Monday, September 29, 2014

Thinking of yourself less

For the last few weeks I have been thinking what to write and it seemed nothing would come to me.  I wondered if I was just to stop writing for awhile and I still might.  I have ask my daughter to write some and she may.  Usually thoughts just come like pearls rolling around on the floor and I simply string them together.  I am doing really well mentally and I wonder if that is why I have no obsessive thoughts.  Some people on meds don't take them because they feel it keeps them from having gifts and talents.  Lots of talented people are mentally ill.  It is no surprise.  My daughter said so mom had you rather be talented and crazy or not and mentally sound.  Well of course I hated to see the gift of my writing go but there was no choice.  I loved having a sound mind after these few last months.  My doctor said my writing may change.  But I may still write.  I was very me focused and what did God want me to do now that my writing may end.

I thought of some other times I was me focused when I was in grade school.  I thought of first grade and my blue and white checked glasses and short hair.  Then there was junior hight school, when I had a cast on my leg and trying to walk upstairs.  Then as I entered high school and had a blemish on my face I was sure everyone was looking at and I knew would leave a huge scar.  These times did past and I was not the focus of my thoughts anymore.

Now the things that can bring me into focus is when I am suffering and times are hard.  I tend to look inward.  When I am wanting my own way and won't give up control.  When I am insecure and don't remember who I am and doubt everything about me.  When I wonder how I am living this christian life and if I am a success or failure.  I am worried about me.

I think of Peter, when Jesus called him out onto walk on the water.  It seemed impossible but he did begin to walk until he looked down, at his circumstances and to see how he was doing and he began to sink.  Jesus reached out for Peter.

C. S. Lewis said humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinkings of yourself less.  I use to put myself down all the time.  I had an overly sensitive conscience.  I thought I was always wrong.  I was afraid to fail.  I was not trusting God and I didn't know who I was in Christ and what He had done for me.  Oh I knew it in my head but not in my heart.  Not where I live every day.  I did not possess the things that would give me a humble confidence but I was filled with fear upon fear.  I seek the approval of others.

As I remember it is no longer I who live but Christ who lives in me, I remember it is the life of Christ that is living through me by His Spirit.  The same Spirit that lives in Jesus and the Father.  I am forever forgiven.  I am righteous with the righteousness of Christ.  I am loved with an unconditional love.  God is never disappointed in me because Jesus life is mine.  He is always for me and when He looks at me He sees the goodness of Jesus covered me.  He will be faithful to me no matter how I struggle and He will finish the work He has begun in me.  I am His most treasured creation.  A prize possession.  His grace is on display through me and I am to let it shine and give Him my best by trusting in His Son and His finished work on the cross for me.  He will never, ever let me go no matter how I blow it or how little faith I have because He declared it as finished.  I will receive the prize which is Jesus one day and when I see Him face to face I will be like Him.

When I realize these things I am focused on Jesus and the Fathers love for me and His Spirit.  I am thinking more of others than myself and how I can serve and love them.  I have faded into the shadow  of the background because I am secure in who I am in Him and His love for  me.  I no longer seek the approval of others but seek to please my Father by trusting in His Son.  My doubts turn to faith.  My limitations don't make me feel inferrer but I embrace them and stay within my limits.  My ugliness then becomes white as snow.  My sins are forgiven and forgotten.  My hopelessness becomes hope filled.  My weakness becomes His strength.  My independence becomes dependent on Him. My isolation seeks community. Things that are big become small.  My striving becomes like rest.  My failures become losses I was never meant to have. They point me to my need for my Savior.   He is my treasure.  Others cares are my hearts desire.  It becomes broken as I repent of my pride.  I no longer seek perfectionism but beauty.  I celebrate others instead of endure them.   And life is full of peace and joy, Him.