Many of you have read how I just had a psychotic relapse about 5 months ago. It took me by surprise because I had such a great year last year. I could not imagine that I could be so sick so fast. For those of you who have not read, Danny was given an honor by Clemson, the Ring of Honor. Our friend, Paul Brown, a reporter, called me a few days later and ask me if he could do an interview with me for a radio program he does. I love Paul and knew it would be a safe place to start doing things like interviews again. I thought it would be fun.
We talked for about two hours, two radio programs. Then, in the days to come, I began thinking of more things I had not thought of in years. I began writing here the Interview. I relapsed and I hit bottom hard and fast. I have just now realized why. I went yesterday to have a birthday lunch with my two friends, Martha and Sheila, and I decided to share my story with them. There was something that had bothered me over the years but yet I never had spoken of them fully to anyone. I knew yesterday now is the time. This must come out in the open. I must reveal my secrets to someone safe, who loved me. This is why I got sick, writing about this and I knew I have to deal with it to be free. I began...
When I was pregnant with our first child we were living in Tuscaloosa and Danny had finished his masters degree. He was looking for a job so I decided to go live with mother and daddy so I could get with a doctor and stay with him until the delivery of the baby. Coach Bryant told Danny about two weeks before the baby was due that there needed to be some recruiting around Gadsden, where we were from. Since my going to moms, Coach Bryant offered Danny a job and he would be doing recruiting and over the offensive line, but I decided to stay with mom and my doctor. There really was no recruiting that needed to be done. Coach Bryant just wanted Danny to be able to be with me. (Since then I was able to share this with Mrs. Bryant after coaches death).
I remember Danny going recruiting that morning and mom and dad off to work. I thought, this baby needs to hurry along. I did a lot of walking and some exercises I thought might hurry the baby along. From that time on the baby was very active. Then there was no movement. The next morning I had some symptoms that made my mom suspicious and she took me immediately to the doctor. The doctor said the baby was still born and we would need to induce labor. I ask him if I needed to carry the baby longer to ensure we could have another child. He said no. The baby was born dead weighing 8'10oz. A otherwise healthy brunette baby boy. I shared what I had done and the doctor reassured it was not possible I had harmed the baby.
As I shared this with my friends, my friend said, Lee our son, was also born with the cord around his neck several times. Without monitoring we might have lost Lee. My friend said her doctor told her to do such exercises. The first boy had a membrane tied in a knot around the cord. The movement was the struggle in his death. My friend said this was inherited. I said Sheila, "I know you are trying to reassure me but I know I caused the death of my child and I must be forgiven". Both my friends loved me and listened patiently as I bore my guilt and shame. But I knew where I had to go and what I needed to do to be free. For me it was the "Potters Place". This was my next step to freedom.
One of the cabins at the Potter's Place
I shared with my friends I had visited a place nearby called the Potters Place and they had a grieving pool. That I was going to visit there and I was going to let go. As I drove up, Gods owners of the Potter House, had driven up. Don got out of the car and said, "what timing". I said did you have to go somewhere. He said to get the stone and the paint. I began to sob and Don just held me and let me cry.
I had not named our first child. Danny and I wanted to name him Jr. and when he was born we decided we may have another son and we wanted his name to be after Danny. I could not just stick a name on him so we didn't name him. His marker is baby boy Ford. When I wrote about it a few months ago I gave our son a name. I named him my madden name "Anderson". I decided everybody needed the dignity of a name. Our child had gone 46 years in heaven without a name and I was going to name him. It was not recommended I go to the funeral because of my health so now was to be my time with Anderson and the Lord.
Our child was given a name with dignity
I fell into Dons arms and wept. He held me and said we weep with you. I got into the car and Shannon also hugged and wept with me. I wrote Anderson's name on the rock and we headed for the grieving pool. She said, "decide where you would like to place the rock, Anderson". There were other rocks there of women's babies who had been aborted. I had no idea today is the anniversary of Roe vs. Wade where over 56 million babies have been aborted since. I placed the rock and Shannon prayed with me. I ask for forgiveness and we cried.
It was a good cry. I had been healed. Anderson had received his name in heaven and I was forgiven, as I had already been. The shame was gone and I was whole. This secret that had haunted me for 46 years was put to death.
"Even when trouble stops our ears and clouds our vision, He goes on working in secret and perhaps years later reveals what we had not faith to lay hold of." Elizabeth Elliot
I don't know what your shame or loss has been but I want to invite you, if you have no place to go, to come to the grieving pool at the Potters House with me, I will take you there right here, right now. If you had an abortion or feel responsible for the death of your child or someone, maybe someone you didn't get to ask for forgiveness before they died. I don't know your particular situation but God knows. Share it with a friend. Shame loves secrets. Satan loves secrets. Jesus is the light. Where there is light there cannot be darkness. Jesus forgives us and bore our shame. We are to live in light and love and freedom and peace and joy no matter what our circumstances. Did you know you can have joy and grieve? It is because we know our King has come and He is in control and He loves us more that this heart of mine or yours can comprehend. Yes more than we love our own child or loved one. It is an amazing love. Come out into the open to a life of freedom and honesty with me. I am praying for you now. May the forgiveness and peace of Christ be with you my friend. It is an amazing place to be in the presence and love and forgiveness and provision of our Savior. Let Him heal your broken heart now.
The grieving pool...
Down stream and a sitting area...
I also let go of my mom...
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