Not just survive but thrive

“Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are TRUE, whatsoever things are HONEST, whatsoever things are JUST, whatsoever things are PURE, whatsoever things are LOVELY, whatsoever things are of GOOD REPORT, if there be any VIRTUE, and if there be any PRAISE, think on these things.”

Deborah Ford

When I was a young teenager I dove into the bottom of a shallow contained lake.  The impact was tremendous.  Years later, around the time  I began to struggle mentally, I realized I had a hole in my eardrum.  A tumor had formed inside the hole and formed a parasite.  I had several surgeries.  The risk was great that I might be paralyzed on my left side of my face.  But yet grace was with me. 

One of my most favorite people is Joni Ereckson.  I recently listened again to her story.  She also dove into a pool head first,  but yet she was paralyzed.  God is using her accident to bless thousands all over the world.  I was struck when I heard she had  anger toward God and despair.  Sometimes we see the victory in people and forget the journey. 

God saw fit for me to not be paralyzed but still used me in a different way.  Dannys job was my platform.  I am thankful for that.

What hit me reading her story was how alike our stories were but yet one was paralyzed and one was not.  But God used us both.  Just like you.

As I read  her story again yesterday it was a gift to me to see Gods sovereignty in such a personal way for me.

Joni quotes, God allows what He hates to bring about what He loves.  I also believe God prevents, to bring about what He loves.  God blesses me no matter what my thoughts are.  Things have been so difficult I wished I could take my mind out of my head to relieve the pressure and the constant thoughts.   Like  Joni I repeated I cannot do this with out you Jesus.  She spoke it out of faith...mine was more our of desperation...

My mind has gone almost nonstop for a couple of years now.  Sometimes I try to distract myself in various ways.  My strength was only by prayer of the Saints. I felt I had failed God and  my family.  It drained me and so did the meds.   I have handled this in the poorest of ways and the best but God has never let me go.  My feelings have been unbearable.   God gave me ways to cope. Like patting my leg. Telling my body I am safe.   God sees me through the filter of His righteousness.  So what do I fear?  I just do.  I wonder if Jesus did?  Christ is my brave.  I know the truth but could not get my body to respond as if I knew.  God says fear not for I am with you.  Knowing in my head has not been enough.

My heart is to sing of the Christmas joy.  I AM SAVED.  I doubted even that but so did many others who are much greater than me.

 Tomorrow may bring new struggles but all I can do is live in today.  One step of faith at a time.  "Jesus I am stepping out in faith even though I don't feel like I have the strength."  Will you meet me there?

When we hear the lies God cannot change me, we need to remember God was determine to have a family.  So much so that He sent His own Son to come and rescue us from this broken fallen world.  By Adam we are sinful but by Christ we are righteous.  He will never turn His back on us but is relentlessly drawing us back to Himself over and over again.  HE WILL NOT GIVE UP SO neither will we.  We are His creation whom He loves because it is of Him.  We are special, unique.   There is a precious heart inside us waiting to be found.  A heart of flesh.  A Gem.

No matter what situation we find ourselves in or how we have failed we have purpose. We are forgiven.  We may not can do anything great for God but we can do small things with great heart.  We have to encourage each other to keep pressing on.  That is why we have gifts.  To serve each other.  To use them for the body to keep on doing good, loving others, not give up and keep hope alive.  Jesus is our Hope!.

There is an enemy and he is wicked, he is a liar.  He will do all he can to keep us from God and think we are ineffective for the kingdom.  He will bring up your failures and fears and past over and over if you allow it.  He is defeated. He will take a little bit of truth and magnify it to a lie.  Fight with confidence, fight with weakness but fight, even if you fail evil will not win. The counsel of the body of Christ is one of the greatest gifts we have for each other....these are some things I learned along the hard beaten path, we have ways to fight the enemy,  Speak aloud Gods word.  We have an armor, worship, truth of who we are, draw near to God and resist evil and he will flea from you, stand still and ask Jesus to fight, reading Gods word, bring lies to the light, share with friends and ask for prayer, God wants to know when we need Him and this is how we can, plead with God to keep evil away, He wants to know our heart.  We have the power to break strongholds. He provides all we need for righteousness, ask Him for everything you need.  I  live by Gods promises daily.  Asking the Spirit to speak to me through them.  Praying the 23 Psalm and the Lords prayer was how I began my days over and over.  Being thankful even when I wasn't.  God had to fight me to bless me I was so down on myself and fearful.  He is the meaning of  humility, kind, patient, strong, loving Heavenly Father.  The Prodigal Father.  He has an ocean of grace for you.  We don't begin to touch on His ways.  They are not ours but they can be.

