After spending several hours with the Lord this morning, listening, praying, thinking and meditating and reading and searching through scripture I think I know where my fears have come from.
Many years ago now I did a discipleship course. In the course it said we all have two theologies, what we believe about God. The one we have in our head, we are taught, and the one we have in our heart, the one we live by, out of. They are not necessarily the same. The goal is to get the right theology about our belief in God from the bible and in our head to our heart. To determine what theology we are living out of and believing on a day in and day out basis. This can take a lot of listening to your thoughts that come into your head and the way you behave, your fears. What you spend the most time thinking about or even a fleeting thought that may shoot through your mind and you wonder...is that from my heart or the world, flesh or evil? Someone can help you find out your functional theology by asking good questions and listening to the things you say and you don't say.
We are warned many times over do not fear in scripture. Fear is a sin of unbelief as is all sin. It is not believing God is who scripture says He is, that He is good to me or that He loves me and is for me. You can have mixed emotions and beliefs. Lord I believe, help my unbelief. What are you living out of? How is God trying to strengthen and even maybe testing my faith?
Somehow in my way of thinking, which I didn't realize, I was believing if God is who He says He is and loves me why has my family had so much suffering all our lives. Where was God? If He is good and loves me where was He when all these bad things happened to us? Was He with me? I had no idea this was the basis of my fears but I do believe it was, thinking and pondering these things. What evil meant for bad God meant for good. The fiery darts were there and it was a testing of my faith. A growing of it even.
As I respectfully told the Lord my doubts, asking Him to strengthen and grow my faith. He is patient and good and kind with His children. Verse after verse came to mind of how we were promised to not loose heart but join in the suffering of Christ. To take up our cross and follow Him. The way of following Christ is through suffering. How we will have tribulation and do not lose heart. We were promised to suffer and to join Christ in His suffering to know Him. That we will share in His glory one day and this present suffering is beyond comparison to the glory to be revealed. That nothing will separate us and He will never leave us. That He walks with us through the valleys. We are trophies of His grace Tim Keller said. We will be on display for Heaven to see what Jesus has done for and in us. It will be a great day.
There is no way for us to know the mind of God and why we suffer but some ways are known to us, for His glory, for the gospel, to depend and trust in Him and grow in faith, as a test of our faith, for our good. We are told in John 16:33 that we will have tribulation but we will have peace and not to lose heart because Jesus has overcome the world.
My doctor said I was also getting better. God uses the medicine for those who need it, counselor and doctor as well as His Word, friends the body of Christ and the most powerful Gospel. Jesus is our hope and foundation. God works it all for good for those who love Him and are called according to His purpose and for His glory. Our trust is in God alone.
When God breathes there is life, into dust, into dry bones, into His Word. Jesus is the Word. Gods Word is God breathed. It has His life to give to us if we just believe it. God loves us and chose us to be in His family and nothing can separate us from His love. He is so for His children and is always working for their good, redeeming, changing into the likeness of His Son, until we see Him face to face. In this world we will have suffering and God is with us as nothing can separate us from Him nor His love. He is a rewarder of those who diligently seek Him. Those who seek will find. My heart began to sing the music of the gospel again and I worshiped with thanksgiving Gods mercy and goodness to me. It all was so clear. I may still struggle with a well mind and the thoughts but the fear is gone for now...So I listen for the whisper that I am His and that it is finished.
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