For the past two years I have been asking my Father to show me His love for me. I grew in knowledge that He loved me but I hadn't received the truth in my heart. I would disciple myself with verses like...you have the perfect record of Christ put in you. It is not you. It is Christ living in and through you. Die to yourself. Surrender to God. When God looks at you He sees Jesus. These are wonderful truths but to me they were religious talk. And I was writing them over and over trying to get them to sink into my soul. Somehow in these verses alone I was not getting that God loved me. I felt like yelling, "I know He loves Jesus but does He love me"? I have to know that deeper and wider than I have ever known it before.
My life was not reflecting what I was saying. If I was completely honest my heart was condemning me. I was down on myself all the time. Talking or thinking about my faults more than how much my Daddy loves me. I could cave in with criticism. It would paralyze me. I would want to go to sleep or run away to something to make me feel no pain. Oh I would go to Jesus for comfort but I didn't know how to receive that comfort from Him or my Father. I realized I was consumed with fears. Going to God with them He began to work in my heart to give me a fearless heart. I got courage because I knew from my past God would see me through anything.
But I still felt worthless. I would hear you are not worthy but because of Jesus you are worthy. I knew what Jesus had done for me on the cross. I was full of love and gratitude for Jesus. But I wanted to know God loved me for me.
People began to pray for me. I listened to people talk and sermons about grace. Then I began to think about scriptures that said He loved me so much He sent His one and only Son. That before time He said, Jesus you see that one. I want you to go get her. I want her in our family. I want her as my child. That even if I never changed He would not love me any less. Nothing was going to separate me from His radical love for me. That He liked me. My personality. What made me me. Not only that but He was going to make me the very best me I can be. I am a sweet smelling aroma to Him. When this thing is over and I see Him face to face, I will be in full bloom. The tears streamed down my cheeks as I read how I was fearfully and wonderfully made. And how His works are wonderful. That He searches my heart and He knows me deep within who I am. And that He delights and sings over me. And that love will endure forever.