Even if it cost...

Today is like most days, I struggle with control, fear and wanting to hide.  This, just a short time ago, looked like going to my bed and pulling the covers over my head,  maybe sitting on my computer for hours at a time or just daze from my white cushioned chair on my screened in porch, without a thought in my head.  It was my way of controlling my life.  It was a way of escape from reality.

In those days, just doing more may have helped temporarily but something was wrong in my beliefs.  Even though I didn't understand or see it then, I didn't think God could be trusted with me, my family or my life.  I had a faith to get saved but not one to live by.  Can you think how you run from God, hide from others?  Try to control the circumstances and people in your life?  The Spirit will show you.  Ask Him and those who know you best.

If God does not control us, we are a controlling people, whether passive or aggressive.

Oh to be young again, full of life and determination and self wisdom.  I remember my self reliant days when I could conquer the world.  When I could do it all and I needed no one.  I could handle whatever life threw at me and do a pretty good job of doing it.

 Always becoming more like Jesus.  Can I really learn to love as He does?

I have heard it said, when we know the love and acceptance of God we do not want the approval of man.  I agree we do not want mans approval, but rejection and meanness toward us from others is painful.  Christ suffered for us in rejection and He felt the same pain we feel.  We can use our outward anger to try to control others or we can use the silent treatment, which is also anger, to manipulate control of others.

How others treat us does not define us or keep us from loving God.  Neither does it keep us from doing what He would have us do.  We are to stand against sin and confront it in us and others in a loving, gentle, encouraging way, if it is safe.   Our battle is not against flesh and blood but evil spirits.  How we treat each other really does matter and it can hurt.  There are many times I have had to say I was wrong, will you forgive me?

What comes out of our mouths and what we do, is in out heart.  It comes from what we are believing, trusting in.  I was trusting in myself to protect me and give me what I thought I needed.  We are to build up and encourage each other.  Life can be hard and a kind word can change everything in someones day.

I live by the renewing of my mind?

As the horrible, intrusive thoughts, uncontrollably shot through the broken walls of my mind, I prayed...  Holy Spirit would you take control of my mind, my thoughts.  Is that really what I want, I silently ask myself.   Do I really want the Spirit, to take control of my thoughts?  At first it scared me.  I decided yes, this is exactly what I want.  Let no unwholesome thought come into my mind but what is good, pure and praiseworthy.  Only what is God honoring.

A month or so later, I began my day with these prayers.

Holy Spirit would you fill me today.  I needed a daily, fresh awakening of the Spirit and its power to change me.  Would you satisfy my very soul of this craving inside my heart for more of something.  I want it to be you.

I surrender to you my day.  Bring into my life, who you will.  I do not know, how my life is suppose to look.  I ask you how to pray.  Jesus would you pray for me?   I long to follow you Jesus, where you lead me.  To go where you go, even in difficult places for me.

There were some things I had to give up.  I am still giving up. At first it was not easy.  There are still times I hold on to my way for awhile.  I want the Spirit to fill me in the recesses of my heart.  Even in the places I had let good things occupy, the most important places of me, my thoughts, my heart and my will.  I needed healing.

My life is changing...I am changing.

 "I love my life".   I am at a point now of no return.  I see with God none of it was wasted.  I wouldn't go back even if I could.   I love the people in my life, the old and the new.  I love my family and being there for them and with them.  

Some days are still really hard and I may not know why.  It just is.  I get weary and tired and want to give up, but just before I do, the Spirit reminds me of who I am to Him.  That, it really is worth the fight.  It is worth the cost.

Jesus has compassion with our weakness.

God is not just some distant, way off god, working this and working that, controlling life from afar.  He is intimate and up close.  As I pour out my heart to Him, my fears, my concerns, my worries and anxieties, my longings, He is there.  He meets me in my vulnerability and honesty, my desperation, in my struggle and my request for more of Him.  I don't always feel His presence or His grace, but He never, ever leaves me.  He brings joy, even in the struggle.  We can play hide and seek in our little games, but He will find us.  We will be found out.  He is totally committed to us and to have our whole hearts, even if it cost His life and it did.

Suicide Prevention Week and my attempt....

