my knee again.  It had just gotten well.  That leaves the gym out I had planned on getting a few pounds off.

The Spirit is so convicting me that I don't want to have the picture perfect holiday that those talented and gifted bloggers have that are wonderful, that I come up short all the time when I compare myself to others.  They are young and smart and I am sagging in the face and way behind.  Gained too much weight and reading about how much vitamin D I need to take to lose weight for the holidays?  What am I doing?

I have returned to the law.  To trying to impress and feel good about myself and my appearance and life.  I don't have any major problems right now and I think God is good and loving.  How about last year when I was psychotic and my family couldn't be together at Thanksgiving.  I was treated like a house patient to get me well.  It seemed all my freedoms were taken away and I was mad about it.  Until I went out on the porch and began to talk to God.  I said Lord I am going to sit here with you until I am thankful.  I started thinking of small things asking the Spirit to help me, my breath as I exhale and inhale.  The trees I was staring at.  The food I had had for dinner.  On and on I went until my heart was full of thanksgiving.  I went inside and was so thankful for a family that would care for me and help me get well.  I was thankful for the time I had with them.

The Lord has rescued me and brought me home.  A holiday without love and thankfulness is one without Jesus invited into the dwelling place of your home and family.  I am so broken over what I have done to my life once again.  I want it to be about Jesus, who we can have in our home to love and encourage.  I want to take the mask off and relate and have compassion.  Why do I want the acceptance of others when the Father approves of me because of what Jesus has done for me.  That is what puts a smile on my face and a song in my heart.

 Is it true that my body is wasting away but I am being renewed day by day on the inside.  Do I have the joy and peace of the Lord that nothing can take away and is my love for Him and others growing and growing?  The question comes to me can I be well and not be in some kind of hard suffering and still worship my God?  All I know is I want to try.  I ask myself.  Do I know how to live dependent, happy and stress free without being hard pressed??  Lets see Lord.  Home is where the heart is.  Where Jesus is.  Where family and friends and strangers are.  Home is where there is love.  Home is a babe in manger.  Home is us to the Spirit.  Home is heaven and I cannot wait but until then thank you Lord for bringing me home, once again.  The gift I need this Christmas is Jesus and His grace and to remember He, it is already mine.