If you have been reading the blog for very long, you know I have been really struggling for weeks now. I went to the doctor and after him questioning me, he said I was depressed. Clinically I might add. I needed help to get out of it.
There is a pit deeper than depression and it is one of self pity. I recognized the night before that is where I had landed. It is hard, when hard situations persist and don't get any better for awhile. It is a walking, falling down, getting up and walking again by faith. I prayed all the right prayers but found myself sluggish and a pull toward my bed, letting other things so, no matter how hard I tried.
My doctor said I had done a really good job fighting the fearful thoughts, that my depression brought out in me. I could have relapsed into worse. Some people have intrusive thoughts of shame and guilt. My doctor said, you laugh a lot and cause others to laugh. You are others focused. You tell yourself the fears are a lie and I would tell myself the truth, or go to a friend with them. I needed others in my life. Because of the fearful thoughts the depression was unrecognizable to me. I should have recognized the symptoms. I knew them but it can be so blinding. I have shared with a few, my family, counselor and doctor so they can help me. I knew I was not to isolate so I met with a friend every other day most days. I made myself focus on others and not myself. Depression is an inward looking. I knew I wanted to give to others. We have to decide how we do this best according to our giftedness, but we also have to receive, not just give. I tend to give all I have got and get burned out and quit. I give all or nothing. It is an extreme. The Spirit brings balance. It can be a humbling thing to ask for help. I am not talking about taking advantage of someone but someone who can come along side you in your walk of faith when you maybe struggling. We need the body of Christ. We need each other. We need community. A small village to gather round us and us them.
We cannot give if we have not received from God. We look to another person to meet our need of being needed. We give out of an emptiness instead of out of a fullness. We love because God first loved us. Our intimate, personal time with Him and walking by the Spirit through out our day enables us to do, by grace, what we cannot do, and to love in ways, we cannot love. Also to be humble enough to say I need your help. Could you help me. It is a picture of grace the Lord extends to us and we to others and them to us. It is a gift out of a heart of love. This is why I write. To give to others, to point them to Jesus and to glorify Him in my life. It is not to get compliments. As a matter of fact compliments are hard for me. I have had to learn how to receive them graciously too. That it is people loving and caring about me. I have learned it does not undo me loving and giving to them. It is a love relationship between brothers and sisters. It is humbling to say thank you. That means a lot. It is Jesus in me, not me.
But Jesus brings us more and more into who we really are. To accept a compliment and give Him the glory is a good thing. He is about placing goodness and love for Him and each other in our lives. So today my glass is half full not half empty. I am better. I see pleasure in writing to you and for tomorrow. I see pleasure in being His and enjoying this life He has so graciously given me. I thank God for the graces and prayers of people and things in my life that make me better. He is my hope and you are my friend. He walks with us through it all. He sticks closer than a brother, Jesus our Friend.