It was many years ago now.  I remember it like it was yesterday.  The faces, the voices.   I was sitting before a long table of people.  I was in a religious court and had been for days.  Three days I had not slept and don't think I had eaten but very little.  I was on trial and I was found guilty.  It was clear what was told to me and what I had to do.  If my family was to live, I had to give my life.  Take my life for theirs.  I got up and walked past Jesus.  From my back porch, I opened the door and walked past my sleeping husband on the sofa.  It was around 6 in the morning.  Still dark.  It must have been around this time of year.  It was not cold nor hot.  The leaves were still green and the sun had not come up.

This was all an illusion.  A delusion.  The people in this court of law were not real.  It was not really Jesus. Not that He wasn't there for me but not in my illusions.  I was really sick.  I was psychotic.  I was skitzo-effective they said.  I had a brain disorder.  No one knew just how bad.  The least of all me.  You could not have convinced me I guess, that what I thought just happened, was not real.

I went out our back door and into the garage.  Getting into my car and not looking back, I put on my seat belt.  Out of habit or out of the grace of God.  I backed the car out of the garage and left my home.  As I glanced to my right Jesus was there.  I was going fairly slow and then as I took the curve, a voice came...NOW!  I felt someone put their foot on mine and floor board the gas peddle.  I swerved and I ran straight into the woods, on the right side of the road.  All of a sudden was stopped, even though going at a fast speed.  I ran into several trees.  A house sat only yards before me.  It never occurred to me I could have killed someone that day until later as I view the demolished car.  There were no skid marks.  Only a narrow path, through the wooded area, made by me.

Oh no!  I sat stunned.  What was I going to do now?  I did not die.  What would happen to my family now?   I could not open my door as the car was crushed around me.  I unfastened my seat belt.  Do people who want to kill themselves put on a seat belt?  I saw God that day in so many ways.  I rolled down my window and crawled out and walked slowly into the middle of the road.  I stood in the center of the left lane.  The center of the on coming traffic is where I stood.  Traffic was picking up by now and the cars began to swerve around me, men cursing me in their anger and frustration and fear,  that someone would do such a thing as I was doing.  What if one of them actually hit me.  I can understand their anger.  How could I be sane seemed to never occur to them.

I felt a hand on my right shoulder.  I turned my head around to see a black man.  He said, it is ok.  Come with me.  I walked off the road and on to the side, onto the grass and saw the ambulance beside me.  The doors opened and I knew they were for me.  As I got in and looked out the rear of the truck, I saw my husbands sad and pain stricken face.  I saw the police.  I looked for the man that had just saved my life and he was not to be found.  He was no where in sight.

Could it be Jesus really was going with me and protecting me.  That this man was an angel sent by God to rescue me.  I did not argue with him or put up a fight.  Just the tenderness and care in his voice and face let me know everything was going to be all right.  I followed him.

This is Suicide Prevention Week.  I tell you my story in hopes one life might be saved.

It is still painful to tell this story.  My eyes well up with tears as I write.  The pain I caused my family and myself in those years of not understanding my illness and not knowing how to get help is still there.  My husband still wakes in fear when he can't find me during the night. He worries when he doesn't know where I am in the day.  I try to reassure my families fears.  It has taken hard work on all our parts for them to be able to trust me and for me to take control of my illness and it not to control me and all of us.

Many take their lives for different reasons than my attempt.  They feel worthless, lonely, unloved.  The pain of this life, the guilt and shame, they think will be solved by taking their life.  Young teenagers think they are invincible now.  Suicide is not the answer.  Taking your life is not the answer.  We were not meant to be strong and independent of each other and of God.  We need each other and a trust in God who loves us and died that we might have life.

You are created in the image of God.  You are His most valuable creation.  You have a purpose and He has a plan for your life.  It is to glorify Him and to enjoy Him.

If either one of these examples you can relate to, ask for help.  Go to your  church if you have one or find one if you don't.  Tell a friend.  These voices and thoughts can be deadly and life is so precious.  It is a gift from God and He wants you to live it to the fullest and you can.  There is help.  Get educated, get a counselor.  Seek the support of family and friends.  Do not isolate.  Find support.  You are so worth it.  There is help.  There is a way out of this hell you live in and think there is no way out.  Pain shared brings comfort.  Others have wisdom and can care.  Go to the National Alliance of the Mentally Ill or a suicide hot line.  Call 911.  Don't sit in your tortured thoughts and pain alone.

Ask for Help!

