Wednesday, January 14, 2015

When Time Turns Around

Many years ago I went to an FCA meeting and heard Elizabeth Elliott speak.  I remember several things about that night but one is, when she said, when you don't know what to do, just do the next thing.  There were many times, I would get overwhelmed with my husbands job duties for a wife, 4 children and all that went with community, church and school.  I would stop running around and putting out fires, it seemed, and just... do the next thing.

Jump with me now, to something that has been wonderful in your life.  You felt Gods leading there, you grew, others seemed to benefit too, but then there was a gentle nudge from the Lord to change directions.  You try to close the door, but it is too difficult.  It means, and the people mean, too much to you.  It is a place of security and comfort.  A place you are loved and ministered to and you grow in many ways in dependence on God, so you do nothing.  Time passes and the nudge and thoughts come to mind again.  You ignore them once again.  Then good seems to turn to bad.  The door is shut and there seems no wise decision but to move on.  When you hurt the ones you love it is time to change directions.

I have seen counselors, had mentors, taken classes, had pastors for many years.  I think it was a sense of safety for me.  I felt secure and safe knowing what the best thing to do was.  I was always trying to figure God out, what He was doing and what I should do, to make my life work.  I was information overload and weak faith.  Oh I had faith in certain areas but when it got down to the plan God had for my life...  I had my own plan.  It was far and between would I say, Your will be done Lord, not mine.  I would get a plan in my head.  I would go full throttle ahead and pray for it to happen.  It occurred to me, once before in my life, that my idea might not be what God was doing in my life.

I have been center stage all my life.  I always wanted to be loved and approved of and accepted and thought, I had to know more, do better for that to happen.  If I messed up enough they would leave me and maybe even God, when I was sick...It is no reflection on those around me.  It was the bent in me since I was born.  I wanted to do something great for God.  I wanted to make a difference in the world.  I was trying to get value instead of my value being in Christ.  His righteousness was not enough for me.  I was indeed trying to save myself by my knowledge and beauty and the beauty went and the mental illness came and it devastated me as it interrupted my plans for my life.  I had become the lowest of low as far as the worlds sigma said.  Even the christian world had thoughts about it that were a load to carry as a christian.

So now, some doors are closing and I ask God, what do I do now Lord.  Not out of too much to do but too little... I hear a gentle whisper from years the next thing.  I may become more insignificant, but in Gods eyes I am the apple of His eye.  He will never, never, never, never, never leave me and nothing can separate me from His love.  So today Lord, I live in the moment with you.  I may sleep until the meds are right and struggle just to get a shower, but I am valuable in you Jesus.  I am over flowing with His love and blessing as my heart is brought into submission with His will and enjoying Him more than I have ever before in the smallest of things.  Submission brings freedom.  The fullness of Christ is the joy set before Him, I am that and He is mine.  I no longer want His glory but to just be near Him.  He really can guide me through out my day and I still can bring Him glory as I look to Him, depend and enjoy Him and rest in what He has done instead of me.  So my life has turned around and upside down.  I am not who I thought I was nor would I do what I hoped but God has something better in mind.  It is me trusting and enjoying Him through out my day no matter what that looks like. If I fail to lean on Him, He is waiting still for my return.   His vastness has bent down and kissed me on the cheek.  My child I love you.

So now my husband is my mentor, my friends my disciples, the Spirit my counselor and Jesus my value and Rescuer and God my Father.  Is it too late just to focus on my marriage, seek to love those in my world today and rejoice in the love and acceptance and the peace that brings in this moment.  Whatever I chose to do today, I can bring glory and enjoy God.  My work is not done but His is.  So I persevere with great expectation of my Lord.  Love says I have seen the ugly parts of you and I am staying...Matt Chandler.  He, God, loves the unlovely...that is me!