I learned to give my anxious thoughts and situations to Jesus and there is power in that.  He takes them.  I pleaded for peace to guard my heart and my mind and it did.  Peace is one of the most wonderful things Jesus gives us.  I cried out in desperation so many times..  He was there.  I don't just want to survive anymore but to thrive.  I am not better or worse because of my suffering but different.  

 I see Jesus love in me loving others.  Its nothing like the love we have it is a glorious selfless love that overflows from Christ in us to others. It is beautiful and powerful;.

God is for us!  May the hope of the newborn child bring you great joy, peace and hope this wonderful holiday season!  May this be the Merriest of Christmas ever for us all.

To those who are in knee deep pain and suffering please let this encourage you.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.  Remember we will receive a crown and lay it at the very feet of Jesus.  We are a royal priesthood.  A beautiful creation that was born out of the very heart of God.

God loves you so very very much...

Broken is Beautiful

Broken is Beautiful

Who I am is who I believe I am to be

     Almost two years ago I wrote I was packing my bags and

 finding out who I really am. 

Spiritually speaking.

     These last two years have been the most difficult  I have ever experienced in my life.  I have had suffering in my life as have all people my age.  But these were consistently the worse I have ever known.

     Someone who has been a christian as long as me know all the right things to do and say, in any situation.  I did those things...I also did the things that I knew were wrong, so to speak...Like I almost gave up hope at times, my faith was more on feelings and emotions than on assurance. They were not reliable.  God gave me the assurance I needed during this time.  I could hardly read my bible.  My faith seem to be next to nothing.

     Responding to life the right way is a good thing, but it can also be more difficult to know your true heart if you are just trying to do the right thing. 

     Twenty four years ago my life seemed to have the perfect storm.  I could not respond how my faith told me that I should so I withdrew in fear and doubt.  This was not the woman I was before this time and it is not the woman I am today.  I have tread water and I have sunk and swam.  The waves have over come me and I have ridden them.  It was a cycle of doing well and pushing forward in trying to find sense of my struggles and the life God had given me not wanting to waste a day.

     More times than not I knew how very blessed I am.  It just did not seem enough or to matter.  As in anyones life I had seasons of being fruitful and seasons of weeping with no tears.

     I was blind to the lies we can believe about our worth and how fear can creep in.  The Lords prayer I repeated as I fell asleep.  Knowing it is Gods Kingdom and His will is our prayer.

     The Twenty Third psalm was my go to... As my Shepherd fought every guilt and fear and sent an army after me...my family and friends.  I learned to pray on my knees even though short not any less sincere.

      Prayers of others seemed to carry me with the strength I needed to sustain and carry me as I maintained my home and tried to sort it all out.  It was a humbling time to see how dependent I was.  At the same time to see the beauty of Gods people felt honored to pray and serve me.  To try to explain my racing mind for two years is not easy.  I experienced depression I never had before. 

      I could see how God was not limited by my feelings that were not reliable.  He was building an assurance in me that I knew had to be.  A woman different that I was.  

      I worried about life that may have been stolen from me so I tried that much harder to value time and make it count.  I can breathe now.  I can love people without fear or guilt and shame that I didn't realize I had.  With a love so different that I cannot even explain.  It is not that I didn't love people before but this is one with seasoned years of failures and successes, with brokenness, with faith tested and a battle that was fought for me.  

     If you ask me I would say that is one of the main reasons Jesus came to die for us.  Our Father wanted a family.  He uses us and the Spirit to bring us together in a love that is not by trying harder but caring more for others than ourselves.  We are an overflow of the Fathers love for His family

through Jesus. 

     Who I am as a child of God is always my identity whether I am struggling as I have been off and on during these last twenty something years.  I am not running in fear anymore. Not that I don't fear but hopefully it does not control me.  There were times I would hide in the clef of the rock, under the wings of God, by still waters. 

     We all have gifts to serve and encourage others.  I have strength I didn't know I had in my weakness.  I am here today because of Jesus not my faithfulness.  Sometimes it is hard for me to even wonder why me Lord.   We all have a purpose.  I have a hope.  I have been broken more times than I ever thought would happen.   I have to believe...

 Broken is Beautiful...