Brain disorders or some refer to as mental illness is no respecter of persons.

My plea is to get educated.  Reach out to the hurting.  Learn to bring the gospel into your struggles of everyday life.

Sickness of the brain and depression is running ramped.  People are being killed and people are killing themselves.  Don't shut the door to this epidemic of humanity.  I beg you churches get educated.  Form support groups and a counseling ministry at your church to save lives and impact how people live.  Help them.

I am blessed in so many ways.

I am blessed in so many ways.  I have a loving supportive group of friends and a family who loves me.  They have worked so hard and been there when many would have given up.  They have given me all that they have to keep me well and take care of me many times.  I am so thankful for them.  But I had to let them in.  I had to learn to be open and honest and vulnerable about what was going on with me or they could not help me.  They are very proactive and knowledgable and just don't give up.  They are the most loyal bunch you ever want to meet.  They pray for me and do what it takes to keep me well from watching me day and night to making office visits with me and talking to me over and over again, encouraging me and giving me advice and support.  There is hope for you even if you don't have this but don't shut your family out.  Give them a chance to love and be there for you.

Seek community

Rick Thomas has a forum if you don't have the support of a local church and even for those who do.  These last few years the counsel of Gods word, the articles Rick writes weekly and his resources and the friends I have made there, have made a huge difference in the quality of my life.  There is a forum where people support and learn how to help each other.  He gives conferences and webinars where you can be trained to help the hurting. Where you can learn to counsel yourself with the support of others.   It is a resource for both the hurting and the care givers of them. Rick Thomas at RickThomas.net is a wonderful educating resource for your church and you to learn to disciple others.

NAMI has support groups and educational groups on mental health.  I have led support groups there for years.  Understanding mental illness is imperative.  They also have a website.  Don't be afraid of the hurting because you don't know what to say or do.  All you have to do is to care.  To care enough to enter into someones pain and give them hope.  Care enough to do something.  Tell them you love them and they are valuable.  Give them resources and get yourselves educated.  We have a responsibility to each other.  Please don't ignore the call of this week of National Prevention of Suicide Week.  Take action.  Call your congressman.  Our country has shut the door to help for the mentally ill and sent them and the addict to prison and to the streets.  They are overflowing.  There is no help there.

People need people not fixing them or giving them pat answers but walking and limping along side them with truth and compassion and a love for them and God that overcomes all the struggles that keeps one from living effective lives.  We need relationship and intimacy with each other and with God.  We need His Spirit, Jesus and the Father in our everyday lives.  We need to take the truth from the bible and make it work not just sit there.  We need the faith to believe and to give us hope in a hopeless world.  We need to face reality and do it with a humble confidence and faith of a child.

The place for help for the hurting is in our hearts.

Please pray about what you can do and to whom you can reach out to this week.

I pray we do not continue to turn a deaf ear to a dying world but become active in the lives of those around us.  Help the hurting.  Make a difference.  We need change and it begins with you!  It begins with me.  We sit in the comfort of our homes and read on the internet and news and sit idly by as people waste away in their pain and suffering.  There is hope and there is life beyond mental illness, beyond addiction.  I still have hard days but I love life and the people it in.  My dysfunction has turned to healthy, loving relationships.  I know how to detect early on signs of not being healthy.  I call my doctors for mental and physical health, talk to my counselor, talk to friends, talk to my family, talk to God and seek His word and Spirit for counsel, take my medications, eat right, push myself to exercise, take supplements, fight my fears with faith, attend small groups and support groups, serve others who struggle, get good sleep.  I feed my mind with good things.  I think on encouraging things and share with others when I don't.  I can't afford not to.  It is worth the fight.  It is worth the struggle for good health mental and physical.  Life is worth it.  People are worth it.  You are worth it.  God's glory is worth it all.  This is why I share.

Do something today, please...Together we can make a difference.

Suicide Hotline...1-800-273-8255

God had an even better idea

One thing I have notice the mentally ill, have in common, is a low view of God and a low view of themselves.  I don't think they are unlike any other person but it is more evident in them because the things in the mentally ill are so magnified.  The worlds way is to give man a higher self esteem.  Gods way is to let man know who He is in Christ.  We are fallen and depraved and therefore come into this world lacking, broken, shameful and full of guilt.  God's answer is not to bring man back to the garden but to bring Him in Christ to Himself.

