Monday, September 15, 2014

I fall down again...

 Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)
Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out;
you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out,
you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared
before I’d even lived one day.

Last week was suicide prevention week.  Someone dies, they say, ever 40 seconds of suicide.  Little is said and we are quick do nothing at all, because we don't know what to do.  One in four struggle with mental health and this explains a lot, but most of us have struggled one time or another with wanting to just give up.  We don't know how to deal with the pain in our lives so we seek relief.  Suicide is not the answer.

After I began to bring ever fear captive the fears stopped but, some thoughts, not good ones came.  I felt it was warfare, but my meds were not working.  I said with every bad thought, I praise God that my sins are forgiven.  A friend and I prayed.  The thoughts left but not the continual struggle.  Then it was like I was just struggling all the time, to keep my thoughts at bay.  I called my doc and made an appointment.  I told him something was wrong and I couldn't keep calling the office.  I didn't think my med were working and I knew he had tried before, but I wanted to try some nutritional things.  I have been on this med for 20 almost years.  My legs were swelling.  He tapered me off and started a new med to me and started me with supplements, exercise and diet to hopefully limit the amount of med I am on and effectiveness.  I cannot tell you how wonderful I am doing.  I have a clear mind most all the time, but maybe a couple of times I have struggled,  right before it is due to take the med.  It was, is, all of grace to me.

I wish everyone could see how God is not just at the center of our faith and relationships but He is the center of every part of our life, our soul and heart, which is how we live.  Even how we deal with our health issues whether it is mental health or not.  How are we receiving our bad health?  What is God doing or wanting to teach us.  Are we depending on Him and trusting Him with even poor health?  Do we believe Gods hand is in everything thing in my life and that He is sovereign over all?  What are our hearts condition as a response to our poor health?  Anxieties, depression, lack of functional ability, family issues with it.  What are we believing in and trusting in our good health?  Do we hold this life loosely?  But at the same time value it and live it to the fullest?  How we respond to difficult circumstances is a reflection of what is going on in our heart.  You may have heard the mentally ill are weak but in reality they are way to strong, with their own strength.  God wants us dependent on Him and not ourselves and be strong with the strength of His Spirit not our selves.

I don't know when I have struggled more than these last few months.  It just didn't get any better but seemed harder and didn't quit, well much.  My flesh dealt with wanting to quit, whatever that means.  I was just discouraged and tired and didn't know what to do, so I wanted to do nothing.  My suffering seemed to keep me mostly self focused.  Not thinking of those I love.  But because of Jesus perseverance and His Spirit living in me I kept falling down but getting back up.  I had to rise above the darkness, but I couldn't on my own.  It was torture because of the nature of it all and my lack of control.  I wouldn't want to go back but wouldn't give anything for all the fears, paranoia, obsessiveness, doubts, and what God taught me through it all and how I have seen so much in my life.  I am so thankful and grateful He is in charge and I am not.  Thankful also for a clear head now and moving forward in this life He has so graciously blessed me with.  The one I needed, to depend more and more on Him.  May I continue to look to Him as my righteousness and know I may never get things together, but I have been showered by grace and so I press on, not because it depends on me, but because He lives in me and I no longer live but Christ lives in me.  Now I am thinking I feel great and want to do everything I want.  I have to learn to embrace my limitations and try to enjoy life that God has given to me with a thankful heart.  Be wise and discerning about what I take on and what I don't.  Our health is precious.  Life is precious.  But I fall down and He picks me back up again.

I once had a friend who was moving across the country to be a missionary.  She later said, but my heart went with me.  We think if we can just get the right circumstance our life will be different.  It is nice not to have intrusive thoughts, but my heart was revealed in the midst of things going, what I thought was, all wrong.  But I now see, it was all right, for this time in my life.  God is always right on time.  So I encourage you, to not give up, but to depend on God.  To persevere with His perseverance.  Tell someone who is struggling God has a plan for His children.  That we have purpose and love and value and worth.  That this life is a gift and you care.  If you are the one struggling reach out to someone today and don't stop until you find someone who will listen.  You are created in the imagine of God and you are loved.  You are His most prized creation.  God is our comfort, peace and our joy.  It is through Him that we find the love, peace, value and comfort we so long for.  It is not a running from, but a running to, to Him.  Love finds its way to us, so we can find our way to each other, Bob Goff.  All of grace.