Tuesday, August 12, 2014

Suffering in Silence

For almost 3 weeks things have been hard.  I have written about the fears and thoughts.  After getting in touch with my doctor I went back on a medicine I had originally been for some some time and done well with.  We decided to go back on it.  It has made me feel very sedated.  I have had to pray for Gods strength to be able to have the energy to do the things I want to do.  It has been hard feeling like I have been sleeping my days away.  I had another call to my doctor and we readjusted my meds. We will have to wait and see.

I have also been bringing Gods truth to light with my fears and sharing them with a friend.  This helped a great deal.  My mind still obsesses at times.  And sometimes Gods just rescues me in one way or another.  It maybe to draw me to His heart.

Then yesterday came the news of Robin Williams.  It hit me and I know some of you hard. My heart goes out to the family and friends.  He will be missed by all as he brought laughter to a sometimes sad face.  It seems he suffered in silence.  I did this for a long time.  A shame because of the mental illness and the stigma even from the church in general.  That I had lack of faith or sin in my heart.  So I kept it a secret as long as I could.  Once I came out in the open I found nothing but support from my family and friends.  They have tried to educated themselves and be supportive in any way possible.  They have had to put up with my ups and downs, my quirks, my dysfunctions and moods while worrying about me all the time.

There is a difference in being sad and having a depressing couple of days and being clinically depressed when you probably need help to pull yourself out of it.  Educate yourselves on the difference if you or someone you love are struggle with a lengthy depressed state where you have no hope at all.  Many times the suffering person has a pull just to isolate in their pain.

I now have a team that helps me keep healthy, my family, my friends from church and others, my counselor, my doctor, my NAMI educational meeting and support group and my pharmacists.  It takes a village to keep me well.  We cannot stay well and be isolated from others and be judged.  The government needs to come a long way in helping.  The jails and streets are loaded with the mentally ill.  We hear of things that happen as a result of this illness.  It seems to be growing or we are just learning more about it.

There is much that can be done.  We need to have good counsel from a counselor or others and we need the body of Christ in our lives.  We need to be educated and support for us and our family.  We need to see what we can do to come along side others and give them the resources they need and not run from the illness but run into help.  It is a silent killer of lives and people living functional happy lives.

I praise God for how He has used my mental illness in my life to teach me more about Him.  To become more dependent on Him and to trust Him even more.  I cannot hide my sin because my thoughts and my life is so magnified.  My struggles are just out there.  My self righteousness has met it match.  I know how much I need Jesus and His grace just to make it.  But I am so thankful for how it has drawn my friends and my family even closer to each other and to Him because we need each other and Christ to make it.  So even my suffering has been used in ways for me to tell of His goodness and faithfulness to me and I am thankful.  God has used it to give us all compassion for others in many ways.  We know perseverance like never before.  There is hope.  There is help.