We think of the garden, before Adam and Eve sinned, as the perfect place and it was.  But only God can improve on perfection.  He saw something better than man walking with God and that was God indwelling man through the Spirit.  God saw more glory for Himself through the cross of Christ and man giving Him glory through a life of faith and trust and dependence on Him than man simply not sinning.  God uses sin, sinlessly.

God is not restoring man He is redeeming Him.  We are not moving backward to Eden but forward toward Heaven.

We are, the child of God, a new creation in Christ.  The old has died and the new has come.

The answer to our fallenness and sin and shame is the cross.  It is to be forgiven.  It is to be made new in Christ.  From our fallen nature we are self absorbed and everything in us, our motives, actions, thoughts and hearts have to be made in Gods likeness.  God came to serve and to be served.  We are to consider others more valuable than ourselves.  Our motives change and our actions change to glorify God and not to bring glory to ourselves.  This is a result of us being made in Christ and Christ living His life through us.

We die daily to our old nature and surrender to Gods will not our own.

Jesus tells us we are to follow Him.  This is the crucified life.  This is where new life is found.  A life of living for Gods glory.  Living to love Him and others more than ourselves.  This is when He is most glorified as this change of being like Him is displayed in us.  This is when we are most happy and content.  We find that the happy life is not in getting what we think we need and want but looking to our Father to meet our deepest need and longing.

Satan deceived Adam and Eve in using a good thing for evil.

It was not bad that Adam and Eve wanted to be like God.  To know the difference in good and evil.  But it was a bad thing to disobey God to get it.  To think this would make them happy.  They did not trust God and His good gifts for them.  How many times does satan do the same thing in our lives.  He uses our marriages, our children, our ministry for us to love them more than God?  We take things in our own hands and try to make a good thing happen rather than give our families and lives to God.  We think we know what is best and we set out to make that happen.  It is not that what we want is bad but that we try to make it happen apart from God.

We are independent creations and God wants us dependent in every way, on Him.

Many times our lives have to fall apart to look to God, instead of ourselves.  This is painful for us because we are being stripped of control and pride in trying to find life apart from God even in good things.  When we have despaired of ourselves and life and become weak and rely on Him is when we find true life and strength and power we have never known before.

Strength does not come through taking control and being strong but through being weak and through surrender.

We have to see our utter unreliability to make our life work.  Our self confidence is broken and our fears are realized.  We come out of hiding and covering ourselves into true fellowship with God. We become open and honest and real.  We see life is not the life what we tried to find in this world and even in good things.  He has achieved what we could not.  He is life.

We are all insecure, not only the shy but the over achiever.

Once we see we cannot earn Gods approval and love we stop trying to earn mans approval through fear of rejection and being a workaholic.  We stop looking to ourselves as our own savior and know we need Jesus.

Seeing Jesus was enough is when we began to long for more.  It is in the shadow of being complete and healing that ours hearts yearn.

Once we begin to see Jesus is where our deepest needs and longing are fulfilled is when we quit looking to this world to fulfill us and we long for more of His Spirit to fill us.  Our taste for anything but Him to bring life, peace, satisfaction and joy is when we began to find it in Him.  We grow in our understanding of just how big He really is and that He cares for the smallest details of our lives.  That He is for us and working it all for us.  In being satisfied in Him is when He gives us more and more of the Spirit.  He changes our hearts and our focus and our reason for living.  It is not more for us to be great but for His greatness.  He knows this is where we are most happy and most satisfied...We find Him as our purpose in life and are at rest.  The Father needed man to display His love to His creation.   So He decided to made Himself man and displayed Himself through other men.  Not out of a lack but out of an overflow.  He is fully satisfied in Himself and used Himself and man to do it.  Jesus did it for joy of pleasing the Father.  We are the Fathers gift to the Son.  We please Him by trusting Him and in Jesus only.

The Rich Young Ruler and Grace

For sometime now, I can't get the true story, of the Rich Young Ruler off my mind.  I have read sermons and talked to friends.  I took from different parts of scripture and their meanings to try to find meaning to this one.

At first glance at this story, where the young man ask Jesus what must he do to inherit heaven, it appears Jesus is telling him he must do more.  He must earn heaven.  The young man says he kept all the laws... but he knew there was a void in his life, or he would not have been asking.  He knew there was more to it than keeping the laws and he knew Jesus could help him.

