Tuesday, June 16, 2015

What if God never heals my mind?

In Every circumstance give thanks to God for this is the will of God for you who are in Christ Jesus.

Yesterday was a good day.  My mind was clear and fears did not over come me.  I was not sedated or overly medicated so I was able to be alert and sane in my thinking.  I was overcome with thanksgiving and joy.  How could my God give me such a gift?  Then I paused...I said Lord I don't want to be more thankful for a sane mind than I am for your Son.  I want to be more thankful for your gift and Jesus death and life than anything good that might happen to me.

I don't think if I had not had the struggle of mental sickness would I appreciate such a good day.  I don't take them for granted because I know how hard a day can be when you are fearful, confused with intrusive thoughts and oppressed.

This morning, I woke very early.  As I sat on my porch, sipping my coffee, the birds had begun to sing of a new day.  The light was still on the post and the sun had not found its place in the morning sun rise.  The trees seem to burst forth in the sky as a sparkler on the fourth of July.  It was me in the midst of Gods creation and I was thankful for yet another day.  I paused and said...God I cannot believe I get to be your child.  I was overcome.

It seems we are always striving for what we don't have.  We wouldn't express it but we are dissatisfied with the life God has given us.  We have our dreams and expectations and when they are met in the perfection we demand or expect we are disappointed.  We have a lack of contentment and thanksgiving.  

Just a few days I realized this discontentment in me.  What if God never heals me in this life?  I confessed this to the Lord and told the Lord that if I never had a sane mind, He was good, with me always and worthy to be praised.  I was sincere.  I let go of thinking I would ever be well again.  Gods ways are not our ways and it was just not happening.  I had tried everything to manipulate God and to take control to make my life easier and it was still a struggle.  Job said are we to only accept the good from the Lord and not adversity?  Could I give God true, heartfelt praise in my confused and troubled mind?  It did come.  There is a rest in surrender of yourself to the living God.  In presenting yourself a living sacrifice.  We think we want a good thing, and we do.  We think God must want what we want, a christian marriage, obedient children, successful life with no worries of job, in laws, health and finances.  I heard it said, people with mental illness are weak.  The truth is they are much too strong, in their own strength.  God gives us things we cannot handle so we will turn to Him and depend on Him for the things we cannot do or cannot understand.  We are finite and we cannot understand the ways and mind of God. 

We think we are to have a ministry or to do something big for God.  We want to be important or remembered.  We find our significance in what we do rather than what God has done.  I saw it was in the little things of everyday life of living to the glory of God is where we meet with Him and know Him in ways we would have never known before.  It is in our struggles even.  When we grow in knowing God more and who He really is, not who we think He is or should be, we come to know who we really are.  It is when we accept our failure that we come to experience the life in Christ that is bigger than any struggle we may have.

So, today is another day where the things of my mind is clear and I am thankful. I don't ask for God to heal my mind today.  I have ask it more than 3 times.  I give myself to Him, ask the Spirit to fill me, to take control of my mind and pray to give Him glory throughout my day, whatever it holds. He teaches me new and mysterious things everyday though, even my sick mind.  It is His surrender to the Father that is mine.  It is His grace that works it in me.  I am learning how to trust God with my fears and not let them control me more and more.  Peace did not come easy today.  Several things happened this morning that was hard and I went straight to bed.  Then the Spirit nudged me and I said I will not run to my security today but to Jesus.  It may not be easy tomorrow and I will still praise God and give thanks, Lord wiling.  But God will be glorified in me because of who He is.  I love the saying, when you cannot see His hand, trust His heart.  No matter how hard things get in this life, God is never changing.  He is always for us, even when we cannot see.  This life is but a breath, but eternity with Him is forever.

I am not trying to be some kinda hero.  I am sure I will fail.  But God has put this love in my heart and has drawn me to a life of worship.  It is where He is glorified and I am happiest.  I have so far to go in this life called faith but it is so sweet knowing Him in the process!