We come from a family of long line, full of winners. Why should that day be any different. Oh I wouldn't have said it, but looking back, I see it full well. As usual, of a overly sensitive person, I got my feelings hurt. Then when a quick apology didn't come. When things weren't seen my way. I had to prove my point. I had to be the winner. I forgot all I had known and my pride got in the way.
When you are in the heat of a moment, where does your heart go? Does it go to prove your point. To be right? To bring up past wrongs and defend, excuse, blame shift and ignore the other persons points. Do I listen or only think of what I am going to say next? Is there a time when winning is losing and losing is winning.
My husband and I had a conflict. Life is made of those between people. Even those who love each other. Do we fight fair or hit below the belt? Words will never hurt me, is just not true. We women can so disrespect our husbands and husbands can so not love their wives, that we can cut to the bone. This is unfortunate, we have to learn through failing but repentance and asking for forgiveness is a way of growing through convict and becoming actually better and closer than ever. Not that we want to forget how to love our mates, but when we do, there is a way of redemption. But the healing may take time.
It is a sure work of the Spirit when I don't defend myself. Well it is a work of the Spirit, to show me my sin, when I don't. I had rather not dishonor my husband and not have my own way. I had rather trust God to work in his heart and mine. To work through our conflicts, without taking out the knife of our words.
The night was hard. The next morning, all I could do, was say what a bad night last night was. I regretted it so bad, but somehow I needed to do more than just ask for forgiveness. My husband looks for change. This time was no different. Change me oh Lord and have mercy. Give me the grace to do and be what I cannot be.
The mail came. It was an invitation for my husband to possibly host a cruise. I said who you going with. He said I was going to ask you. What a surprise of grace from my husband and the good Lord. I had not earned it, but it was a gift, freely given. Of course he loved me and this, was only one way he chose to show me. How could I doubt it? Our life together was evidence of it. Our commitment to one another and the things we had been together, good and hard. I don't know what will happen with the cruise, but I do know, to be the one my husband wants to go with, is worth the lesson I learned that day.
Later that day, he was on the phone. I rounded the corner and he said, "I have to go, my beautiful wife just walked up". My how our words can heal and encourage, even change. Or how they can tare down our loved ones and hurt.
It appeared to many that Jesus dying on the cross, was defeat. He appeared to have lost. But many who believed this saw, that the way of Jesus is through humility. Through loving others enough to lay your life down for them. Through loosing your life, for Jesus sake, is to find it. It is valuing others more than yourselves. It is out serving one another. It is loving, even when it means dying, even when it hurts. It is listening instead of always having a right answer. It is taking first the plank out of your eye so you can see the speak in a others eye. It is knowing you are the biggest sinner in the room because, your sin put Jesus on the cross. It is only from this place of humility can you remember how to love someone else, by the love the Father has for you.
How do we doubt the Fathers love for us? Sending His one and only son, the cross, is the evidence of it. Anytime you doubt, I doubt, look to Jesus.
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