The story says that Jesus loved him.  He told the young man to sell all he had and give it to the poor.  Jesus was showing the young ruler how short he came to the perfection the law demands.  That the only one who gave it all, died on a tree and that was Jesus.  Jesus was pointing the young ruler to Himself in many ways.  He was the perfect life the young man could not keep that he needed to go to heaven and he could not and had not attained it.  Jesus knew what he had done was good in keeping the laws of God but his heart was far from Him. Jesus knew His treasure was not in Jesus but in His riches. That he did not love Jesus nor people.   Jesus told the disciples how utterly impossible it was for a rich man to enter heaven.  This is because the religious thought if you were rich it was because you deserved it and meant you were blessed by God.  The young man was faced with both..he didn't deserve it and him keeping the law would not send him to heaven.  Jesus then said with God all things are possible.

He knew Gods judgement but He didn't know His grace.  He lived by religion not faith.

His treasure was what he found comfort, his identity and security in. Maybe even pleasure and joy.  It was not in selling all he had and giving to the poor that was going to save him.  It was in loving and trusting that Jesus paid for His sin.  When he saw this love that God had for him in sending His Son maybe he would indeed love Jesus and want to serve others more than himself.  Maybe he wouldn't leave Jesus and others in sadness.  Maybe he wouldn't walk away.  Maybe he would accept the forgiveness of Jesus and the life He had given Him and he would be changed.  I think the young ruler felt rejected rather than loved by Jesus because he did not know him.   He was looking to measure up and he knew he didn't.


When we are His, we have a life of surrender over and over to Him, the things we go to find life instead of Him.

I wondered why this story kept coming to my mind.  I saw today from many of my friends that grace is real.  That we do not deserve this gift of salvation of grace.  I have known this for the last twenty years and to read scripture or to live contrary to this grace by faith is for my heart to be far away from God.  Today I saw I am the Rich Young Ruler.  I have not wanted to let go of the good things in my life in order to follow Jesus.  My heart has not fully been His as I cling to my comfort and security of what seems familiar and secure.  I think I have been right and that I deserve a better life than what God has given me.  That I do not deserve to suffer.  I have not lived in the forgiveness of Jesus but when confronted with my sin from God and others I run away.  I focused on  myself more than what I can do for others. I did not want to risk being hurt and in a situation that I could not control.   I was consumed with fear of rejection, guilt and shame seeking life in many things, good things, other than in Jesus.

I have been fearful of change and to change.  

When you understand the gospel your heart is secure in Jesus.  I worshiped Him, went to church, studied His word, even experienced the presence of God by His Spirit but my heart was far away.  To live in such fear is not admitting that Jesus can be trusted with you, your life and others.  In mental illness these fears are so magnified that you cannot ignore them.  I believe this is the only way I could see my lack of love for God and others because I can be such a good girl.  Even my mental health has not humbled me but good friends, good teaching and the Spirit of God.

Is grace really real and is Jesus enough?

 I praise Him that He has not left me alone.  That my friends have not left me alone, even though I walked away sad and alone.  To be honest I have not worked through all these truths.  I know them in my head but my heart has not experience it, so would you pray for me?  I am still looking at me to fulfill the law of God.  I don't think Jesus left the Young Ruler alone either.

I see it now.  Just that quick.  I see Him

My mom was Jesus to me.

Something my daughter said to me this morning, made these thoughts run through my heart and mind about my own mom.  My mom won't hear these thoughts, I am having about her now, because she has gone home, really home, to be with Jesus.  Maybe one day I will tell her, or maybe she just already knows.

I remember as a child, being so angry with her, I sat on our back porch steps blessing her out.  I found out years later, in confessing this to her that she was watching me from a nearby window.

I remember the day my dad had to shoot my dog.  I rode off from the house crying my heart out only to return to my mom and hearing her say...it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.

I remember a man being at our house.  My mom thought he was going to hurt me in some way.  She took a shot gun and ran him off.

I remember her telling me she wanted to be my friend like my girlfriends mom.  I said I need you to be my mom.

I remember not going home, like I should and her standing at the doorway waving goodbye with tears in her eyes, never demanding anything of me.

I remember taking money from her once and telling her years later, only to hear she knew it.

I remember writing her letters and leaving them under my bed.  She never mentioned them to me but they were always gone when I would return.

