Wednesday, March 12, 2014

Once Again, The Rescue

But when Jesus heard this, He said, “It is not those who are healthy who need a physician, but those who are sick.

Yesterday was a particularly hard day.  Someone I had been meeting with and had fallen in love with, who was in so much pain and struggled beyond words, left the very help that they needed, on the long journey back home.  I prayed for their return.  I prayed for their safety.  I prayed they remembered my love for them and the love of God for them.  I prayed they remember His faithfulness to them.  I pray they can survive it all and that He, our God, rescues them.

Then it seemed I went through one rejection after the other one.  As soon as I would recover from one rejection there would come another.  I prayed, "Lord I set this person free.  I forgive them".  I know that no one knew rejection like you knew rejection.  You feel my pain.  I come to you for comfort.  I knew the words in my head but my heart was hurting and there was no rescue.

I thought about the smooth taste of the wine.  How it was my best friend.  How I would go there with her night after night for solace and care and comfort.  I wanted to drink.  As bad as I have wanted anything in a long time.  I wanted to go there with her and just cry and cry.  I wanted to drown my sorrows.  I longed for the things, the lies of the bottle,  that it was promising me.  There was no one around so I made a few calls.

One friend suggested I forgive my offenders even if they did not know they had offended me.  She said,  Jesus knows and feels your pain.  He knows the pain of rejection.  Go then and enjoy God and I did.  I went out and picked some flowers.  I took one step after another.  Put one foot in front of the other.  I got out my new pillows, blew off my screened in porch where I spend many hours with others and the Lord. I placed pictures of my family under the glass on the table, remembering each one.  I said Lord I just want to be with you and enjoy you.  I had some relief and forgot the pain for awhile...Then I had to sit down again and the pain was still there.  It was so great it felt unbearable.  I saw my sin of wanting the approval of man over the blessing and already approved of, by God.  My heart felt the weight of it all and I felt all alone and again, only the bottle seemed to make any sense. What do you do when things get no better?  When the pain just won't go away?  Where do you run?  Who will rescue you?

I could feel myself spiraling.  I text another friend and told them of my struggle.  She recommended I call a friend in AA. I did.  I told her all I wanted to do was to have one glass of wine and cry.  Of course I knew that over time one glass would not be enough.  It might not be today or one year later but there would come a time when one was not enough and it would take more and more to satisfy the unquenchable thirst of the pain, on the bottle.  The forgetting would need more.  The numbing of the pain would cry for more to be sedated.   My friend told me to remember what my life was like back then, with my friend, my glass of wine.  I remembered the isolation.  I remembered the chaos it brought into my life.  That my world use to be centered around 5:00.  That I would prearrange my day so I could get alone and have my wine all to myself.  I had no life.  My depression and my drinking was consuming my every bit of energy and mind that I had.  It sucked the life from me.  This is where the addict gets stuck.  They cannot more outside the walls of their pain.  It is comfortable for them.  It is a vicious cycle to wallow in the pain and yet numb or comfort them selves, deaden the pain within them.  I took a long walk with Sarah, my sons fiancé', had dinner with them and then back to do a teaching webinar with Rick Thomas on counseling.  I was faced once again with the love and care of the counsel of Jesus.

It was like a light went on. My insanity became sane.  I didn't want to go back to that life, no life.  I wanted to be with people and live and love. I didn't want to deaden the pain or isolate any more.  I wanted to give of myself and not protect myself.  I wanted to be with my real friends and not the illusion that there could be another more comforting, more safe. I wanted to be healed.  I want to point others, sick to the Great Healer, the Great Physician.

 Love is risky.  We are going to feel pain and rejection and hurt.  We are going to hurt each other.  Sometimes it is hard to love.  It requires more of us than we want to give but give we must if we are going to survive.  If we are going to play this game of life and enjoy it to the fullest.  It is a risky business.  There are times it can take all and give nothing in return.  But there is a love that expects nothing in return.  He gives and gives and gives some more.  It is as Billy Grahams grandson writes, Tullian, a One Way Love.

I woke this morning 4:30 and the steady drops of rain hitting the metal gutters of my house gave me the effects of rain on a tin roof.  I sat on my screened in porch listening to the rain and just feeling the midst in the air.  I was in His presence and had a keen sense of His love for me.  It was like He said...even if you had drank last night I would still love you.  Even if you had spiraled in the pool of pain in your rejection and didn't come out, I would still love you.  Even if you were more concerned about the approval of man instead of my approval I would still love you.  The tears running down my cheeks now seemed to match those rain drops running off the roof.  I wiped my eyes and said but I want to love you back Lord.  I feel so inadequate to love you.  Help me to receive your love so I can give it back to you.  Help me to love others, as you are giving me this love which knows no bounds.  This love that expects nothing in return.  I want to love and be well.  I want to spend this day in your presence, honoring and glorifying you throughout my day.  I need you Lord.  Thank you for your rescue and deliverance.  Thank you for your mercy and grace.  I need you now.  Fill me with your Spirit.  Help me tell others about this unbelievable love you have for me and others.  Help me to love others with your One Way Love.  I seek you now...Once again I had been rescued.  I had been saved and I would tell about it and give Him the glory for what He has done for me.