Thursday, January 2, 2014

The Voices Danced in my Head

2 Cor. 12:9
"My grace is enough; it's all you need.
My strength comes into its own in your weakness"

To be very honest, when I relapsed 4 months ago I was mad as spit.  I was mad at myself and yes, I guess even God.  I had just had the best year of my life as far as living life and loving and enjoying my family and people.  And as far as God?  Well He allowed it all didn't He?  He is in control.

I was determined I would grow throw this set back.  I would come out of this stronger than when I entered into it.  I wasn't sure how but thoughts ran through my head.  I can't drive, be on the computer or phone, watch television, which was no loss to me but the other things were.  I could not read, go to church. Do bible studies.  It seemed to me everything I enjoyed doing I couldn't do and I was mad about it.  More determined than ever I planned my strategy.  I will be with my family more.  I wrote hard copy letters to pastors, friends and my family.  I would get some hobbies, learn to be more creative.  This disease was not going to get the best of me.  I would not give up.

What I didn't realize at the time God had his own agenda.  One of the things He was going to teach me was how to pray.  In my younger years I had a set devotional time, prayer times, study time.  Since then I gave all that up.  I thought it to be restrictive and legalistic.  I began to meditate on scripture, pray continually daily throughout my day.  It was like in my relationship with my husband saying I will be with you during the day but why should we ever go out.  So I decided I would have my list of people to pray for.  My prayer life and passion for others grew.  I began to have times of thanksgiving.  Even when I didn't feel thankful I would begin to thank Him for anything and everything, my breath, my food, the sun and moon and my heart would begin to be thankful.  So I was ok with this.

But then...
The voices began to dance in my head again.  How could it be that I would relapse again.  I thought I was over it again!  I admitted Lord I don't know how to pray.  I need your Spirit to teach me.  The Lords prayer came to my mind.  I got down on my knees by my sofa and tears began to stream down my face and I began to pray that prayer this way.

Dear Abba, Daddy, Father,
I pray to the Father in heaven and in my heart.  Not the psychotic voices of god in my head, but to the One true God.'

I honor you Lord, I lift your name on high.  I worship you for who you are.  I began to think.

May everything come under you Headship.

I trust you Lord, and I took a deep breath, even if you allow my sickness again and again, I trust you. Even if the voices never leave for good you will never leave me.  By this time I was sobbing.

As I plan this day Lord, I hold it lightly.  Bring who and what you will into my life.

Forgive me Lord.  Fight my battles.  I just can't fight any more.  I give myself to you Lord.

I want your glory in my life.  I need you.  I need your strength and power to live this life.  I am tired and I just can't make things work anymore.

Where did this heart of surrender come from.  It was the very heart of Jesus.  God had so planned before time, in His mercy that I would struggle with this dreadful disease.  I am going to do all I can to be well but I just have to give it all, myself, my life to Him.  I can't make it work or stop.  I never could.

I am by nature a very self reliant, very strong woman.   God, in His mercy,  is teaching how to be weak and dependent on Him.  We are told over and over He is our strength.  This illness is like Pauls thorn in the flesh.  It is something God has given me to humble me.  Dare I keep fighting it or do I say with Paul...yes your grace is sufficient for me?  Your power is made perfect in my weakness.  Not my will but thy will be done.

Paul continued in reply to God's promise, His gift of mercy:
Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen.  I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift.  It was a case of Christ's strength moving in on my weakness.  Now I take limitations in stride, and will good cheer, these limitations that cut me down to size-abuse, accidents, opposition, bad breaks.  I just let Christ take over!  And so the weaker I get, the stronger I become.