I remember how she always knew what was going on inside me even when I didn't share.

I remember when she was sick and I stayed with her for nights and days until I was exhausted.  I left my mom and her response still is with me.  They would not take her off life support but my sister says that is when my mom died inside.  My counselors said I kept her hanging on and it was a good thing I left her for her.

There have been years I have grieved and regretted so much with my mom and how I loved her.  But one thing I know, even though imperfect she did know I loved her.

I remember the chocolate cakes and pies she would have when I returned home from school.  How we watched soap operas and how I would warm my feet in the mornings for school over the floor furnace as she made breakfast.

I remember her trying to curl my hair with bobby pins and the hats and gloves I would wear.  Then years later when I was the one who did her hair.

I remember her becoming my best friend.  She found such pleasure in my success and pain in my defeats, although I really don't think she ever saw them.  I was always a success to her.

She was so beautiful to me.  I remember how she always looked her best.  Hand bags and purses to match.

I remember tasting the wines at the local grocery store and going home and cooking steaks with dad, laughing all the way.

I remember praying and reading scripture with her and talking about Jesus love for her.

I remember as she would play games with the kids and loved them being home and how they would laugh together.

I remember the holidays and the bowl games that we all shared.

I remember the talks we would have about her childhood and eating biscuits and syrup because their were nothing else.  How the state tried to take my grandmothers children from her because she had no money.

I remember my moms strength but her humility and her weakness.

I remember her funeral, when there were many stories about what my mom had done for others and no one ever knew.

My mom was Jesus to me.  She was the first taste I had at unconditional love.  She didn't teach me much about the bible she lived it.  She raised me to be in church, to love God and love others.  She was the most sacrificial person I have ever known.  I hated it when she suffered and loved it when she would laugh.  She was the most influential person in my life in giving me a love for Jesus that keeps me pressing on and sharing His love for me.  I know Him because I knew her.  I know His forgiveness because she thought there was nothing to forgive.  She just loved me.

So as the tears flow and stream down my cheeks, I don't even really know why I wrote this but for you and for me and for my own children.   For the love of my mom to keep making a difference in friends and parents lives.  Our children are who we live in front of them.  My mom did not know theology but she knew Jesus.  She knew love and she knew me and loved me at my worse.  So men, hang on to your wife,  Moms hang on to your kids, Friends hang on to each other, God is not done.  Keep hope and love and charity alive in your lives.  There will come a day when we will all share and rejoice over each other and Gods love for us.  All suffering and pain and tears will be gone.  But until that day, may we be Jesus to those we love and in our everydays...Thank you for giving me my mom Lord, to love me and give me somethings that nothing can take away.  The love of a mother.

Tell me Jesus, your grace is enough

2 Cor. 12:8-9
 8Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it away from me. 
9But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.I have a very analytical mind.  Yet to be analytical, I did not understand what this meant, but I felt in my heart it was wrong.  I just did not know why...

My emotions were caring me away.  I was over analyzing.  The meds had been cut back because I was doing so well.  I was careless with my supplements missing some and running out of others.  The depression grew as weeks had gone by.  I would not up my meds but would handle this.  The messages that hovered over my conscience from the world and even the uneducated church, pressed in the feelings of guilt and condemnation.  

Without me even realizing these beliefs were dictating my world and my mind.If I just understood my sin more.  If my circumstances got better, then I would not struggle but they are great and I do and I am struggling, bad.  I fall into self pity.  I am self absorbed.  My fears run wild. If only my mind were more fixed on Jesus and others, things would be ok. If I were closer and trusted Him more,  I would be healed.  If I got out daily, made myself walk, eat right, stayed in touch with friends and talked to family, made myself go to church that I love, then...I knew all the answers.  

I cried out to God for a rescue and he did over and over, but for me only to plumb again and again.  I made myself do what I could not do, depending on the power of Christ in the Spirit.  I was vulnerable to the wise and disciplined my mind and even encouraged others.  I would sense a little relief for awhile but nothing lasting.I didn't want to dump on my friends.  They had their own struggles.  No one wants to hear from a sad person when they themselves are sad.  So I bottled it up and put a lid on it to only explode in due time.  I wanted to shout, how are you?  Fine?  Great.  I am not fine.. but I knew there was nothing this would solved. I wondered, do people even know how to handle me?   I knew there were those who really suffered and had a great attitude, what was wrong with me?  Why can't I.  I would beat myself up and spiral again, of course.  

Comparing to feel better about yourself is never a good idea.  You will always come up short.I began to be grateful for the breath from my lungs, the sense of smell from my nose, the taste of my mouth, and ears that hear.  For the trees and the clouds that gathered above their heads.  I broke and called my doc.  I upped my meds.  I ordered my supplements and I prayed.  There was the pull to self medicate with a glass of wine but that would only make me fall deeper into this pit, I already could not crawl out.So I can't analyze, fix or cure my way out of this.  I may struggle with depression my whole like.  

But is God good?  Yes!  I may suffer from rejection and acceptance and fear of man but can I trust Jesus is enough.  Yes.  That even in my mess, He loves me and covers me.  Can He be sufficient for me even in my brokenness?  Can His grace be all I need or want?  Tell me Jesus, show me how.I ask myself what is God doing?  He is teaching to deal with rejection and that His acceptance is all I need.  To please Him is my hearts desire. I do please Him by trusting in Jesus.  I do please Him, being in Christ.  He is teaching me not to harden my heart or run from pain but let Him comfort me.  He is teaching me to not let my emotions drive my actions or my faith.  That He commands emotions that are good and a blessing to be, to be joyful and grateful and have hope. I am to let my emotions drive me to Him. To drink in the goodness of Him and His Word.   My circumstances good or bad do not control my peace and joy but my relationship in trusting Him does.  That I may have depression the rest of my life but He is with me through and in it all.  I am learning to embrace my weakness and fully receive this life God has for me to know and depend on Him.

I was able to tell my doctor that I was doing really well, when he called.  I explained Jesus and the means of Grace that He had given me. My peace flowed from within like a river.  I have had a good teacher and friends and family who love and care for me.  God really is our Rescuer and Redeemer.  We really do have all we need for life and godliness.  His grace truly is enough.

I just wantta be me!

Eric Liddell: I believe God made me for a purpose, but he also made me fast. And when I run I feel His pleasure.

The Sovereign LORD has given me a well-instructed tongue, to know the word that sustains the weary. He wakens me morning by morning, wakens my ear to listen like one being instructed.



I just wantta be me, how about you?  Are you confused, floundering, feel as you are wasting your time or too busy to breathe, much less be used by God?

Who are you?  Do you know who you really are?  Do you like yourself?  Do you know God likes you too?

Grab a cup of coffee.  Pretend you are at the farm, Ford Farms, on my porch with me.  Sit back and lets talk.  Lets talk about you and God and who you want to be.


Not too long ago a friend, her name is Julie,  told me, in the most kindest of words, I am not happy with who I am.  I have been thinking a lot about this statement, she made to me.  At first I put myself down...I am not lovable.  Poor me, no body is there for me.  No one loves me.  Look what a mess I am.  The whispers of my seared consciousness poured through my mind.  They say the most beautiful of women, when they look in the mirror, she sees flaws.  I spiraled and felt angry at others and felt sorry for myself.  My self righteousness in pity grew.  This was not of God, but from the enemy.  Satan was trying to strip me of my faith.  Of believing God has been faithful to me and that He is good and loving.  That He is for me and on my side.  That He is always at work in me, making me more like His Son, Jesus.  That people have been there for me in more ways than I can count.  I am dearly and unconditionally loved by more people than I can count.  They encourage me and pray for me and have been a better friend than I will ever be.

Tim Keller said something like this...humility is not thinking less of yourself but thinking of yourself less.  I was consumed with self.  But God did an amazing thing and I want to tell you about it.

In grade school, I always wanted to be the most liked and maybe I was, by the titles I held.  Someone on fb said recently, we can't all be the queen but you can sit on the curb and wave as I pass by.  I have always wanted to be queen.  I have wanted to lead a huge ministry and speak to hundreds, ok thousands of women, in a football stadium. I wanted to write books and sign autographs at a Christian book store and speak in churches.  I had convinced myself that this was for Gods glory,  but it was not.  I can see this now.  I loved the stage and wanted to be the center of it.  Very humbling for the Spirit to show me such things this morning as I sit in the quiet with Him.  My friends voted me as their queen, but the most fun thing they did for me was vote me for cheerleader.  I love to cheer people on.  That is who I am.

Over the years, I have done many of these things, I wanted to do.  I was not happy in these things. I did it to be loved and accepted by others.  It is not my gift.  I am an encourager and for the first time in my life, I am comfortable with the gifts the Lord has given me.  I have a place and a purpose in the kingdom and it is tailored for me and the building up of His body.  I am not a leader and I am not a follower of man.  I am an encourager of him.  I see the uniqueness and beauty of this gift, as are all of Gods gifts.  I cannot handle the limelight or the spotlight.  I am too proud of a person.  Those who are first shall be last and those who are last shall be first.  I don't think I am either.  I just want to be with Him.  I have had a life to make me dependent and not self reliant and this is where I want to be.  God knows this about me.  He has given me this desire and he is pleased in it for me and His glory.  He likes me and you, "alot."

You are unique and special.  You are created in the image of God.  You are His most prized of all the creation.  You are created to reflect His glory and be in His likeness.  ONE DAY YOU WILL BE ON DISPLAY FOR ALL OF HEAVEN TO SEE, JUST HOW HE HAS LOVED YOU AND HOW GREAT AND CREATIVE HE IS.  You have purpose and He has a plan.  Are you all in?


So the first time in my life, I have seen my whole life, as God getting me into a position of serving and usefulness in the kingdom.  I am comfortable with who I am and I am enjoying living that out.  It is my special place.  I encourage leaders, men and their wives,  those with brain disorders,  to the lady at walmart that has worked all night.  The mom who has struggled to have strength and mind to go on.  The husband, who is beaten down by this world.  I am an encourager.  God has taken me out of the prison of what I thought was my comfort and security into a place that I am secure in Him and comfortable in risk taking, I could jump for joy.  I just want to giggle.

So, I want to encourage you.  You have a special gift.  It is who you are created to be.  God has been preparing you for the good works he prepared before time, now lets walk in them. Talk to a friend.  Pray about it.   Find out what your gifting is.  I am so happy to be here.  I see the weakness in people and this is where I seek to build them up in the faith.  I see their strengths and help them see them too.  I know who they are in Christ and try to assist God in moving them to a place of freedom.  My heart seeks out the lowly and the depressed and those who just can't go on, to those who just need an encouraging word.

We all are meant to be an encourager.  I am not alone in this. Encouragement is God breathed.  It is the very breath of God to another.   Encouragement changes people, not people evaluation and critique.  It can be, that one of the hardest places to encourage, is in our own homes and family.  We  give the same encouragement we see we are given by Jesus.  We are not to motivate by fear or guilt but by encouragement.  Seek to encourage those in your life today, wherever you are or whomever you come in contact with.  You can learn and grow in becoming an encourager.  It comes easier for some than for others.  I began, out of a lack rather than a fullness.  I needed encouragement, so I encouraged.  Now I am doing it out of my fullness, out of my giftedness, out of grace.  I have learned much from my friend Brenda.  She gives little, special gifts and notes especially with others in mind.  I love doing this.  She always encourages me.

So my word to you today, Gods word I believe is... learn to love who you are.  Not your flaws, but see how God has used your weakness to gift you.  Serve Him and others with the joy within your soul, that tickles you pink.  Jesus came to serve, not to be served.  It will be one of the most fun times of your life.  You will join hands with Jesus and the Spirit in serving and loving others.  In helping them be the most they can be.  In helping them find out who they really are, redeemed. I am not saying we don't want to continually change but we are finding our deepest longings in Gods world. We don't earn Gods love by working for Him but He gives us work to do because He loves us.  This is where we are happiest, in enjoying Him and giving Him all the credit due Him.  We are in the brilliance of Christ.  His glow shines through us, His glory.  It is in the fullness of Him that we are most joyful and most letting Him live through us.  It may not be a life you chose, but it is a life better than that.  Much better.  I have been at the very top, as a wife of the nations most success coach, at one time,  to the bottom, behind locked doors of a mental hospital.  Neither was who I am designed to be. It is not my identity.  It was just part of my journey, to become who I am, a christian, a wife, a mother, a friend and an encourager.  I am my parents daughter.  I am a child of the King, sent out to encourage the world.  Now,  I just wanta be me.  Christ came to give us life and life abundant.  What motivates, encourages and sustains me is Gods love for me, shown in Jesus.